It was a Saturday morning.
Dodie was sleeping at Nona's, Palmer was at college, and Regina had had the house all to herself. She opened her eyes and the first thing she saw was Adam lying in her bed. She smiled and put her hand on his chest, then closed her eyes again. When she'd dropped Dodie off last night at Nona's, she immediately phoned up Adam, told him she had the place to herself for the weekend and he raced over with dine in and a twelve pack of wine spritzers. They talked, they played a few card games and they eventually went to the bedroom. Regina hadn't felt this comfortable in ages. Adam stirred, reaching up and wiping his eyes before rolling onto his side and looking at her. She smiled, which in turn made him smile. "I'll make breakfast and coffee if you go get the paper," he said. "You read the paper?" "No, I just wanna see if the horses I bet on won," Adam said, "That's the only reason. I could care less about the news, honestly." She laughed, then leaned in and kissed him before climbing out of bed and tugging her robe on. She walked down the hall, to the foyer and opened the front door. She reached down to grab the paper and sighed, feeling the warm Saturday morning sun on her face. "Jeez, I was wondering if you'd ever get up," a voice said nearby, causing Regina to scream as she turned to the porch swing and saw a woman sitting there. The woman, with her messy black hair and her emerald green eyes, put her cigarette out and reached down, grabbing the handles on her luggage. "Emily?" Regina whispered. "What? You not excited to see your sister in law?" she asked. *** Palmer was sitting in the library with Anita and Arthur, studying for something. She was chewing on her pencil and tapping her fingernails on the tabletop. For the last few weeks now, it seemed like Palmer had been in an excellent mood, though neither Arthur nor Anita knew about her blossoming relationship with Sarah. She simply wasn't ready yet to go public with that sort of thing, not that she thought her friends would be bothered by it in the slightest anyway. "You know, when I came to college I was under the impression that getting into it was the hardest part. I was never once informed that I'd have to continue putting in effort," Anita said, making Arthur and Palmer chuckle. "I didn't even know if I was gonna go to college for a while," Arthur said. "Really?" Palmer asked, genuinely surprised. "Yeah, really. I always liked school, but I also always felt like I was smart enough to make it on my own without the help of a degree. Guess it wouldn't hurt to have it to fall back on, but I still don't think it's a necessity, but I also suppose it depends on what you intend to do with your life, career wise." "I always wanted to go to college," Palmer said, "Ever since I was a little girl, I loved school and I couldn't wait." "Nerd," Anita said under her breath, making them laugh again. Just then the librarian approached the table and gently tapped Palmer on the shoulder. She turned around and looked up. "You have a phone call," she said, and Palmer got up and followed her to the front desk. Palmer took the phone and put it to her face, lowering her voice a little. "Hello?" "It's Dodie," Dodie said. "Are you okay?" "You have to come home," Dodie said, "Something weird is going on. Nona and I came over to get some stuff to play with and mom is locked in the bathroom and Adam is here and also aunt Emily is smoking all over everything." "Aunt Emily is there?!" Palmer asked, her voice rising a little, "wha...why in...wait, who's Adam?" "Like I said, you need to come home," Dodie replied. *** Emily, seated at the kitchen table and eating the breakfast Adam was continuously cooking - because he didn't know what else to do in light of the present situation at hand - hadn't been to the Hurks household in ages. In fact, perhaps the last time was when Dodie was only one year old, and even then the visit had been shortlived, thanks to her uncomfortable relationship with her brother, the girls father. Adam plopped some more bacon down into the pan as Dodie hung up the phone in the living room and then headed to the kitchen table. "Can I have some juice?" Dodie asked, and Adam winked at her. "You got it, kiddo," he said, heading to the fridge and pulling a carton out, then grabbing a glass from the nearby cabinet. While he poured, Dodie looked across the table at Emily. "Why don't I remember you?" she asked. "Why would you? Last time I saw you you were barely a baby," Emily replied, "your father and I didn't really get along, and that's been the main reason I stayed away for so long. Plus your mother. But now that he's gone...ya know, I didn't even come to the funeral." Adam walked to the table and put the glass down in front of Dodie. She thanked him, picked it up and took a long sip as he began to clear the table of unnecessary dishes. He then headed back to the stove as Emily whistled at him, catching his attention. "Hey, you my sisters live in chef or what?" she asked. "...yeah, let's go with that," he said, focusing back on his cooking. Meanwhile, in the bathroom, Regina was lying in the bathtub still in her robe, afraid to come out. She hadn't seen Emily in years, and she was afraid to now. She and Emily had never gotten along, not since...well...not since the wedding. No. Not gotten along is not the right way to put it. They got along too well was the problem, and it made the girls father uncomfortable. Regina sighed and looked up at the black stain on the ceiling overhead. God. When had things gotten so complicated? Just mere months ago she'd been a happily married woman, normal suburban housewife, and now she was sleeping with her grocery clerk and dealing with her 3rd graders rapidly declining mental health. A knock on the door. She looked over and waited until she heard the person walk away again. She went back to looking at the stain, unaware that in a few short hours, Palmer would also be home, and things would get even worse. *** Palmer could barely contain her ire. Could there just be a single week that does by this year where something didn't change in her life? First her fathers death, then her loss of virginity, then her sexuality awakening and now her aunt Emily is back? And who the FUCK is Adam? Thoughts of every kind on every spectrum swirled around inside her head as she drove back home. But, before she stopped home, she pulled into the driveway of another house. She got out, walked up to the door and knocked. The door swung open and Sarah, surprised to see her, stood there. "Oh! What...what are you-" Palmer didn't wait. She just hugged her and buried her face in Sarah's chest. Sarah blushed and stroked her hair. "Are you okay?" she asked softly. "Will you come home with me?" she asked, "...something's wrong, and I'm afraid to go alone." "Yeah, sure, of course," Sarah said, "I wasn't doing anything anyway." The girls piled back into Palmer's car and headed to her house. When she pulled up, she didn't see a car, but then thought perhaps a taxi dropped aunt Emily off. Palmer parked and got out, waiting for Sarah to join her. She took Sarah's hand and, together, they walked up the driveway and in through the front door to a sight not unlike Dodie's description. Aunt Emily was indeed sitting at the kitchen table, chain smoking, while Dodie did a coloring book and ate bacon of a plate full of what looked like a million pieces of bacon, and, weirdest of all, was a young man she'd never before seen standing behind the stove cooking. "Uh...hi?" Palmer asked as she entered the kitchen. "Palmer!" Aunt Emily shouted, standing up and hugging her tightly, "Oh baby, it's so good to see you, you look so beautiful! How is college?" "It's....uh....what's going on here?" Palmer asked. "I've turned the kitchen into a nonstop breakfast machine," Adam said. "And you are?" Palmer asked. "That's Adam," Dodie said, "Mom's boyfriend." Everyone stopped dead in their tracks as Adam rubbed his face with his hand, half laughing, half terrified. Dodie lowered her head and went back to coloring. "...mom's what now?" Palmer finally asked. "There's a lot you don't know," Adam said, "Your mother's locked herself in the bathroom, follow me." "Watch my sister," Palmer said to Sarah, who agreed and seated herself with Dodie while Palmer followed Adam down the hall. "...I'm just...SO confused," Palmer said as Adam undid his apron and tossed it over his shoulder. "Yeah, you and everyone else," he replied, "Uh, look, I...I don't wanna come in between a family, alright? That's the last thing I wanna do, especially to someone as great as your mom, so if I need to leave I will. I was only sticking around to watch over your sister while your mom hid, cause your sister trusts me, but I totally get it if-" "Are you fucking my mother?" Palmer asked. "Wow. Direct," Adam said, scratching the back of his head, "Uh...that's a little personal I think, but-" "...dad never made us breakfast," Palmer said quietly, "Sometimes he'd take us out to breakfast, but he never MADE breakfast. Do you make breakfast a lot? Do you make my sister breakfast? Do you make my mom coffee?" Adam stood there, uncertain of why she was asking these things, and then he finally nodded. "Yeah, yes, I do. Often. Whenever I get the chance," Adam said, "Your sister likes pancakes so I make specialized pancakes quite a bit. I used to be a line chef at a greasy diner, so, I know what I'm doing. I know how your mom likes her coffee. I know that she prefers it black with a sugar cube in it. Yeah I do." "Dad NEVER cared," Palmer said, "Dad NEVER made us breakfast, dad NEVER got her coffee. Everyone talks about him like he was this wonderful father, but only because he wasn't outright abusive. But doing the bare minimum, or just below that, doesn't make you a wonderful person. It just makes you not as bad as everyone else. Why am I the only one capable of seeing him for what he was?" "I...I really don't know," Adam said, "Maybe because you got away for a bit, because you managed to distance yourself. Distance will do funny things to your brain. It clears out the fog. Once you're no longer around someone all the time you can kinda actually analyze them and your interactions with them and-" "Please don't leave," Palmer said, "...please don't...don't leave. Please stay. Please keep making breakfast." Adam smiled and patted her on the shoulder. "Whatever you want," he said, before knocking on the bathroom door and saying, "Reggie, it's me, your daughter is here. Your OTHER daughter. Your very enlightened, too smart for her own good daughter." Palmer laughed and Adam smirked. The door unlocked and Palmer went inside while Adam left, heading back to the kitchen. Palmer saw her mom sitting on the edge of the tub and she sat down beside her. Neither one spoke. Palmer pulled her back up in a ponytail, then exhaled deeply. "I don't like swearing around you, but what the FUCK is going on?" Palmer asked, "Dodie calls me up at school, tells me I need to come home because a man I've never met is making breakfast in our kitchen while you've holed yourself up in the bathroom and Aunt Emily, of all people for some reason, is here. Mom what is-" "I am so happy he's dead," Regina said quietly, "your father, I mean. I'm happy he's dead, and it's taken me so long to admit that. I wasn't happy. We weren't happy. We were still cordial towards one another, but neither one of us wanted to be together anymore. In fact, I think the only reason we ever were together was to have you girls, and that was it. And that's fine. That makes me happy. My life would be nothing without you and your sister, but divorce would've been painful, and one of us would've taken the blame, and that wouldn't be fair to you girls. But death? That's unavoidable? That's life itself making a decision. Can't blame me for that." "...mom..." "I'm glad he's dead. I didn't have to choose and now I can move on. Adam is great. Your sister loves him, and I...I think I do too, honestly," Regina said, "So much of this past year has been about reassessing our lives, ourselves, and choosing who we want around us and I just can't help but want to do the same that you're doing. You know who you are now, and I wanna do the same." Palmer leaned over and hugged her mom, patting her on the back. She'd never expected this sort of admittance from her mother, but it really did put a lot of things in perspective, especially about her father. After the hug, Regina pulled away and wiped her face with a hand towel. "I'll be out in a bit, just...just make sure things stay okay out there, alright?" she asked. "Okay," Palmer said. Palmer exited the bathroom and headed back down the hall. She found Adam still in the kitchen behind the stove, while Dodie and Sarah continued to color. She looked around and noticed the back door was open. Palmer headed into the backyard and found Aunt Emily sitting on a piece of lawn furniture, lighting up yet another cigarette. Palmer sat down nearby and Aunt Emily smiled at her. "Adam told me to take it outside," she said, "I like him, he's a cool guy." "He really is, actually," Palmer said, "Why are you here?" "Because my brother's not, and now it's safe to see you guys again," Emily said, "...my brother was...frustrating, to put it politely. He didn't want anyone intruding on his family, so I think to see his wife with another man is pretty god damn satisfying to say the least." "How long are you staying?" Palmer asked. "As long as I want, or as long as you guys will let me," Emily said, shrugging, "Not like I have much to return to." A moment passed. "I'm glad you're here," Palmer said, making Aunt Emily smile. "Thanks, it's good to see you all grown up." The door slid open again and Adam peeked out, holding a lunchbox. "Is this Dodie's?" he asked, "I was gonna clean it for the upcoming school week cause it's got a funky smell in it, but there's no name in it. It just says 'Doodlebug' on it. I'm assuming it's hers?" "Yeah," Palmer said, just as Aunt Emily said "No." The two stopped and looked at one another, Palmer furrowing her brow in confusion. "What?" she asked. "That's not your sisters. That's yours," Emily said, "I mean, maybe it wound up as your sisters hand me down, but I remember clearly from when you were in elementary school, that was yours during kindergarten. Doodlebug was what your father used to call you." Palmer couldn't breath. She couldn't believe what she was hearing. "Wh...what do...you...mean?" she asked, "How do you know that?" "Because I'm the one who helped him pick it out," Aunt Emily said, "and it's what he used to call me growing up." Palmer looked back at Adam, who merely shrugged, unaware of the severity of what was happening. Palmer felt like her entire worldview was collapsing. She was Doodlebug? This entire time? The lunchbox had been hers, and a hand me down to Dodie? Why didn't she remember this? How could she have blocked this out? She finally looked back at Aunt Emily, who smiled and blew smoke into the air. "What?" she asked, "You didn't know that?"
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Dodie hated the card wall with a passion unlike anything else.
The card wall was a space on the wall in her classroom where each kid had their own card, and whenever they were in trouble, or had a warning, they had to switch to a different color. Green meant you were a good student, while yellow indicated a warning, and red, of course, meant you'd gotten into some trouble. Dodie had never been anything but a green card, but that was no longer the case after today, and she wanted to do nothing else but run home and cry but she had to wait for her mom to come pick her up and talk with the teacher. Sitting in the hallway right outside the classroom, Dodie recognized her mothers jingling keyring instantly and looked up to see Regina approaching her. Regina knelt down in front of Dodie, reaching out and touching her face. "Are you okay?" she asked softly, "What happened?" "I don't know," Dodie muttered, "I got in trouble." The classroom door opened and Dodie's teacher, Ms. Spink, peaked outside and smiled upon seeing Regina. "Mrs. Hurks, please, come in," she said, stepping aside and allowing Regina to stand back up and enter the classroom, shutting the door behind them. Regina squeezed herself into one of the kids desk chairs and put her purse on the floor beside her while Ms. Spink walked back around to her seat behind her desk and pulled it out, sitting down in it. She glanced up at Regina and raised an eyebrow. "I feel like a giant," Regina said, making the both of them chuckle; she cupped her hands on the desktop and looked at Ms. Spink, asking, "So...what's the situation? Why have I been called in?" "Dodie's always been a great student," Ms. Spink said, "She's polite, she's studious, she's friendly, and as a result she's never once had to swap her card on the board. But after today..." "What happened today exactly?" Regina asked and Ms. Spink sighed, shaking her head. "I know it's been a hard few months for your family, given your husbands sudden death, and I know this has hit Dodie in particular extremely hard," Ms. Spink said, "but this afternoon, your daughter punched another girl in the mouth on the playground, and turmoil or otherwise, we simply cannot allow violence at the school of any kind from anyone." Regina didn't know what to say. Dodie had never once acted out or been remotely violent, and she was shocked to hear this. She didn't even know how to respond. In fact, she was simultaneously mortified and surprised when she started laughing, not that Ms. Spink found it funny. *** "Boy you really like horses," Palmer said as she laid on Sarah's bed, the both of them looking up at the posters she had pinned to the ceiling. Sarah just shrugged and laughed. "It's an illness," she said, "I need a horserectomy." Palmer cracked up and then rolled onto her side, looking at Sarah as she reached over and put her fingers in Sarah's hair. Sarah blushed and rolled onto her side as well, facing Palmer. "I hope this okay, I'm really new to this dating stuff," Palmer said. "You didn't date in high school?" "I went on one date and it was for a friend because he didn't have one to a party," Palmer said, "Otherwise no, I stayed home, hung out with my sister, chilled in my room, whatever. I've never been too big into the whole social interaction thing." "It can be exhausting, you're not wrong," Sarah said, "but I think you're doing okay." "...does your family care at all?" "What, about being queer? No," Sarah said, "They've known longer than I have I think. If anything, I think they're relieved, I think they were getting worried at one point that I was gonna be the sole lonely cat lady of the family. Well, horse lady, but you get the point." Palmer chuckled and rolled back onto her back, looking back up at the ceiling, surprised when Sarah suddenly mounted her, sitting on her and looking down at her. Sarah bit her lip, grinning, before leaning down and kissing Palmer, who happily kissed her back. "I'm sorry I'm so awkward," Palmer whispered after, "it's been a strange year." "I understand." "I'll be okay with being more public with things once my father's been gone a while longer, but...I just...I don't wanna put too much change on my mother as it is, you know?" "I get it, it's cool, you don't have to explain yourself to me," Sarah said, leaning back in, kissing her again, letting her lips trail up Palmers neck to her ear where she whispered quietly, "I like you with or without the explanations." Palmer had never felt so appreciative of another person. *** Regina was driving home, Dodie in the backseat, after the meeting. All she could think back to was the moment she lost her cool in the classroom, and how awkward she felt. She sighed, rubbed her forehead and then pulled over to the side of the road, near a fast food place. "Why are we stopping?" Dodie asked, pulling her headphones off cautiously. "Doodlebug, I need to ask you something," Regina said, turning around in her seat, "...why did you hit that girl?" Dodie shrugged. "No," Regina said, "no, that's not an answer. Ms. Spink says it was because of something she said, so what did she say? What did she say that was so awful that made you feel the only course of action was to physically punish her for her words?" Dodie sighed, rolling her head as she looked out the window. "...she said dad died to get away from us, because we're losers," she finally said. "...Dodie," Regina said, reaching back towards her, putting her hand on Dodie's leg, adding, "I just...I want you to know how proud I am of you for standing up for yourself and your father and...and even though I am proud, what you did wasn't okay in the grounds of being at school and cannot happen again, understand? Yes, you should never let someone be that cruel to you, but you should also never physically attack them when they do so." Dodie and her mother locked eyes and Dodie slowly nodded. Regina patted her daughters leg, turned back around to face the windshield and smiled. "Let's go get some ice cream," Regina said. *** Palmer, true to her word, had never been in a relationship. Much like she'd never had sex before that time a few weeks prior, she'd also never dated someone regularly. It wasn't that she didn't have crushes or romantic inclinations, it was also that she just, as she had flat out said to Sarah, didn't have much interest in social interest with her peers. Even now, in college with Arthur and Anita, she always felt like the odd one out, much as she did appreciate their friendship. But sitting here at the dinner table, with Sarah and Sarah's family, Palmer couldn't help but feel that sense of warmth that came from being with people who loved one another. A feeling she hadn't felt in ages, long before her father died. Last time she'd felt this was maybe when she was in 6th grade. As Sarah's mom, Roberta, piled more broccoli onto Palmers plate, Palmer thanked her politely before putting her napkin on her lap. "How's your mother doing?" Sarah's father, Allen, asked. "She's actually doing alright, it seems, all things considered," Palmer said, "My sister, I think, is the one being hit the hardest." "How are you handling it?" Roberta asked, seating herself beside Allen and digging into her food. "...I...I don't know, nobody's ever really asked me," Palmer said, "I guess I'm...angry? I'm not sad, and I feel bad for being sad, but I'm just not. Dad and I had a weird relationship, especially the older I got, so I think that sadness gave way to anger and resentment, you know? So now I'm mad, both that he's gone and that I'll never get the chance to fix things with him." "That makes perfect sense," Allen said, wiping his mouth with his napkin and nodding, "It's understandable for some people to get lost in the shuffle when something like this happens, so I'm not surprised you're not being asked. My father had a heart attack when I was in my third year of college, and, same as you, we had a complicated relationship and I didn't even attend his funeral as a result. People were outraged, but I did what was best for me." Palmer smiled. She appreciated Allen's kindness and understanding. "You girls have any plans for tonight after dinner?" Robert asked, spearing a piece of chicken with her fork and raising it to her mouth. "I was gonna take her to The Hidden Library," Sarah said. "Where's that?" Palmer asked. "Well, telling you wouldn't make it hidden now would it?" Sarah replied, all of them laughing. Oh yes, it wasn't her family, but Palmer felt more accepted here than she did at home these days, and that was something she desperately needed and was eternally grateful for. Indeed, after dinner had finished, the girls got their jackets and Sarah drove them to a place called The Hidden Library, and, much to Palmer's surprise, it wasn't just a cute name, it actually was a library and it actually was hidden. The Hidden Library was put behind an old record store right next to a park, and tucked away in the very back of the shopping complex with trees hanging over it. They parked and walked across the lot into the building. "This place is so cute, I've never even noticed it," Palmer said. "Most people haven't, which is weird cause it's been here forever," Sarah said, "Like, the only reason my mom knew about it and showed it to me was because she worked here as a teenager in high school. It's always been special to me, but now you're special to me, so I wanted to show it to you." Palmer blushed, but tried to hide it, which only made Sarah giggle harder. Palmer was not used to being treated so well by someone, and certainly not used to accepting compliments. They kept walking through, simply perusing with their eyes. "It's really quiet and cozy in here," Palmer finally said, and Sarah nodded. "It is. It's one of the few places besides the stables that I feel completely at ease within," Sarah said, taking one of Palmer's hands and adding, "Come on, I'll show you where they keep the horse books." Palmer had never really been on a date, but as far as first dates went, she figured this was pretty darn good. *** "You laughed?" Adam asked, "I'm sorry, you laughed at her? What could've possibly possessed you to do such a thing? Here she is telling you your child has violently struck another child, and your first inclination is to laugh? God you're sick, and that's why I like you." Regina smirked as she paced in the living room, wine glass in hand while Adam sat on the couch, sipping his own wine. Regina tossed her hair and shook her head. "It just happened, I can't explain it," she said, "part of it was just general nervousness, you know what that's like, right? Where you just..your body has a bizarre adverse reaction to something you can't control? That's what this was. But..." "But the other part?" Adam said, and Regina bit her lip. *** "What happened today exactly?" Regina asked and Ms. Spink sighed, shaking her head. "I know it's been a hard few months for your family, given your husbands sudden death, and I know this has hit Dodie in particular extremely hard," Ms. Spink said, "but this afternoon, your daughter punched another girl in the mouth on the playground, and turmoil or otherwise, we simply cannot allow violence at the school of any kind from anyone." Regina didn't know what to say. Dodie had never once acted out or been remotely violent, and she was shocked to hear this. She didn't even know how to respond. In fact, she was simultaneously mortified and surprised when she started laughing, not that Ms. Spink found it funny. "Do you find this funny?" Ms. Spink asked, and Regina shook her head. "No, no I'm...god, I'm sorry, I just...I guess when your family falls apart, you start to have trouble caring about what other places worry about. I mean, my daughter lost her dad, my daughter was in a horrible car accident and somehow survived and now feels guilty that her dad was the one who died, and you're calling me in - me, someone who lost my husband of many years - to inform me that my daughter, probably justified in doing so, hit another girl in the mouth and I'm supposed to care? I know it's wrong, I know I'm supposed to care, but...I have a fridge full of leftovers from well meaning neighbors and friends and two daughters who are struggling to survive day to day life. I am alone, now on a somewhat fixed income, and will soon have to find work to support us because I guarantee what my husband left behind and what the insurance will pay out will not be enough forever, and you expect me to care about a playground spat?" Ms. Spink's eyes widened. She was surprised at Regina's lack of professionalism, especially when she'd always come off as professional in the past. "Well, considering it's against school policy, yes I think that-" "Policy bullshit my ass," Regina said, standing up, "You know what should be against life policy? Taking apart a family and then expecting them to still maintain a facade of 'everything is fine' for the rest of the world. My family is broken, and the school expects us to react accordingly? I know what she did is wrong, I understand that and yes, it should never happen again, but that doesn't mean I'm going to treat it with the upmost seriousness when right now the true seriousness of my situation revolves around the death of my longtime husband and my daughters father. I have been putting up with so much bullshit from various institutions, from insurance companies to now schools, that I've just about had my goddamn fill of it. I'll tell her she wasn't in the right to do it, obviously, but I'm not gonna make her feel bad about defending herself. I refuse to breed fear of defense into my child because a school says I should. You'd think, being a teacher, you would understand that." And Regina turned and rushed out of the room, slamming the door behind her. She leaned against the wall, covering her face with her hands, trying not to cry. She finally opened her eyes, pulled her hands away and looked towards the chair where Dodie was seated, and smiled. "Am I in trouble?" Dodie asked. "Sweetheart, we're all in trouble," Regina said, taking her by the hand and leading her to the parking lot. |