Ansel Whitaker was sitting in his apartment, pouring himself some more iced tea, when the phone rang. He groaned, set the bottle down and picked up the phone, lifting the receiver to his head. He took a long sip of his drink, cleared his throat and spoke.
"Hello, this is Ansel Whitaker," he said, before grinning, "Reggie? How are you...whoa, hey, calm...holy god, okay, yeah I'll...I'll be...are you sure you want to do this? Okay, I'll be right there. Goodbye." Ansel stood up, grabbed his coat off the rack near the wall, shoved his keys in his pocket and opened the front door, only to have his wife, Morgan, enter from the kitchen, wiping her hands on a small towel, her brow furrowed in confusion. "Where are you going, I thought we had plans," she said. "I have an emergency, I have to go to the hospital," Ansel said. "What? Are you okay?" "I'm fine," Ansel said, nodding, "...it's my daughter." *** "You have to be fucking kidding me," Emily said, sitting with Regina in the hallway, her mouth agape. "I assure you I am not fucking kidding you," Regina said, sniffling, pushing some of her shortish hair back behind her ear, "it...it was not something I meant to happen, and-" "Not something you meant to happen? An affair doesn't just happen? Car accidents happen. An affair you have to put effort into," Emily said, both half chuckling due to nerves as she continued, "not that I'm gonna shame you for it, lord knows my brother was awful, but...how...how did this happen and how did he find out?" "It was when Palmer was about 7 that he found out," Regina said, exhaling, finally happy to get this long kept secret off her chest and out into the open; she continued, "and, frankly, it was my fault. She got sick, very sick, at school one afternoon and when they called looking for her father, and he informed them he was, they informed him he wasn't, and from there he started to distance himself from her. It was some stupid intern, not an actual doctor, but still. The beans were spilled. That's why he always loved Dodie so much, because he knew Dodie was his. We were having problems when we were first trying to get pregnant, and I was already seeing what a jerk he could be, but we were just recently married and I was young and I didn't want to admit to making such a mistake right out the gate, you know how it goes." "No, I'm gay, I don't," Emily said, smirking, reaching out and putting her hand on Reggie's thigh, "but it's okay. She has a dad, and he's gonna come and he's gonna give her blood and everything will be fine." Regina nodded, and then wiped her face on her sleeve before starting to cry. Emily leaned in and wrapped her arms around her sister in law, squeezing her tight, letting her cry against her as she stroked her hair. "What about Adam?" Regina asked quietly, "what do I do about Adam?" Emily, sadly, didn't have an answer for that. *** Adam's eyes fluttered open, and he glanced around the room, his eyes darting back and forth before he finally felt a hand touch his arm and he flinched, recoiling in fear instinctively, before he noticed it was just Dodie. He relaxed, breathed a sigh of relief, and smiled as Dodie climbed up onto the hospital bed with him. "Does it hurt?" she asked. "I got shot, of course it hurts," Adam said, "...it must not have been that bad though." "No, the doctor said it went right through you, didn't hit anything, was all muscle," Dodie said, "must be because you work out so much." "It's from lifting all those groceries," Adam said, "who needs to go to the gym when you can just lift paper bags full of food, right?" Dodie giggled, and Adam reached out, taking her hand. Dodie's face contorted, and she collapsed onto him, sobbing. Adam rubbed her back gently, reassuring her, but she wouldn't stop crying. Her voice was muffled, but he could still make out the words, despite her mouth being pressed against fabric. "I thought you were gonna die," she said, "and you can't die, you promised me you wouldn't die." "Well, I think I held up my end of that promise," Adam said weakly, "I'm still here, aren't I?" Dodie finally got herself under control and pulled away a little, sitting crossed legged on the bed and playing with her hands as she spoke, afraid to look Adam in the eye because she thought it might make her weep again. Adam shifted in the bed, trying to sit up a little. "...you saved my sister," she whispered, "you saved everyone. You're a hero now." "I wouldn't call myself a hero," Adam replied, laughing weakly, "but...someone had to do something, and...and none of my other cashiers were going to, and...I couldn't let Palmer get shot. You girls have had a rough year, and I just...you didn't deserve more death in your family, Dods." "Our family," Dodie said, correcting him, his brow raising in surprise. "Our family?" he asked, repeating it. "Mhm," Dodie said, "you're a part of the family. This is our family. Especially if you're going to marry mom, then you're actually part of the family. I was never scared of you replacing dad. I was just afraid of you leaving like he did." Adam smiled and reached out, waiting for Dodie to take his hand. She did, after a moment of hesitancy, and he squeezed it gently. Dodie then crawled up beside him, lying down, and resting her head on his chest. Adam winced a bit, but soldiered through it and, using his other hand, pulled her close in, kissing her head. Dodie shut her eyes and cuddled up to him, relaxing. As she rested on him, Adam stared up at the ceiling and thought about the event he'd just survived, and his thoughts turned to Palmer. He thought she must be okay, if Dodie was claiming he'd saved her, and yet he had no way of knowing. His eyes watered, and he bit his lips to fight back the tears, but it did no good. He was scared that Palmer was gone, and he had no way to disprove this thought. Instead, he refocused his attention to what he did currently have, one stepdaughter who was thrilled he was here. And for a little bit, that managed to quell the fear in his heart. *** "I can't believe what I'm hearing," Emily said, she and Reggie standing outside, a bit aways from the hospital so they could smoke. Reggie hadn't smoked in years, but after the recent events, she figured it'd help relieve some stress. Emily shook her head and exhaled, as she watched Regina take a long drag; Emily scratched her nose and continued, "this is...I mean it's unreal to think that he's not her father." "He hated me for it, and he hated her even more, because he didn't see any of himself in her, just me. A traitor. He was such a narcissist, he could only love something if he saw himself in it. No way to empathize with anything or anyone that didn't remotely represent him," Regina said, grimacing before she looked at Emily and said quietly, "...sorry, I know he was your brother, I just-" "You don't have to apologize, lord knows he never did," Emily said, adjusting the brim of her black sunhat and looking up, past Regina, as a man approached them from the nearby parking lot. Well dressed, in a light colored jacket and a baseball cap on his head, he stopped as he reached the women, and Reggie slowly turned to face him, smiling weakly. "I thought you quit," Ansel said. "Well, I've whittled it down to only doing it in extreme circumstances, and there's nothing more extreme than your daughter and boyfriend being shot, so," Reggie said, "...it's good to see you, Ansel." Ansel and Reggie leaned in, hugging one another tightly, warmly. Despite not having seen one another for years - in fact only have very minimal contact since the truth of Palmer's paternity came to light to Michael - they still clearly were fond of one another, and Emily was happy to see that Reggie wasn't as lost as she'd always assumed she'd been. After the hug broke, Reggie wiped her eyes on her sleeve and looked down at her shoes as Ansel chuckled. "Wish this reunion could've happened under a better situation, but alas," Ansel said, "...how bad is it?" "Bad enough that she needs blood," Reggie said, gently chewing her lip, trying not to cry. Ansel put his hand on her shoulder and looked at her comfortingly, patting her. "It'll be alright, she's gonna be okay," he said, "When I heard Michael died, I wanted to reach out, but...I don't know...it felt...wrong somehow. Despite the fact we have a child together, interacting just felt oddly predatory, which is weird considering I'm a married man and you and I have no romantic interest in one another." Ansel and Regina stopped and look at one anothers eyes, before glancing nervously behind Reggie towards Emily, still leaning against the tree they'd been smoking beneath as she waved politely at Ansel before blowing smoke into the air. "How did this even happen?" Ansel asked. "There was a shooting," Reggie said quietly, "she was at a grocery store to get a cake for something, but someone brought a rifle into the store. From what her friend Sarah, who was there with her, told me...it...it was a girl they knew. Someone from their book club. The thought of anyone doing this sort of thing, let alone to someone they considered a friend...it's just despicable to me." Ansel pulled Reggie back into him, rubbing her back, as he shook his head. "I always wanted to be here for her," he whispered, "...just not for something like this." *** Palmer finally woke up a few days later, and the first thing she did was look weakly around the room. It was empty, and she couldn't figure out exactly where she was at first but after a few moments she realized, based on her immediate surroundings, that she was at the hospital. She groaned and tried to sit up, only to have the door open and look to see Sarah coming rushing in. Without even thinking twice, Sarah threw her arms around Palmer, squeezing her tightly. Palmer could feel Sarah's tears hitting her bare shoulders in her hospital gown, and she reached up with what little energy she had to stroke her hair. "...I was so scared you weren't going to wake up," Sarah whispered, "I was...I was so scared you were gone." "I'm not," Palmer croaked, her voice rough and her throat sore. After a moment of hugging and soft crying, Sarah pulled away and wiped her face on her shoulder, shaking her head, her hands still on Palmer's arms. Palmer looked at her quizically, and Sarah sighed. "This was always my biggest fear," Sarah said, "that...that someone would use what I am against me. Okay, it didn't happen to me directly, but I was adjacent to it because we're together, and...and the last thing I ever wanted was to get someone I love hurt because they love me. I'm so sorry, and-" "This wasn't your fault," Palmer said, reaching up and touching Sarah's face, smiling weakly, "this...nobody could've predicted she would've reacted the way she did. If there's one thing I've learned so far this year, it's that, like...you can never predict how people will react to a situation, especially when they're emotionally involved. I don't want you to ever feel like you caused this somehow, okay?" Palmer put her palms on Sarah's face, and Sarah smiled, nodding slowly, before leaning in and kissing her just as the door to the hospital room opened, and Regina entered, before pausing momentarily. After a second of processing what she'd just seen, she smiled and continued to come into the room, sitting in a chair by the bed. "You're awake," she said, before looking at Sarah and asking, "does she seem lucid to you?" "She seems very lucid, considering the shock and amount of drugs they probably have her on," Sarah said. "Am I on drugs?" Palmer asked. "You don't have to pretend, it's okay, druggie," Sarah said, stroking Palmer's head, making her and Regina laugh. After a moment, Sarah excused herself, and now it was just Regina and Palmer in the room. Palmer looked at her hands sitting in her lap, as Regina smirked and reached out, putting her hand on her daughters leg, causing Palmer to turn and look at her mother. "You know it's okay to be who you are, right?" Regina asked, and Palmer nodded as she continued, "because I don't care. If Sarah makes you happy, then that's what I want for you. You're my child, and all I want is for you to be happy, regardless of who it is you love or who loves you, okay?" "We were gonna buy a cake," Palmer said softly, "we were gonna buy a cake, and bring it to the house, and just...have a little coming out party and tell everyone, but then..." Regina climbed onto the bed and pulled her daughter into her chest, squeezing her tight, repeatedly kissing her head. "You're okay, you're safe now," she whispered, "we don't need to dwell on it." "No, but we do," Palmer said through tears, "we do need to dwell on it, because who I am almost got me killed, and now I'm wondering if it's worth it, because-" "Don't ever think it isn't," Regina said, pulling herself away for a second, brushing Palmer's bangs from her eyes and looking her in the eyes, "I know it isn't up to me to tell you how to deal with your life, your identity, but Palmer, it's always worth it to be yourself, regardless of the danger that comes with it, because to deny yourself, well, yourself, is only means you're giving into the fear that others want to instill in you. By being yourself, you're defying that, taking that power away from them. This was something your father gave in to, and it cost him a lot." "...dad hid something about himself?" Palmer asked, and Regina sighed. "...Palmer," she said, "We need to have a discussion about where your blood donation came from." Palmer looked at her mom with widening eyes, until the door to the room opened again, and Ansel slowly came in. "...who...who are you?" Palmer asked, as Ansel approached the bed and waved meekly at her. "Hiya, Doodlebug," he said. *** "I'm pregnant," Regina said, standing in a stunned Ansel's doorway, his spoon to his cereal hanging from his mouth, bowl in his hand. He stepped aside and let Regina shuffle inside his little apartment. As she tossed her purse onto the couch and looked around at his studio, she smiled to herself before turning to face him again and adding, "still living like a starving artist I see." "I'm not starving, I have cereal," Ansel said, holding up his bowl, making her laugh, before he asked, "so...you're pregnant?" "We used protection, I...I can't imagine how this-" "Protection isn't always going to protect you, everything has a fail rate Reg," Ansel said, and Regina nodded, leaning against the wall, folding her arms. "What do we do?" she asked quietly. "Well your husband has to believe it's his," Ansel said. "Not a problem, we have sex enough for him to not be suspicious," she replied. "Then just have the baby," Ansel said, "and we'll just...stop seeing one another." And that's exactly what they did, and it killed them both inside. It wasn't that they had a lot of love for one another - if anything their relationship was born out of pain, Regina due to her marriage and Ansel due to his longtime girlfriend leaving him - and that trauma bonding had brought them together to create a child. But once Palmer was born, they decided not to speak again, because it'd just be too painful. That being said, once year, for Halloween, Regina sent Ansel a letter and a photo, discussing in depth her deteriorating marriage and, in the photo, was Palmer, then 5, in her Halloween costume, and for a moment, Ansel thought about everything he'd given up. He didn't love Regina, nor did Regina love him, but he loved his daughter, and he always regretted never being able to be there for her. Sometimes, in the early mornings, Ansel would get himself a cup of coffee from a local place near the elementary school and then he would park across the street and wait, leaning against his car. He didn't care about the looks he got, justifiably so as it was strange for a grown man without a kid to be watching an elementary school, all he cared about was seeing his daughter. And then he'd see her. She'd be skipping down the sidewalk, holding Michael's hand, and they'd stop at the gate. He could hear them easily, thanks to there being no early morning traffic. The mantra she and Michael recited in unison still burned in his head years later. "I am special, I am smart, and I have the biggest heart! I give kisses, I give hugs, I am daddy's Doodlebug!" And he'd watch his daughter go inside the school, before climbing back into his car and driving away, crying, the Halloween photo - the only picture he had of her - tucked into his dashboard. He hadn't been there for her when he should've, and instead she got a father who eventually hated her for not being his own. He hadn't been there for her when the family was hit with a crisis, and she was left with lingering questions about why her own father hated her. He hadn't been there for her when she began to wonder about her sexuality, lost her virginity to a boy who didn't care about her, and instead took up with her little sisters riding teacher. He hadn't been there when she'd gotten lost in the woods during a storm, or when she'd been shot in a grocery store. But in the end, Ansel Whitaker was there when it mattered the most. He was there to give his own flesh and blood his flesh and blood. And that alone made him a better father than Michael Hurks had ever been. And he intended to make good on that.
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Doodlebug follows a pair of sisters, Dodie (in 3rd grade) & Palmer (freshman in college), who try, poorly, to adjust to the sudden and shocking loss of their father. Archives
August 2023
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