Palmer couldn't stop staring at herself in the bathroom mirror.
She looked the same, and yet she didn't feel the same. She sighed, brushed her bangs from her eyes and exited the bathroom, only to find Arthur and Anita sitting at the table in the living room of the dorm, eating from a plate of bacon and hashbrowns together, jokingly arguing. "It's just weird, right? I mean, we have elongated potatoes in their natural form, then stick potatoes in the form of french fries, then flat potatoes in the form of hashbrowns, but why're there no outright round potatoes? And don't say tater tots 'cause those ain't round," Anita said. Palmer tried to ignore the conversation and headed to the fridge, yanking it open and peering inside. She'd been unable to concentrate on anything for the past week and felt awful. Classes had been rough, and even her sleep had been poor. Ever since that night with that boy from the student mixer, Palmer just hadn't felt good. She finally pulled a blackberry flavored soda from the fridge, popped the top and started drinking. "Palmer, are tater tots round?" Anita asked, her and Arthur both looking at her now. "...I think I need to see my mom," she said quietly. *** Dodie and Nona stared at the volcano on the kitchen table, afraid to start the chain reaction. Regina stepped backward and, hands on her hips, nodded at her handiwork. It'd been a while since she'd made a baking soda volcano, but she still had it, gosh darn it. Standing there, helping her daughter and her daughters best (and seemingly only) friend do their science project, Regina felt a sense of accomplishment that she hadn't felt in ages. And then the front door opened. Palmer walked inside and flopped down on the couch, whining loudly until Regina came around. "How are you sweetheart?" she asked, "You didn't even call to say you were coming." "Mom, everything sucks," Palmer said loudly, making the girls in the kitchen giggle, which, in turn, made her smile a little. "Everything okay?" Regina asked, sitting down on the couch as Palmer looked over behind them at the girls, and then lowered her voice, leaning closer to her mother. "Can we talk somewhere?" she whispered, and Regina nodded. The two stood up and headed into Regina's bedroom, leaving Dodie and Nona to admire the volcano by themselves. As they entered the bedroom, Regina shut the door and turned, watching as Palmer sat on the corner of the bed and slowly pulled her beanie off, letting her long blonde hair fall down to her sides, the sun from the window outside shining through it brightly. "um," Palmer began, "...god, this is awkward. So, last weekend I went to a mixer with my friends, and...and I just...oh boy. So I went to this mixer, my friend Anita basically pressured me into it, which, I mean, I'm thankful for her for pushing me out of my comfort zone but I also hate her right now for it, because when I was there I met this boy and I..." Regina leaned against the dresser and just listened. Palmer sighed and pushed her bangs from her eyes again. She needed a haircut. Maybe she'd ask her mom to cut her hair before she went back to the college. She hadn't had a haircut from her mom in ages, it seemed like. She missed that. "So uh, we hung out and played card games and just talked, and then after a bit, we..." she started again before trailing off once more and Regina smiled, sitting down on the bed beside her daughter. "I get it, you don't have to finish, I know what the end is. A story as old as college itself," Regina said, "You don't have to explain the rest." "I have two problems," Palmer said, and Regina's face changed. "...you're not pregnant are you?" "God no!" "Oh thank the lord," Regina said, clasping her hand to her chest and adding, "I mean, I'd support you even if you were, but that is just not something we need right now on top of everything else. Your father's death has been more than enough for the year. So, what's wrong then?" Palmer stood up and started pacing, playing with her own fingers as she walked. "I don't know how to explain this," she said, "he...he didn't stay, and by morning when I woke up he was gone. He didn't leave a note. He didn't give me his last name. He never gave me a phone number. He was just...gone. It dawned on me that every man I've dared to get close to, be it dad or this guy, have left me this year and...why do they keep leaving?" Regina now could see how upset Palmer actually was. She was struggling not to cry as she leaned against the wall and wiped at her eyes with her sweater sleeve. "why does everyone keep leaving me?" she whispered. "Sweetheart," Regina said, patting the spot Palmer had been sitting, making Palmer come and seat herself once more as Regina hugged her daughter and said, "It isn't you. Your father didn't die on purpose, and this boy, I mean, maybe something came up, maybe he'll come back around, who knows. All I know is that none of it is your fault." "How can you sit there and tell me none of it is my fault when dad never liked me much and this guy apparently didn't like me enough to stick around through the night?" Palmer asked, "Apparently I'm doing something wrong if that many people regularly dislike me." "I assure you, it's not you," Regina said, "your father didn't really like me much either as the years went on. We...we were always friends, but the romance went away pretty quickly once you girls were born. He was a...a weird man, Palmer. And as for this boy, well, it's his loss." "You have to say that, you're my mom." "Oh, I assure you I don't have to say anything that would bolster your self esteem just because I'm your mom. Believe me. My mom taught me that much," Regina said, making Palmer chuckle. It was true. Grandma had always been especially bitter towards Regina, and Palmer knew it all too well; after a moment of rubbing her back, Regina asked, "So what's the second problem?" "Hmmm?" "You said you have two problems, what's the second problem?" Regina asked, and Palmer bit her lip. "oh, right," she muttered, "uh...well, I guess that would be the fact that it felt...wrong." "Wrong how? I mean, the first time is rarely the best, but-" "Because it..." Palmer started, then stopped. "What? What is it? You can tell me," Regina said. But how could she? She knew her mother was open minded. She knew she wouldn't hate her for it. But how could she tell her mother that it felt wrong because it was with a man? Meanwhile in the kitchen, Dodie and Nona were still sitting at the kitchen table, looking over all the little details Regina had put into the baking soda volcano. She'd even gone out and bought tiny little model palm trees and put them around the mountain range, to make it appear more scenic, and she'd gone and collected little rocks outside for more detailing. Dodie sighed and sat back in her seat. "It feels like everything is almost always covered in lava," she said, "that threat is scary. Things are gonna overflow and kill everything in front of them." "You mean like with family?" Nona asked, and Dodie nodded, resting her chin on the table. "Like, my dad dying was the explosion, and since then, everything has just gotten worse and covered in lava," Dodie said. Nona sighed and looked at her friend. She wanted to say something, but was unsure of just what that something was. Instead she stayed quiet and just looked back from Dodie to the volcano. It was a weird analogy, but not a bad one. Back in the bedroom, Regina was still sitting on the bed as Palmer cried, her head resting on her mothers shoulder. "I'm so sorry," she cried, "I don't know what to do, I don't even know who I am anymore. Dad dying has destroyed my identity because it made me realize I never had one to begin with and now I'm so old I don't know how to make one. I hope I'm not just making this up, grasping at something to make something for myself." "Honey, if you're gay you're gay," Regina said, "and that's perfectly fine, I don't care. What I do care about, however, is how upset you are. You need to do something to calm down, ease yourself into this. It's a big moment, accepting a part of yourself, but you-" Suddenly Palmer stood up in a shot and rushed out of the room, leaving Regina confused. As she raced out the front door, Dodie and Nona noticed, but just shrugged as she disappeared out of sight. A moment later Regina stumbled into the kitchen and, hands on her hips, sighed before looking at the girls at the table and, smiling, went back to helping them. *** Sarah was standing in the stall of her palamino, brushing him down before setting the brush down and picking up a small hose with a squeeze nozzle on the end. She then started spraying the ground, while the horse ate hay from the nearby hanging metal trough. Sarah had headphones on, and didn't hear the doors open, or hear the footsteps approaching on. It wasn't until a hand was on her shoulder, turning her around to face her, that she finally screamed a little and yanked her headphones down. "Good god mayor of buttstown, don't do that!" she said loudly, making Palmer chuckle a little. "Sorry, I guess you couldn't hear me," she said. "What are you even doing here and how'd you know I'd be here?" Sarah asked, brushing errant strays of her walnut brown hair out of her face. "I had a bad weekend," Palmer said, "Last weekend I made a mistake, or maybe it wasn't a mistake, I don't know yet, and now I'm freaking out and you were the person I had to talk to because you're the only way I'll know and I'm really sorry about both this being a run on sentence and also that I need to kiss you." Sarah's eyes widened and she laughed, completely taken aback by this sudden admission. The more Palmer looked at her face, the more she realized she liked what she saw. Sarah had a very young looking face, and slightly buck teeth. She had dark walnut colored hair that was in a ponytail and hazel eyes. After a minute of laughing, she finally regained her composure and cleared her throat. "I'm sorry, I just...that's the most forward anyone's ever been with me," she said, "But, sure, if you need to test this out, may as well be me I suppose." Palmer nodded, then put one hand on Sarah's shoulder and the other on her hip and looked in her eyes. She'd never once questioned herself. She'd always assumed she'd liked boys, and perhaps she still could. She certainly liked Eric but didn't like the sex. The sun was beginning to set and dim rays of light broke through the cracks of the weathered barn, splashing across Sarah's face. Palmer shut her eyes and leaned forward, pressing her lips against Sarah's, kissing her hard. Sarah kissed her back, she couldn't help it. After a few minutes of kissing heavily, Palmer stumbled, pushing Sarah against the barn wall and kissing down her neck, making her breath heavily. "Whoa whoa, wait, just," Sarah said, giggling, "This is all very, uh, welcome and hot, but...uh..." "I'm...I'm sorry, I don't know what I'm doing," Palmer said, stuttering, "oh god I'm so bad at romance and stuff, I never...I've barely kissed anyone in my whole life." "Really? Cause I thought you did pretty well," Sarah said, "I just...I actually like you, and I wanna help you but I...I can't let myself get involved with yet another straight girl using me to experiment on. I hope that makes sense. So if you're sincere, if...if you're interested in doing this and...and it makes sense to you, then I'll gladly help, but if you just are gonna hurt me, then..." Sarah glanced at the ground and sighed. "I've been through it too many times," she whispered. "I would never hurt you," Palmer said quietly, pushing some of Sarah's hair behind her ear, making Sarah blush as she added, "I'm sorry, I can't believe other girls have done that, that isn't okay. All I know is that before you asked me, I was certain of my status, and once I lost my virginity, all I could think about was what you asked, and...and if all I can think about after fucking a boy is how much I would've maybe preferred fucking a girl, then there's a pretty good chance I'm gay." "Definitely true," Sarah said, laughing, which made Palmer laugh, finally easing some of her tension. A moment passed, and Sarah fluttered her eyes a bit and looked back up at Palmer, then said softly, "You can keep kissing me now if you want." And she didn't hesitate to take that offer. *** Dodie and Nona stood in front of the classroom the following Monday morning, Dodie reading off the cards while Nona poured the baking soda into the open volcanic hole at the top, making everything spew outwards, rolling down the mountain, exciting everyone in class. It felt like a success, but it also felt like what life had become. Everything was breaking down, and there was nothing Dodie could do to stop it but run for cover. Meanwhile, on the same Monday morning, Palmer woke up to her landline off the hook, sitting on the bed. As she reached for the receiver and put it to her face, she was happy to hear Sarah's voice. They'd talked all night, and had fallen asleep together on the phone. This was far more comfortable than anything Palmer had done with Eric, and she was grateful for that. As Palmer got ready for her classes, she found Anita and Arthur siting, once more, at the table eating bacon and hashbrowns, once more arguing jokingly. Palmer poured herself a cup of coffee and leaned against the counter, listening until Anita finally looked at her. "Tell Arthur that he's wrong and that Pork doesn't come in every shape and size," she said, "It doesn't come in a triangle shape!" "Because who the hell would make triangular pork? That's actually a great name for a band though," he then whispered to himself. "What's with you?" Anita asked Palmer, who just shrugged, sipping her coffee. "Nothing," she said, "I'm just having a great morning."
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Regina wanted to scream.
How could she have done this? How could she have been so reckless? She was usually so careful to check through Dodie's pockets before she put the clothes in the wash, but the one time she forgot was the one time Dodie had something absolutely irreplaceable within them, something she could never forgive herself for ruining. Regina leaned against the washing machine, smoking a cigarette and just thinking. She finally picked up the cordless home phone and dialed a number. "Hello?" Adam asked, picking up the other line. "It's me," Regina said, "I just fucked up big time." "What happened?" Adam asked as Regina blew smoke out in front of herself and sighed. "I just ruined my daughters favorite photo of her father," she said softly. A pause. "Boy, you're havin' a bad year," Adam said, making her actually crack a smile. *** "This is awkward and uncomfortable," Palmer said, standing in the bathroom of her dorm, trying to put eyeliner on; she sighed and added, "This is why I never wear eye makeup. It's almost impossible to apply and it hurts like hell." "You're such a baby," Anita said, sitting on the toilet seat and using a curling iron to work on her hair, "This is what women do to look nice, don't you wanna look nice?" "I'd rather not go at all, to be honest." "Yeah, and that's part of the problem. I'm all for your introversion, believe me, I get it, but at some point you have to interact with the real world even if it's only once a year or something," Anita said, "You've been hiding out since your dad died, and again, I get why, but maybe it's time to do something else?" "I could hide out at home instead, if that sounds more acceptable," Palmer said, making Anita laugh as she turned and looked at Anita and asked, "Where's this coming from anyway? You're, like, the most introverted person I know. You jog, for christ sakes. That's the single most introverted athletic activity one can take up! What's gotten up your butt about going out all of a sudden?" "Because," Anita said, standing up and setting the curler down on the sink counter as she gripped Palmer's shoulders and grinned, "You can't get laid staying at home, and I do occasionally getting laid. Now hurry up." Palmer grimaced at this statement. She knew she could easily use the virgin card to get out of this if she so chose. She knew Anita wouldn't push her on it if she told her, but she wanted to help her friend have a good night. Palmer was torn. She looked back at herself in the mirror and sighed. She'd just not talk to anyone except Anita and Arthur, that was all. She'd stick to her guns, not drink and not go home with anyone. She'd done well this far in her life, why would tonight be any different? *** "I gotta admit, this is a weird date," Adam said as he sat on the couch, sifting through a box of photos of Regina's dead husband. Regina chuckled a little from her spot on the floor as she did the same. "Well, I'm sorry, I just can't get through all of these by myself before she gets home and I need to see if I can find another one of the photos to replace the one I wrecked," Regina said, picking up her glass from the table and sipping it. "Why'd she even have it in her pocket?" Adam asked, "Was it show and tell or something?" "I...honestly don't know. I've never known her to do it before," Regina said. "She must really miss him," Adam said, making Regina sigh and shove her box away from her. "You know, you'd think that, at this point, I'd be all the more careful," she said, "you'd think having your husband die in an accident would only make you extremely cautious here on in, and yet, here I am, destroying our daughters most prized possessions in a washing machine." "It wasn't your fault, you said it yourself you had no idea it was in there." "Yeah, because I didn't check," Regina said, "I always check. I don't know what I was thinking this afternoon. I just...completely spaced." "I also don't think," Adam said, picking out another handful of photos and comparing them, "that it's fair to compare your approach to life to the thing that took your husband. Why should you alter the way you experience life just because of the way he left the world? That doesn't make any sense." Regina sighed and shook her head. She knew Adam was trying to make her feel better, to make her feel less guilty, but it wasn't really working. Dodie was already having so many problems trying to adjust to a life without her father, the last thing Regina wanted to do was make it harder for her. Remove any reminders of the father she'd once had. Regina felt sick, but Adam stood up, walked over to her and sat across from her on the floor. "Hey," he said, "it isn't your fault, alright? These things happen. If nothing else, have her pick a photo out herself, one that she'll want to keep to remember him by. It won't be the same, but it's something." Regina nodded, not responding. Maybe Adam was right. Maybe this was the best option she had. Adam checked his watch and sighed. "I should get going, she's gonna be here soon," he said, but as he stood, he felt Regina's hand gripping his wrist and puling him back down to the floor; he glanced at her and asked, "Yeah? You need something?" "Just...not yet, don't go yet," she said quietly. So he didn't. *** Palmer had never gone to parties in high school. She'd never attended any kind of bashes, get togethers, soirees or any other kind of social activity in which her peers were not only there in number but also with the sole intention to hook up with one another, aided by the worlds greatest liar, alcohol. Standing there by the table, glass bottle of root beer in her hand, Palmer felt...out of place. Anita, however, looked exactly like she belonged here, despite coming off as far more antisocial than Palmer ever outwardly appeared. Arthur finally came back to their side after talking with a few of his classmates across the hall. "I'm so uncomfortable with seeing classmates outside of class," Arthur said, "In high school, you saw these people for a set number of hours during the day, the week, but now it's like they're roommates and I hate having such regular contact with them." "I know the feeling," Palmer said quietly, lifting her drink to her lips and sipping, adding, "I'm not a big fan of these meet and greet things myself. I just don't really feel all that interested in meeting anyone who isn't already a part of my social circle." "Your social circle consists of two people," Anita said, pushing some chips from the bowl on the table into her mouth, saying while chewing, "that's not a social circle, it's like a social triangle." "You'd have been a brilliant mathematician," Arthur said, making Palmer snort with laughter. Arthur then spotted a professor he enjoyed speaking to, so he went off to talk with them, while Anita headed to the designated dance space, leaving Palmer all by her lonesome. She leaned against the table, folding her arms, her eyes scanning the room before dropping her sight to her shoes so nobody could mistake her for looking for companionship. She sipped her drink again and sighed, shaking her bouncy blonde hair. "It's a sickening display of excess isn't it?" a voice asked from nearby, and she turned to see a young, lanky man standing by her at the table; he continued with, "I mean, we wait so long to be adults that as soon as we're given any kind of freedom, we immediately overdo it. This restriction is what creates addiction in the end. People wait so long to drink or whatever that they then eventually become alcoholics." "Boy, those are some conversational skills you've got there," Palmer said, smirking. "I'm just saying that, like, we wait to be adults because we think it'll be more fun, but all the fun that comes with being an adult seems to be hurting yourself to the point of wrecking your life," the man said, "I just...I guess I don't really understand the appeal of screwing yourself up for the future for pleasure in the immediate pleasure." Palmer looked at him again. He had short brown hair, rectangular glasses and light stubble. He was wearing a white button down shirt with a thin black tie, and black slacks. He looked more like an office worker than a student, but he was about her age, she could tell. Either way, he was far less creepy than most of the guys she had seen that evening thus far. "So what's your idea of a good time? Staying in, playing solitaire? Cause that was what my evening was going to be until my friend dragged me here," Palmer said. "Actually that sounds nice, yes," the man said, holding his hand out so she shook it and he added, smiling, "I'm Eric." "Hi Eric, Palmer." "Actually, I'm more a Go Fish guy myself," Eric said, adjusting his glasses, "but that's just me." Palmer laughed a little, which in turn made him laugh a little too. Maybe Anita was right. Maybe it wasn't such a bad idea to socialize now and then. *** The front door opened and Dodie entered the house. She stopped in the foyer as she saw the boxes and photos strewn across the living room floor, then let her bookbag slid down to the floor as she approached the room, only to find her mother lying on the couch. Dodie shook her mom gently, who looked up at her and smiled warmly. "Hi Doodlebug," she said. "What is all this?" Dodie asked. "These are photos of your dad," Regina said, "um...I was hoping you might be interested in going through these and finding a photo or two that you liked and wanted to keep for yourself." Dodie knelt on the floor and started going through the pictures, while Regina sat upright on the couch and watched. She was genuinely terrified at telling Dodie about the ruined picture from her pants pocket, but she knew it was better to just get it out and done with than dance around the subject. "Why would I-" Dodie started when her mother interrupted. "Because I accidentally washed your pants with your photo in them and I'm so sorry and I didn't know and I totally understand if you never wanna talk to me again and we can find you a foster family with a better foster mom and-" "Mom!" Dodie said loudly, laughing, "What...what photo?" "...the...the one of your dad and you at 2nd grade bake sale, remember? He had the ducky apron on and...and I'm so so sorry, Doodlebug, I just totally forgot to check your pants before I washed them and I have been freaking out all day about this." "Oh, that photo," Dodie said, sitting on her knees, "That's not my favorite. That was just the one I wanted to show to class for show and tell because we were talking about being embarrassed by our parents. I mean, it was a funny picture, but it wasn't my favorite." Regina felt like the wind had been knocked out of her. She softly excused herself and stood up, picking up the house phone as she made her way to the hall bathroom and dialed Adam, who answered on the 2nd ring. "Heyo," he said. "You were right, you son of a bitch," Regina said. "I appreciate vindication, but not when it comes with being sworn at, to what do I owe the pleasure?" Adam asked. "It was for show and tell," Regina said quietly, "How do you know my kids better than I do?" "I should know them pretty well, you talk about them all the time. You're a good mom, Reggie," Adam said, and Regina felt herself blush. How lucky she was, she felt, to have a guy in her life like Adam right now. She finished up her call in the bathroom, then went back to the living room, where she found Dodie looking at a picture. "I like this one," Dodie said, "It's dad riding a bike. He looks young." "That's from college," Regina said, "You can have it." Dodie smiled and tucked the photo in her shirt pocket. "Hey," Regina said, leaning forward on the floor, "Would you mind if a friend of mine came over for dinner? I think you'd like him." *** Palmer heard her bedroom door open, and she tried to open her eyes but everything was blurry. She finally managed to get one eye open, and saw a fuzzy outline of Anita stumbling into the room, digging through a basket of clothes until she pulled something out. "What're you doing?" Palmer asked. "Just borrowing a sweater for a jog this morning," Anita said, "Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you up. Where'd you vanish to last night?" That's when it all came back to Palmer. Her and Eric coming back to her dorm for a card game or two, both totally sober, both virgins. They played a couple hands of each game, and before she knew it, they were on the couch, making out. It was Palmer, actually, who'd instigated it, and who'd then insisted they go to her bedroom. She started to blush, then she looked around the room and realized she didn't see Eric, or anything belonging to a man, anywhere in her sight. "I have to go, but we'll talk later," Anita said, pulling her headphones on and tying the sweater around her waist as she headed out to her jog. Palmer groggily stood up, in a band t-shirt that once belonged to her father and a pair of sleep shorts. She stumbled her way to the bathroom, brushed her teeth, fixed her hair a little, then headed to the living room and kitchen area, where she found Anita leaving just as Arthur entered. He smiled as he put his backpack down on the table and looked at her. "Good morning!" he said brightly. "How are so goddamned chipper?" she asked, before squinting and following up with, "Hey, did you see a guy I was talking with last night? Or, like, even around here at some point?" "No, why?" Arthur asked, walking to the fridge and pulling out an apple, biting into it. "...no reason," Palmer said. Had she really just given her virginity to the first nice boy she'd spent even a little bit of time with? Still, she'd been the one to suggest it, and it could've happened with someone worse. But why hadn't he stuck around? Why hadn't he said anything? She never even got his last name, for fucks sake. She sat down at the table as Arthur poured her a mug of coffee. "So, you have fun last night? Was Anita right?" Arthur asked. "I'm gonna fuckin' kill her," Palmer muttered. *** The next morning, Dodie awoke to the smell of pancakes, something she hadn't had in ages. As she got up that Saturday morning, and raced downstairs to the kitchen, she found instead her mother sitting at the table and drinking coffee, reading a book. Behind the stove was her mothers friend Adam, who had left the previous night but was now back. Dodie seated herself at the table and looked between them. "Did you come over here just to cook breakfast?" Dodie asked. "People love to help in times of loss," Adam said, "Now, do you want chocolate chips in your pancakes or not?" Dodie waited a minute, then nodded, grinning as Adam got to work putting chocolate chips into the batter. She looked at her mom, who reached over and stroked her hair before going back to her book. Dodie pulled her knees up on the chair and hugged them to her chest as she watched Adam cook. "You wanna see how a professional makes pancakes?" Adam asked, and motioned for her to join him, "Come on, come over here, check this out." Dodie quickly got up and joined him at the stove, as he taught her his trade secrets of pancake making. Regina just sat at the table, occasionally glancing over and smiling to herself. For the first time in months, this house once again felt like a home. Turns out you really can get anything at the grocery store, she thought. "Did you find everything alright?" Adam asked, as he finished checking Regina's groceries and bagging the last of them.
"I actually did have some trouble finding something," Regina said, grinning, "Do you maybe do a personal shopper sort of situation?" "I do, actually, do you need help taking this stuff out to your car ma'am?" Adam asked, picking up her bags as she nodded and bit her lip. "I'd really appreciate that, yeah," she said. Within minutes they were in the backseat of her car, parked just far enough away from the grocery store, with the windows steamed up. It all seemed like some sort of fucked up roleplay fantasy, but Regina couldn't help but like it. Afterwards, they just got dressed again and sat in the front seat of the cars, passing a joint back and forth. "I haven't smoked pot since I was just out of college, before my daughter was born," Regina said. "Really? That's surprising, you seem like someone who would do it a lot," Adam said. "I probably would've, but my husband was really oddly antidrug, even for the seemingly most mundane of them," Regina said, "god, you don't think about what the person you're married to is like while you're married to them, only once they're gone - whether divorce or death - does it really hit you...all their faults and their flaws, all the little things you used to write off as oddities now become annoyances." "You said you loved him though," Adam said. "I did...I won't deny that, even up to his death I loved him, but," Regina stopped, tapping her nails on the window and sighing, "...I don't know. We were really really close when we were younger, but I think having children changes your romantic dynamic, and afterwards we...we were still great friends but we weren't the same as before. It's hard to explain." Adam reached over and patted her on the thigh, smiling as he said, "Hey, you don't gotta explain anything. You can just ramble and I'll listen, it's cool." "...thanks," Regina said, blushing, "...you know, people always say young guys are the worst, but you're pretty alright." "That's what I like to think. Not too great, not too shabby, just pretty alright. Does wonders for my self esteem," Adam said, making them both laugh as he handed her back the joint and she took a long puff from it. They must've stayed in that car for 2 hours solid. *** Sarah could only have been prouder of Dodie's efforts at her first riding show if she'd been her own daughter. Standing near the gate of the arena, watching with hands clasped tightly and the biggest smile on her face, she felt like all of her horse knowledge had been shared with this little girl, and she was so happy to have been the one to share it. She watched Dodie tell the horse to trot, to canter, to gallop, to jump over little barriers barely off the ground. She watched her do it all with ease and realized Dodie was a better rider than even she had been at Dodie's age. As Dodie finally pulled the horse back around to the side of the arena, Sarah re-entered and helped her dismount the saddle. Once her feet were firmly planted on the ground, Sarah hugged her. "You did so well! You're gonna be great at tonights showing!" she said, "Are you excited?" "I guess," Dodie said, looking at her feet. "Hey, what's wrong? This is what we've been working towards, you should be happy!" Dodie opened her mouth, then hesitated, closing it again and just opting to shrug her shoulders instead. Sarah knew that since her father had died, she'd become much more reserved, but even still she wanted her to have some sort of joy at what she was about to accomplish. Sarah knelt in the dirt of the arena and looked up at Dodie. "Hey," she said, "do you like to play with toys still?" Dodie nodded. "Well, I have a bunch of old classic horse toys, plastic figurines and stuff, and I was thinking of donating them somewhere. Would you want them?" Sarah asked. "...are you sure you're okay with giving them away?" "Yeah, I'm too old for them, and I'd rather they go to someone who would appreciate and use them instead of me letting them sit around in dust," Sarah said, "Come with me, we'll sit down and I'll show you some pictures of them!" Dodie smiled and nodded, then gave the horse half a carrot and walked off excitedly with Sarah, hand in hand. Dodie was lucky. She had a big support group between her new friend at school, her horse trainer and her family. Not all children, especially when grief is involved, get that. *** "Why do you have so many groceries in the house?" Palmer asked, shutting the door to the pantry. She'd come down for the evening to see her sisters horse show, but upon inspecting the kitchen for a snack, she was beginning to have issues with the way her mother was running things. She hopped up on the counter and sat there, pushing her grey beanie up a little on her head. "I've been having groceries delivered," Regina said as she washed some dishes. "What, like 5 times a day?" Palmer replied, making her mother chuckle. "It's simply easier than going out and getting them, especially with having to do double the work now considering I'm the only parent around," Regina said, shutting the faucet off and turning towards her daughter while wiping her hands on a dish towel; she furrowed her brow and asked, "Must you sit on the counter?" "I must," Palmer said, tearing open a small bag of carrot sticks she'd foraged from the fridge and biting into one; she added, "ya know, I don't think I ever had an extracurricular activity like Dodie does with her horses. At least not one I can remember. Maybe I did and it was so awful I repressed the memory." "That's probably not far off from the truth, actually," Regina said, surprising her daughter by hopping up on the counter and seating herself, joining her as she lit a cigarette and said, "when you were about 5, you were part of a small group at the local library called The Bookworms, and it was a handful of little girls who loved to read. But you really didn't like going, despite liking reading, because the other kids made fun of you for what you liked to read." "...really?" Palmer asked, popping another carrot stick in her mouth and chewing, her blonde curls bouncing as she titled her head, "...why? What was I reading?" "You insisted on reading books about mummies and ancient burial techniques," Regina said, "eventually the woman who ran the group said it'd be best for everyone if you stopped coming, since you didn't like to participate to begin with and everyone was giving you a hard time anyway. Your dad was furious." "He was always disappointed in me." "No, not at you, at the woman running the group," Regina said, taking a long drag and then putting it out in the ashtray sitting on the counter with them as she continued, "He said 'whose business is it what she reads so long as she enjoys reading?' and frankly, I agreed with him. The whole point was to get kids interested in literature, ANY literature. It wasn't supposed to be a popularity contest, but somehow children and their adults always turn it into one. There isn't a single goddamned aspect of childhood that hasn't been morphed in some sick way into a popularity contest of sorts." Palmer chewed slowly, waiting for the silence between them to lessen. Outside, a truck slowly drove by, and she could hear a dog somewhere bark. "...was that what your childhood was like?" Palmer asked quietly and her mother sighed, scratched her forehead and shrugged. "It doesn't really matter, all that matters is that the same doesn't happen for your sister," she said, "We need to focus on keeping her away from kids who might want to hurt her." "Why would anyone wanna hurt Dodie?" "They wanted to hurt you," Regina said, touching her daughters face and smiling softly, "and you two are more alike than you'd think." Regina hopped down off the counter and went back to washing dishes, leaving Palmer sitting there, very confused about the exchange that had just taken place. Maybe she'd talk to Dodie later, after the showing, see what she thought about the whole thing. She was coming to realize that talking to her sister made a hell of a lot more sense somehow than talking to their mother. *** Sarah was leaning against the wall right outside the changing room, her arms folded, her hair braided; she was already in her riding outfit, and her helmet was sitting at her feet. She pulled her sleeve up and checked her watch. The show was going to start in 15 minutes, and Dodie was the 2nd person showing for dressage. She exhaled and put her hands to her head as she slid down the wall and onto the floor. Suddenly she saw a pair of feet approach her, and she looked up only to see a woman about her age standing there looking down at her. "Can I help you?" Sarah asked. "I'm looking for my sister," Palmer said, "She's supposed to be in this dressing room, right?" "She is in this dressing room, but she refuses to come out," Sarah said as Palmer sat down beside her. "What?" she asked. "I don't know. We were looking at photos of horse toys I was going to give her, and then suddenly she just...she just said she'd get changed and once I was out of the room she locked the door and refused to open it. Maybe she'll talk to you, considering." "Maybe," Palmer said, "...don't take it too personally, okay? Things are just weird lately." "I'm well aware," Sarah said as she stood up and, putting her helmet on her head, began to walk away as Palmer knocked on the door. After a moment or so, it opened a crack, and Dodie peeked out of the room and up at her sister. "Are you alone?" she asked. "I don't think I was follow, but you never know with spies these days," Palmer said, making Dodie chuckle as she opened the door further and allowed Palmer into the room. Once inside, Dodie locked the door once more and sat down on the little chair as Palmer stood in front of her. Palmer cleared her throat, folded her arms and asked, "So what's going on?" "...he said he'd be here," Dodie whispered. "What?" "...dad said he'd be here for this, and he isn't," Dodie said. "oh." "yeah. oh." Palmer got on her knees and put her hands on her sisters legs. "Hey, dad said he'd do a lot of things for me and he never did," Palmer said, "but the difference is he chose not to do those. This he didn't have a choice about. He literally physically cannot be here because he isn't here anymore. If he were, he would be here, you know that and I know that." "...but he's not here, still," Dodie said, tears rolling down her face, "and I shouldn't be sad, I should be used to it by now and-" "Why the hell should you be used to it by now? Dodie, he's only been gone for a few weeks," Palmer said, surprised at her sister, "for god sakes, you should never get used to a parents death. Who said you should be used to it?" "Nobody. I just don't want people to keep worrying about me," Dodie said, "Everyone seems to think I'm in need of help all the time but I'm not. I'm not in danger. I just miss dad." Palmer leaned in and pulled her sister into a hug. She squeezed tightly, firmly, lovingly. Dodie hugged her back. After a few minutes, they pulled away and Palmer wiped Dodie's face off with her sweater sleeve. "You know what? Dad's not here, but I am. Mom is. That girl outside the door seems to be your friend, and we all came to watch you ride," Palmer said, "Because you're good at it, not because it's expected of us to be here, but because we believe in your skills. Dad never once told me he believed in anything I did, so I'm telling you right here and right now that I believe in you." Dodie smiled and nodded. "Now let's go ride some horses," Palmer said, taking her sister by the hand and helping her leave the room. *** "These are awesome," Palmer said the following day, as she helped Sarah unload the horse toys from the back of her car. "Well, they should be, they were expensive when they were new," Sarah said, "Um..." The girls stopped on the lawn and put the boxes down. Sarah looked anxious. She fiddled with her chocolate brown braid, twirling it between her fingers and chewing on her lip. "I'm sorry about last night," Sarah said, "I...I try to be there for her, but sometimes I'm not enough. Sometimes she needs her family, and it seems like you're a pretty good sister because you manage to help her when she needs it most." "I like to think I'm pretty good, yeah," Palmer said, stuffing her hands in her coat pockets as they started to walk down the street a ways. "I don't have any siblings, so, like, I guess I don't have that instinctual sisterly nature about me, but I like to think that I'm empathetic enough about people that I wanna help them, even if I don't know them, because I don't think you should have to be related to someone or even be aware of who they are to wanna help them," Sarah said, "and I know that sounds pretty damn naive but, like...I guess I'm just still young enough to foolishly believe in the kindhearted benevolence of people." Palmer nodded, thinking to herself as they walked, the fallen leaves crunching underfoot. "Can I ask you a question? And it may come off as weird considering we have barely spoken, but...would you wanna go somewhere with me sometime? Have, like...I don't know...dinner, or something?" Sarah asked, making Palmer stop in her tracks. "...uh...like a date?" "I...I guess." "I'm not...I'm not into girls," Palmer said. "Oh," Sarah replied, blushing and looking back down at her feet, "oh god I'm embarrassed, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to make things awkward." "No I appreciate it, believe me, it's flattering," Palmer said, making Sarah blush again as Palmer waited a moment and then said, "I mean...I guess I don't know for sure, since I've never tried it, but, like...shouldn't that knowledge be innate?" "Not necessarily," Sarah said, "but forget I asked, I'm sorry. I should get going." Sarah turned and walked briskly back to her car, just as Palmer caught up behind her, grabbing her wrist and, uncapping a pen between her teeth, wrote her dorm phone number on it. Sarah looked at the number and then at Palmer, who shrugged. "College is all about new experiences, right?" she asked, "I should be more open minded." Sarah almost wanted to die from embarrassment, but instead she stuttered, then got into her car and drove away, leaving Palmer to pick up the boxes of horse toys and carry them into the house. From the upstairs bedroom window, unaware to Palmer, her mother was on the phone. "My daughter just gave her phone number to my other daughters horse trainer," she said, sipping wine, "...anyway, can I see you tonight? She's here to babysit overnight, so I could sneak away for a bit." "That sounds good," Adam said on the other end of the line, "Meet me outside the store, we'll do something fun." Palmer hoisted the boxes up the stairs all by herself and then dragged them into Dodie's bedroom. Once inside, Dodie slid off her bed and onto the floor, where her sister collapsed to her knees, exhausted. Dodie tore open the box tops and started pulling the plastic horses out one by one. "God...I am so out of shape despite being so young," Palmer said. "Will you stay and play horses with me?" Dodie asked. Palmer looked at her sister, and realized she could do for her what their father couldn't. She could be there right now, invested in her interest. "Sure, but I get to be the paint," Palmer said. |