All Dodie wanted to do was tend to her horse.
Well, not her horse in terms of definitions, but the horse she used when she went to her lessons. She had had a bad therapy session, and then her mother got mad at her for something completely insignificant, and so the only thing on Dodie's mind at this point was to enjoy her time with her horse. Standing in his stall, brushing his coat, she couldn't even remember most of the day and that's exactly the way she wanted it. She hated having bad days, and she liked being here because it was as though the rest of the world was entirely blocked out momentarily. Palmer had come down to spend the weekend with her so their mom and Adam could take a small vacation, and while Dodie took care of her assigned horse, Turnip, Palmer and Sarah were in another stall. But they weren't petting horses, they were far too busy petting one another. Sarah had Palmer pushed against the wall of an empty stall, her lips pressed against Palmer's neck, a hand covering her mouth so she couldn't make noise into the empty open barn air, and frankly...Palmer was in love with the loss of control she was feeling right now. As Sarah slowly pulled her lips from Palmer's throat and ran the tip of her nose up her neck to her cheek, she smiled. "You've been such a good girl today," Sarah said, "Maybe tonight, I'll make up for what I can't do now." "Don't do that, don't get me started, not here, in public," Palmer said, her voice shaky, her attraction obvious, making both girls laugh; Sarah pulled away from Palmer and readjusted her riding clothes as Palmer started to run her hands through her own hair, trying to calm herself down. "You know," Sarah said as she lifted one of her legs up on a nearby bucket, fixing her riding boot, "they have these riding crops here, and-" "Sarah, oh my god," Palmer interrupted, laughing. "Actually," Sarah said, after getting her giggles under control, "Would you like to go riding with me? I noticed Dodie's been in a mood today, so I thought tomorrow morning the three of us could go for a ride somewhere. Somewhere not on the regular trail. Somewhere special, unique. Have you ridden horses?" "A few times," Palmer said, nodding. "...that aren't attached to metal poles?" Sarah asked. "Oh, well, not nearly as much, but yes," Palmer said, "and I'd love to go with you guys. It'd be a lot of fun to take her out and do something like that, and I'd be a lot of fun to make that kind of memory with you too. That way, when I'm back at school and lying in my cold, empty bed thinking of you, I'll have something to keep me warm." Sarah blushed as she finished with her boot and stood back up, grabbed Palmer by the arm and gently tugged her towards herself, planting her lips on her once again. After this kiss broke, Sarah excused herself to go check on Dodie's grooming progress. Watching her exit, Palmer leaned against the wall of the stall and thought about her life. Thought about how lucky she felt. Thought about how she was so happy to finally know herself. And after feeling good about herself momentarily, she too went to focus on her little sister, because Dodie hadn't been feeling very good about herself lately. *** "Do you wanna talk about it?" Adam asked as he drove, Regina just looking out the window. She hadn't said a word since they'd embarked on their little journey, and they'd been in the car for over an hour now, and she still hadn't talked. Adam was, understandably, starting to get a little concerned. He turned the air conditioner up and blasted it on her, which she smiled at. He knew how much discomfort she got from the wrong temperature, so he always made sure to keep the car and the house at a comfortable level for her. "I think I wanna stop and get something to eat," Regina said quietly, and Adam nodded. "There's some stuff coming up, we can absolutely do that," he said, "I can pull off here and we can find somewhere." Regina nodded, wiping her eyes on her blouse sleeve, making Adam feel like she was trying not to cry. After pulling off an exit and then a short bit of time looking, they finally settled on a little noodle shop. Adam parked and, together with Regina, they headed inside. After being seated, and ordering, they continued their self imposed silence, though not because Adam wanted to. After their server brought them their drinks, Adam - after taking a very long sip - sighed and leaned back, crossing his arms. "Okay," he said, "if you wanna talk about-" "He never did anything like this," Regina whispered, interrupting him, much to his surprise; she continued, sniffling, "he never once put aside his plans or his needs and focused on doing something just for me. Yet here you are, working a barely minimum wage job, and you're finding the time. Not just finding the time, making the time. And just for me. Not because you'll get anything out of it. You just...want me to relax and feel good." Adam felt like he was going to cry now. He choked back his tears momentarily and cleared his throat. "Uh, I've never really had good relationships with women, and as such I've always worried that, you know, maybe I wouldn't be the best boyfriend. But it's true. I do just want to see you relax and feel good," he said, "I just...wanna take care of you, Reggie, that's all I want out of this. Anything else is simply a bonus." Regina smiled, blushing as she looked down at her hands on the table. Adam reached across and took one of her hands, gripping it gently, giving a little squeeze. "You're a beautiful person," Adam said, "and you deserve a beautiful life." Regina wanted to cry. Adam, a man half her age, was saying things her own husband had never said in all the years they'd been together. She almost felt like this wasn't real. Like she was living some sort of fantasy daydream wherein she wound up with someone who treated her right instead of a man who ignored her most of the time and catered more to his own whims than the needs of his family. It was in that moment, sitting in that noodle shop, that Regina decided she wanted to spend her life with Adam Barber, in one way or another. Her husband was dead. But her need for romance sure fucking wasn't. *** This trail Sarah had spoken of was actually in a nearby little forest, land preserved for exactly this specific situation. She hitched the trailer to her car, loaded three horses in it, and then together the three of them - Dodie, Sarah and Palmer, piled in and drove to the spot for a nice, quiet afternoon ride. After finding a suitable parking space, Sarah unloaded the horses and got them all saddled up. Her horse, Gadget, was a horse she not only owned but had been training for over a decade, and Dodie, of course, was riding Turnip. Palmer, however, hadn't ridden a horse since she was a tween at least, and was unsure of her skill level. Sarah had chosen a fairly laid back and well trained horse as a result of this uncertainty from Palmer, an older horse named Milk. The girls climbed aboard their repsectives steeds, and trotted off into the woods, the sunlight breaking through the thicket of branches that loomed overhead intermittently. "This is nice," Palmer said as she and Sarah stayed a bit back, giving Dodie the lead. "I love doing this," Sarah replied, "it helps keep me calm, and centered, like Yoga but, you know, with giant animals." Palmer laughed and Dodie, hearing this laughter, cringed. She hated that her worlds had collided. At the ranch, Sarah was entirely home, and at home Palmer was entirely hers, but now that they were one and the same, Dodie felt like she lacked anything whatsoever. She was having trouble feeling like she belonged with either one of them, and this feeling of isolation was making her feel worse because not only was she lonely, but she also felt guilty for wanting each girl to herself when she could so clearly see how happy they made one another. "Honestly, don't even do anything," Sarah said to Palmer, "just trust that he'll follow us, and if you don't interfere, you'll be perfectly fine. Otherwise you run the risk of having him take off and throw you to the ground and we're a long ways from any kind of medical help." "God forbid I die by horse," Palmer mumbled, both of them giggling. The last time Palmer had ridden a horse - actually in earnest ridden a horse - was when she was 9 at a state fair. She could recall being on the back, proud of her newfound animal taming abilities, shouting to her mother and father on the sidelines to watch her. And Regina did, with such pride that it warmed Palmer to this very day. But Michael? Michael instead went to get something to eat. He never looked. He never waved back. The further they got from his death, and thusly out of their grief, the clearer a picture Palmer was beginning to have of her father. Why had she mourned for a man who so clearly had no interest in being here when he was alive? She had decided that she was tired of chasing approval from a man who never cared about approving of anyone beyond himself. In hindsight, her life really was no different with him dead than alive. It's just that he was a deadbeat dad. Now he was just a dead dad. And her life had only improved since then, quite frankly. *** The front right tire had blown out. Pulled alongside the road, hoping for assistance, Adam knelt beside the tire while Regina sat on the hood and watched the expression on his face change every few minutes. "Thinking that if you look at it enough different ways it might fix itself?" Regina asked, and Adam looked up at her, smirking. "Alright, I don't need this sass," he said, the both of them chuckling as a car pulled up and parked in front of them. An older couple - at least in the late 60s - climbed out and approached as Adam stood back up. "You look like you're in need," the man said, "You guys got a spare at least?" "No, we don't. I just...I never was taught how to change a tire, so," Adam said, "and she always relied on her husband to do it for her." "Well, lucky for you," the man said, stroking his mustache, "I always keep a spare for situations such as this. I'll happily get it on there if you'll assist me. You're a lot younger and thus a lot stronger than I am." Adam had no problem with that, and, clapping his hands together, ready to be put to work, followed the man to his car. The mans wife, in her long minimalistic sundress, stood beside the car with Reggie to keep her company. She pulled her sunhat off and tossed her long chocolate brown hair, sighing as she fanned herself with her hat. "Where's your husband?" the woman asked, "he said your husband used to-" "He's dead," Regina said, "Adam is my..." What was Adam, exactly? It was clear they were a couple, and yet the word "boyfriend" had almost never left her lips, like she was scared to say it, and that made her feel confused. Other people had called Adam her boyfriend, so why was she so seemingly terrified of the idea? Maybe because it made it permanent, and after losing a husband, nothing felt permanent, especially people in your day to day life. Regina sighed and shook her head, looking from the woman back at Adam, who was helping the man pull the tire and a crank out of the back of their car, then she looked back at the woman. "He's just Adam," she said, "and he's mine." "We should hurry this up," the man said as he and Adam passed the women, arriving back at the car with the tire and crank, "feels blustery, like there's a storm moving past." *** When Dodie was a little girl - she was still a little girl, but a littler girl at least - she'd always loved having her sister around. Now, it seemed, her sister was taking all the important things away from her. Horse riding was hers. Sarah was hers. She hadn't moved in on Adam yet, but god only knew how long it would be until she did, and being older than Dodie, she and Adam could do fun adult things together like father and daughter might. Hearing Palmers laugh fill the space between the trees, it made Dodie's rage grow. "Once," Sarah said, "when I was like 14, I participated in a dressage competition and I was so late that I didn't have time to change everything so I went out in sandals and I STILL won." "That's just proof that firstly you're that good and secondly they aren't big sticklers in regards to rules," Palmer said. "I was surprised they allowed it!" Sarah said, "but I'd already won a few by that point anyway so I'd proved myself, skill wise." Suddenly Dodie stopped and turned her horse back to face Sarah and Palmer, who quickly came to a halt as well. "What is it Dod?" Sarah asked. "Why are you friends?!" she shouted, "Sarah's MY friend! She's MY teacher! It's not enough that you were actually Doodlebug but now you have to steal Sarah from me too?!" Palmer was, admittedly, taken completely by surprise by this sudden outburst of emotion. She stared at Dodie with a mixture of sadness and confusion, before sighing and realizing she could no longer keep her family in the dark. It was time. She had to come out. "Dodie," Palmer said, "uh, we're not friends, we-" "If you're not friends then why are you spending all your time together?! Everytime you come home from school lately you spend all your time with Sarah instead of me!" Dodie screamed, "what about me?!" And with that, Dodie turned on her horse and, kicking Turnip's ribs gently, started to gallop away. Sarah and Palmer quickly took off after her, as the sunlight was beginning to be drowned out by the incoming storm, the clouds eliminating the brightness of the day and bringing with it rain. Palmer could feel the rain starting to hit her face, and Sarah stopped as Palmer continued for a bit before stopping and looking back at Sarah. "We're gonna lose her!" Palmer shouted. "The weather has turned and it isn't safe to do it this way," Sarah said, "We need to find shelter and then we can come back after hitching the horses to look for her!" "She's my sister, I can't just-" "Palmer, we don't have a choice, it's too dangerous," Sarah said, and as Palmer looked back at her sister disappearing into the rain and trees, she couldn't help but admit Sarah was right. Palmer followed Sarah to an offshoot of the trail as they began searching for coverage. Meanwhile, Dodie, ignoring the danger and wanting instead to put as much distance between herself and them as possible, continued on Turnip until finally Turnips hooves slipped in a bit of mud and, scaring him, he reared up and threw Dodie off him. Dodie hit the ground with a thud, then rolled down a hill before hitting her head against the trunk of a tree. She was knocked unconscious immediately, despite wearing a riding helmet, and with the water falling and the chance for flooding, if her sister and trainer didn't find her soon... ...their father wouldn't be the only death in the family of recent memory.
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Elise Montgomery was not a popular girl, not at high school and not at college either now.
With her conservative, plain as dryer sheet clothing style - often consisting of long earth colored skirts and button down shirts with boring loafers and glasses that were at least two sizes too big for her - and her ordinary straight auburn hair that regularly covered her face, Elise was usually seen sitting by herself and doing coursework or spending her nights alone in her shared dorm while her roommates went out and she stayed behind to watch old westerns. If someone had just ever taken the time to get to know her, they would've seen that she wasn't as boring as she seemed. She just didn't have the same interests as most of her peers. But nobody ever took the time. Nobody ever does. And nobody knew this better than Elise, who'd spent the majority of her existence perpetually ignored by those around her. Then, one night, when she was watching TV, she heard the large bell on campus ring out a few times, and she stood up, walked over to the window and, pulling the curtains away carefully, looked out at the bell tower. Maybe they'd think about her if she did something amazing. Something they'd never forget. Something they'd never see coming. *** Palmer opened her eyes and groaned as she rolled over, her hand reaching across the bed only to find Sarah was no longer in it. Palmer sat up a little and looked around the room. Her things were still here, so it wasn't like she'd left. The bedroom door opened and Sarah entered, with a small tray containing two mugs and a plate of bacon. As she shut the door behind her with her butt and set the tray on the bed, Palmer chuckled. "That ass is pretty talented," Palmer said. "Girl, you know it," Sarah replied, sitting on the bed and handing Palmer her mug of coffee. "Don't you have to drive back tonight?" Palmer asked. "Tomorrow morning," Sarah said, "I have a dressage competition to oversee. But until then I am staying right here, with you, and this bacon." For the last few weeks, Sarah had been coming up every weekend she could and staying from Friday to Sunday, only to head home early Monday morning to do her horse work at the stables and deal with the kids she was training to ride. Palmer had loved having her around, and having her all to herself. Hell, there were some days they never even left the room, opting instead to just lounge and enjoy one anothers company. While Palmer sipped her coffee and watched Sarah open the book she'd brought with her to read, chewing on bacon as she did so, Palmer couldn't believe how lucky she was. Sarah was beautiful, so very beautiful, and so amazingly talented. She made Palmer feel like the only girl in the whole world, and she loved it. After a bit of breakfast, Palmer got dressed and got out of bed, heading to the living room of the dorm where she found Arthur and Anita sitting at the table, having breakfast of their own; Arthur having cereal and Anita eating toaster strudels. Palmer walked past them, headed into the kitchen and got herself some more coffee before coming back to the table and looking at them. "Everything okay?" she asked, lifting the mug to her lips. "...look, we've been pretty polite up to this point, but...this girl who's coming over here so often, is this just a friend from back home or?" Anita asked, never being one to shy away from a subject so brazenly; Arthur's poofy curly hair bobbed as he looked over at Palmer, awaiting a response. "...does it matter?" Palmer asked, "I mean, I'm allowed to have friends come over, right? Didn't you ever have sleepovers when you were growing up?" "No, I didn't have friends," Anita said, "is that something you were supposed to do?" she asked, looking at Arthur who nodded solemnly, causing Anita to groan and rub her forehead and bite her lip as she added, "Palmer...I don't care, I just wanna know what's going on, cause you guys are the only friends I've ever had and I wanna make sure that I'm part of the circle." "Well, sometimes the circle is only big enough for two people," Palmer said sternly, "maybe sometimes the circle needs time to be opened to others, you know?" Just then they heard someone knock on their door and Arthur scooted his chair back, walking over to the door and opening it to find a girl from his Physics class standing there. "Hi Keisha, what's going on?" Arthur asked. "There's a girl on the belltower!" Keisha said, causing everyone to run to the window, Keisha included, and look out towards the belltower where, indeed, a woman was standing at the top of it as a small crowd gathered around below her. That's when it struck Palmer...she knew this girl. Palmer quickly ran back into her bedroom and grabbed her shoes, slipping them on as Sarah got up and joined her, the five of them rushing out towards the belltower. Maybe she wouldn't be too late. Maybe. As they approached and got closer, forcing their way through the crowd - mostly with the help of Anita shoving others aside thanks to her track girl physique - they could now see her more clearly. Palmer had been right. This girl had shown up at the Bookworms meeting. Palmer looked around for any kind of entrance to the belltower, confused at how she managed to get up there, and that's when she noticed the railing near the back of it. Palmer looked at Sarah, who was engaged in conversation with Arthur and the others, so she slipped away and headed towards the railing which led to a few steps and a door. Palmer pushed the door open, then slunk inside. *** "Are you happy?" Regina asked, lying on Adam's lap as he massaged his fingers into her head. "Very much so," Adam said, smiling down at her, "Why?" "Emily just...she made me feel like I don't take enough care of myself," Regina said, "the other day we had this conversation about how I've dealt with my husbands death and, like, if I was just sleeping with you to feel less alone, and even if I were, would that be a bad thing? But I'm not. I like you. You make me feel happy in ways he never managed to." Adam blushed a little and nodded, continuing to massage her scalp. Reggie shut her eyes and lay there, exhaling gently through her nose. Michael had never been like this for her. He'd never - past the initial courting stage - really done much for her for the sake of comfort. Adam, on the other hand, did nothing except focus on her comfort. Regina really didn't realize what she was missing until she finally had it. "Are you happy?" Adam asked. "...yeah, I...I think I am," Reggie said, "I mean, things are still kind of, you know, raw, but...that's normal. That's to be expected. My husband died. Flawed as our marriage may have been, I still spent a good portion of my life with him. But it doesn't mean my happiness was entirely dependent on him. In fact, if anything, towards the end it wasn't dependent on him whatsoever. He made it worse. You make it better." Reggie looked up at Adam, who leaned down and pressed his lips against hers, making her laugh as she kissed him back. "Tell me some more stuff I do better, feed my ego, I like it," Adam said, chuckling as she continued to laugh. Was this what relationships were supposed to be like? Because she'd never known that. She'd always thought the way she and Michael had lived together had been the norm. But then sometimes she saw her friends with their husbands, their wives, and she would be surprised at how in love they seemed, and how suffocated she felt by comparison. Now she felt loved. And she never wanted to go back. *** Palmer reached the top of the stairs, and pushed open the other door, now feeling the breeze hitting her face as her eyes readjusted to the sunlight. As she stepped up onto the small platform the bell hung over, she could see the girl, and she knocked gently on the bell to get her attention. Elise turned and saw Palmer, then started backing up closer to the edge, as Palmer reached out. "No, please, don't freak out," Palmer said, reaching into her coat pocket and pulling a hair tie with which to keep her hair from her face in the form of a ponytail; once done she continued, "please just listen to me. Elise, right? That was your name? You came to my book club meeting?" Elise hesitated, then pushed her glasses back up her face and nodded solemnly. "I thought so," Palmer said, "now look, I'm gonna say a whole lot of things and they're not gonna be well said and it's all gonna be kinda jumbled together cause I'm pretty scared of heights and we're pretty high up right now but...please listen and believe me when I say this isn't what you should do, okay? I know that's, like, super trite, but I've...I've never told anyone this but I've felt the same way. I wanted to die. My sister has wanted to die and she's in elementary school. We're no strangers to these feelings, alright? I know it's a cliche to say you're not alone, but you're not alone." "Nobody likes me," Elise finally said, her voice low, weak, shaky as she backed against one of the pillars holding the roof of the belltower up, adding, "everyone thinks I'm weird. I don't have any friends. I didn't even come to the book club to make friends, I just came because I like reading." Palmer watched Elise slide down the pillar and sit down on the platform. Palmer then bit her lip and, getting on her hands and knees, crawled over towards her. When she was finally sitting in front of her, Palmer reached out and took her hand. "I get it," she said, "I like reading too. When I was in school, not college but other school, reading was the best escape, especially if your life sucks and it feels like nobody likes you. You get to go on these great little adventures with characters who feel like your friends that nobody else gets to go on, and it can really help. I get it, Elise, I do. But think of how many more books there are to read, and how many more adventures you won't get to go on if you leave now. You don't wanna do that, right?" Elise looked down over the edge of the platform and, after a moment, shook her head. "Exactly," Palmer said, smiling, "see, you do have friends. And you can make more. Now come down with me, because I'm about to pee my pants." Elise smiled and nodded, taking Palmers hand and letting her guide them back to the door. As they went down the stairs and came back out the back entrance, Palmer put a finger to her lips, indicating they should be quiet, and then slipped away in a different direction, much to the crowds confusion. Once further away from everyone, hiding in a small wooded area near campus, Elise was finally able to calm down and relax. Palmer and Elise talked quietly about their favorite books, each one recommending the other something they'd never heard of, and each one seemingly eager to genuinely follow through with said recommendation. But Palmer should've let her jump. She didn't know it now, but she should've. As the saying goes, no good deed goes unpunished. *** Dodie was sitting on the floor of her therapists office, in the sandbox, with one of the toy horses Sarah had given to her in that collection she'd recently donated. As she pretended to make it trot through the sand, she could hear Mariel's pen scribbling on the clipboard nearby, and she glanced up, only for Mariel to do the same and smile. "Don't worry, I'm not writing about you," Mariel said, "I'm writing about this other child who doesn't have cool horse toys." Dodie smiled and nodded, picking the horse up and looking at it in her hands before standing up and walking to the chair next to Mariel, who put her pen down atop the clipboard in her lap, folded her hands and paid attention. "This is a paint," Dodie said, holding the toy out, "Paint is my favorite kind of horse, because they can have so much variety in their colors and furs. So many horses are just one color, or all look the same, but paints all look different. No paint looks the same, even mothers and foals. It's really cool." Mariel nodded, leaning forward, resting her head on her chin as she listened. "It's weird...because my mom and I look the same, and I look like my dad, but Palmer doesn't look like either of them. It's weird that people in a family can look so different," Dodie said. "It happens," Mariel said, shrugging, "For instance, I'm the only one in my family with curly hair. It just...it happens. There are, as you said, variations. But variety is good, right? That's what they say! Variety is the spice of life! So good for your sister for being so different, and good for you for recognizing that differences equals beauty." Dodie smiled and looked down at her horse, stroking its mane as she fought to speak. "....I don't," Dodie started, "...I'm glad my dad is gone. I shouldn't be, and for a while I missed him, but now I'm glad. I see that just because he was a good dad to me doesn't mean he was a good dad to my sister, or a good husband to my mom. Adam makes everyone much happier, and I like him a lot more. Does that make me a bad daughter?" Dodie sniffled and wiped her eyes on her sleeve, as Mariel reached across behind her and grabbed a box of tissues, handing them to Dodie, who took them graciously. "Sweetheart," Mariel started, "it doesn't make you a bad daughter. Relationships with parents can be...challenging, to put it mildly. You have every right to like or dislike your folks as much as you want, or as much as feels comfortable to you. And someday you may feel differently. That's the thing about liking someone, it doesn't have to be definitive and it can change at any given moment. Some day you may like your dad again, or you may like your mom less. It's all up to you. But I think any decent parent would be understanding of how you felt and not take it personally." Dodie nodded and dabbed at her eyes with the tissue before balling it up and setting it in her lap, then looking at her horse again. "Adam takes me for ice cream every time after therapy," Dodie said, smiling, "dad never would've done that." "Then let's be happy Adam is here," Mariel said, "cause he sure seems happy you are." Dodie laughed and nodded. This was the first time since starting sessions that Dodie had really opened up like this, and it was good progress to see. And after it ended, Dodie and Adam did indeed go out for their usual frozen delicacy. Her mom didn't even know they did it. It was just a tradition for him and her, and that made it all the more special. Sure, her father had given her a pet name, but it was a pet name he'd given other girls before her. But he'd never gotten her weekly ice cream. *** "You saved someone's life today," Sarah said, sitting on the bed in pajama pants and a bra as Palmer also climbed out of her clothes and stood just in her underwear before lying on the bed, exhaling. "I did," she said, "that was...not something I ever thought I'd do. That was kind of cool." "You didn't do it for the ego boost, did you?" Sarah asked, making Palmer laugh as she crawled up further onto the bed, lying on top of Palmer. "I did it cause I can see myself in her...like...I was never that reserved but we're very much the same and I know how it feels to be that lonely," Palmer said, "I just didn't think it was fair for her to feel that way, and especially not fair to kill oneself over it." "I think you deserve a heros welcome," Sarah said, grinning, kissing down Palmers tummy before vanishing between her legs, Palmers fingers digging into Sarah's hair as a grin broke across her face. "I should do good deeds more often if this is the reward," Palmer said giggling as she shut her eyes and enjoyed it. The Hurks girls had been through a lot, but lately things had been winding down and turning into a rather mundane existence, which was thoroughly welcome. Progress was being made, but it wasn't too much at once, or not enough. Everything was just right. And comparatively to what they'd been dealing with just months before... ...just right was good enough. "It's quiet, do you think they're done," Emily asked, her voice wavy, scared. Understandable, seeing as she was only 6 years old. Michael pulled back on one of the blanket flaps and peered out into the dark room, then came back underneath and shrugged.
"I don't know, but probably not," he replied, "or they went outside to fight." This had been the life for the Hurks children for many years. Emily, 6, and Michael 9, had always had to deal with this. In fact, it wouldn't be until she was 9 and he was 12, and their parents finally separated and they moved in with their mother in a two bedroom apartment (meaning Michael and his sister shared a bedroom for a while) that they finally got sort of a reprieve. For a while, while their folks fought almost seemingly night and day, Michael took it upon himself to help take care of his little sister. He made her lunches everyday, he read to her, he aided her if she got hurt or injured. To Emily, Michael wasn't just her big brother. He was her savior, and she was his Doodlebug. And then, inexplicably one day, Michael cut off contact with Emily, and it killed her. No answers, no reasons, nothing. He just stopped speaking to her and refused to let her see his children or himself, and this sent Emily to drink. So drink she did. She drank, and she smoked and she found solace in the women in her local queer community. And then, one day out of the blue, Emily got a phone call from Michael's wife Regina, who told her her brother was dead, and all Emily could say in response was "good." And then she packed her bags. *** "Shhh," Emily whispered, giggling as she pulled Alissa closer to her and, running her hand up her arm, kissed her again. Emily and Alissa were hidden, tucked away in a little corner of the high school library, a place they'd been frequenting regularly as a way to make out and hide from prying eyes. As their lips pulled apart again, Alissa once more burst into little nervous laughs - something she always did when Emily kissed her, which Emily loved - and Emily joined her shortly after, repeating herself, "shhh!" Alissa and Emily had met in history class, when they'd been paired up to do a project about Rome. After discussing the civilizations intense homoerotic leanings, this quickly turned to discussion about their own interests in others, and once it'd been sussed out that both girls liked girls, it was only natural for them, they thought, to investigate this further with one another. They were both sophomores in high school, and Michael was off for his first year at college. For the first time in her life, Emily was without the guidance of her big brother, despite them constantly calling one another to regularly check in on one anothers lives. And yet, despite missing her brother, this was turning out to be the most interesting and exciting time in Emily's life. To finally be free of any kind of gaze, free to explore herself and the world around her without shame or fear. This was something she didn't know she'd needed, and didn't want to give up now that she had it. "We should probably get to class, lunch is almost over," Emily whispered, looking at the watch on her wrist, as she stood up against the bookshelf and pulled her backpack back over her shoulders; Alissa rose as well and leaned on the opposite bookshelf, watching Emily, blushing the whole time until Emily noticed her and grinned, asking, "What?" "Nothing," Alissa said, shrugging, "you're just pretty is all. I like looking at you." "Stop objectifying me," Emily said with a grin, both girls laughing. Emily and Alissa kissed briefly one more time before heading to their respective classes for the remainder of the school day. They would reconvene after school got out, and go to Alissa's since her parents worked late. At Alissa's they could do the usual; order a pizza, lounge around and watch TV while they continued to try and work on their project for History class. All in all, it was as good a situation as a first time queer experience could be. Or, at least, it was...until Michael found out. *** Michael never gave Emily a reason, but his reason wound up being the same for why he pulled away from Palmer. Or, at least, that was what Emily thought. After cutting contact with her, Michael watched Palmer grow up day by day, and day by day he saw his sister in her in many ways. But unbeknownst to Emily...his reasons for pulling away from Palmer as she aged were actually not the same for why he cut contact with her. The first few months without Michael in her life after he cut ties were the hardest. She found herself spending a good percentage of her time with Alissa, seeing they both went to the same college in the city they lived in, and worrying that her depression over losing her brother would upset her, but to Alissa's credit, she was anything but annoyed. She was comforting, compassionate, understanding. All things their parents had not been. All things Michael had once been. "I just don't get it," Emily said one night, sitting in Alissa's apartment on the floor (it was barely furnished, seeing as she'd only moved in mere days ago); she continued, "I mean...he'd only ever been supportive, why would that suddenly change?" "Well," Alissa said, bringing over two glasses and a bottle of wine and sitting on the floor across from Emily as she added, "some people just are in shock when they discover it. It can be a temporary thing and once the initial blow wears off, they can come to their senses and realize how much they miss their loved ones." "But what if he doesn't?" Emily asked, taking the glass of wine with her shaky hand, "what if...what if I never see him again?" "You find new family. You make new family," Alissa said, sipping her own wine and smirking, "that's the neat thing about family, it's a definitive definition. It can be altered to mean many things and include many people. For example, I can be family." Emily looked up from her glass and blushed. Alissa always knew the right things to say to lift her spirits, and she appreciated that so very much. What she didn't realize was how badly Alissa could also hurt her. A few months into her 23rd birthday, Emily found out that Alissa was seeing another woman. In fact, many other women. What had once been a tight knit and personal relationship built on years of mutual trust was shattered in an instant, and when Alissa tried to explain, Emily couldn't take it. Instead she did to Alissa what Michael had done to her. She cut all ties. But at least, unlike her brother, she had a legitimate reason. *** The last time Michael talked to his sister, he said a few cryptic things, none of which ever made sense to Emily, but forever always stuck to her, like an emotionally draining leech. It was right after Dodie had been born, and Emily had come to visit, and they were standing outside the house, Michael helping his sister put her luggage back in her car. As he closed the trunk and watched as she dug through her purse for her keys, he stopped and stood there on the sidewalk, staring at her. She finally looked up at him and smirked. "Having fun watching my ineptitude at organization?" she asked. "You can't come back," Michael said softly, and Emily stopped digging, looking up at him, her eyes wide. "Wh...what?" she asked. "You can't come back," Michael said, repeating himself, "you just...you can't come back. I can't have you around my family. I only let you come this time cause Regina insisted, but I can't have you being around them anymore." Emily felt her heart cracking, but she tried to hold it in. She finally pulled her keys from her purse and bit her lip. "...why?" she asked silently, terrified of the answer. "...because you're gay," Michael said, hating the words as they left his lips, "I can't...I can't have that around my daughters." Emily couldn't believe what she was hearing. Where was this coming from? Michael had never once come off as the type to be bigoted, especially towards his own little sister. She cleared her throat, tossed her hair and walked around to the drivers side of the car. Michael cautiously approached the window and knelt down, but she just kept her window rolled up and sped off down the street without giving him the chance to say anything more. As he watched his little sister drive away, Michael knew he'd never talk to her again, and it broke his heart. He wiped his eyes on his sleeve. It wasn't actually the reason, but it was a good enough lie to force her to stop contacting him, and that was all that mattered. Michael turned around to see Palmer and her mother coming out of the house - Dodie in Regina's arms - as they sat on the lawn and started playing with some plastic toys. Michael smiled. This was his family, and he had to protect them at all costs. Including his sister. *** Emily was sitting on the end of the bed in the spare bedroom when she heard someone knock on the open door and looked up to see Dodie coming in. She smiled and put out her cigarette, then focused her attention to Dodie, who stopped and put her hands in her overall pockets. "Um, Adam wants to know if you're gonna want dinner," Dodie said, "he's gonna pick stuff up cause he doesn't wanna cook tonight." "Yeah, yeah that's fine. I'll catch him and tell him what I want, thank you," Emily said as Dodie seated herself on the bed beside Emily and they sat silently together. After a moment, Dodie looked up at Emily, who smiled down at her. "I don't remember you at all," Dodie said, "is that bad?" "You were weeks old the last time I saw you, I think if you remembered anything from the first few weeks of your life that would be a medical marvel and you would be studied, so no, that's perfectly normal," Emily said, patting her nieces head gently, adding, "I would've come and seen you more, but your father told me I couldn't, so I stayed away." "Why did he say that?" Dodie asked, and Emily shook her head, exhaling. "That's the million dollar question, Dodie," she said, "I really wish I could answer that, because what he told me never struck me as the truth. He told me it was because I'm queer. But...but he was always supportive of gay people. I know that it can hit different when it's someone in your own family, but he just never struck me as that kind of person, so it's never made any sense. Regardless, he's gone now and I can be here with you guys." Dodie sighed and rubbed her hands on her jean covered knees. "...I like having you here," she said quietly, "cause you're the closest thing to dad that's still around. I never told mom or Palmer this, but...in the car, right before the accident - and I don't remember much but I do remember this - dad told me that he was happy Palmer was at college now, cause she reminded him of you too much. I don't see it though." Emily smiled and chuckled weakly. "One day you will, believe me," she replied, patting Dodie on the back, making her smile back. *** If there was one thing Palmer never expected, it was to be in a relationship. For the longest time, she just assumed not only that she was straight, but that she wasn't really all that interested in relationships or sex, not that the two went exclusively hand in hand. Turns out she was interested, just not in the people she thought she was, and as for the sex, well, she'd been a virgin up until recently, so that was a whole other bag altogether. But now, lying here on her bed with Sarah on her knees on the floor, her face between Palmers legs, Palmer couldn't imagine how long she'd gone lying to herself. All the things she'd missed out on that only now she was discovering. As Palmer finished climaxing, and Sarah crawled up onto the bed, lying on top of her and kissing her neck, Palmer blushed. "My parents like you a lot," Sarah said, "do you wanna have dinner with us this weekend?" "That would be fun," Palmer whispered, her eyes still shut, brain still reeling from the ecstasy as she mumbled, "I think I love you." And then her eyes opened and she slapped a hand over her mouth. Oh god. How could she have said that, just so openly, so suddenly? Oh lord. What had just been a moment of quiet passion now turned to intense panic. Sarah leaned up over her and looked down at her eyes. "You think you love me?" she asked, grinning, "cause for me it isn't a question. It's a fact." Palmer blushed as Sarah gently took her wrist in her hand and pulled it away from her mouth, locking lips with her. "I'm so sorry, I've never said that to anyone but my family," Palmer said, "Um, oh god." "You don't have to feel awkward with me," Sarah said, "but you can if you want, I admit it's pretty cute." Palmer cracked up and, putting her arms around Sarah's neck, kissed her back. "But, if it helps to ease you into it, I can pretend I'm unsure and say I think I love you too," Sarah whispered, pressing her lips against Palmers again, making her blush deep read. Yes, it turned out that love wasn't something she wasn't interested in. If anything, it was more that she just hadn't found the right person to love until now. *** Sitting in the waiting room of her therapists office, swinging her legs back and forth as she sat in the chair beside Adam - who had been the one to take her to therapy lately since her mother was working more - Dodie couldn't help but think about what she and Aunt Emily had talked about. Dodie looked up at Adam, who lowered his book and smiled at her, putting his hand on her back. "You're better than dad," she said softly, and this surprised him. "What?" he asked, half laughing. "You're better than dad cause you...you don't push any of us away. You're the opposite. You pull us to you. You wanna take care of mom and when Palmer came back the day Aunt Emily showed up, you were just nice to her immediately. You didn't even know her. But...but it was like...cause she was a part of mom, you loved her automatically. Dad didn't love her." Adam felt his eyes water, and he wiped them quickly on his arm before exhaling. "Your mother is...a remarkable woman, and maybe your father just couldn't see that, but I can," he said, "and I can see how remarkable you girls are because of her. That being said, much as I appreciate the sentiment, I don't think it's fair to compare me to your father, I mean-" "You're here and he's not," Dodie said sternly interrupting him. "Yeah but not by choice," Adam replied, "it was an accident, Dods, you know that. He'd still be here if he hadn't been killed." "He didn't wanna be here when he was here," Dodie whispered, and Adam furrowed his brow. "What...what do you mean?" Dodie had never told anyone what she'd heard. That the night before the accident, she'd heard her parents arguing quietly in the bedroom about divorce. About how unhappy he was. About how he couldn't trust his wife, and couldn't get past what she'd done. How he wanted something different. He didn't know what, but something. Dodie shook her head as the door to the office opened and her name was called. She hopped off the chair. "Nevermind," she said, entering the office, leaving a very confused and curious Adam in her wake. *** It was Emily's 10th birthday, and Michael made her a cake. He baked it himself from scratch, and he even took money from their parents bedroom and went out and got her some gifts. Okay, one gift, but it was something at least, which was far more than all the nothing her parents had gotten her. As she ripped open the wrapping paper, pulling out a collection of books she liked about a girl her age who solved crimes while babysitting, Michael couldn't help but feel proud of himself, and happy for his little sister. He tried to make sure she had the best childhood possible, since he'd seen firsthand how awful adulthood was. She made a wish, and then she blew out the candles. Her wish never came true, of course, but it turned out it didn't need to. She had wished for a family. Sure, it wasn't the family she hoped for then. But she did wind up getting one in the end. |