Adam was lying in bed, staring at the ceiling, unable to sleep. All he could see when he shut his eyes was that girl, the one with the gun, firing at Palmer. He hated that he couldn't get the sight out of his mind, even all these months later. Adam groaned, ran his hands down his face and sat up in bed, pulling his legs over the side of the bed and slipping his feet into his slippers before grabbing his cane and heading to the kitchen. Once there, he pulled the blackberry juice from the fridge, then went in search of a glass in the cabinet, but as he began to pull one down, he heard something loud that scared him so bad he dropped the glass. Suddenly, he looked up and saw Palmer coming out from the hallway.
"Sorry," she whispered, "I dropped the toilet lid." "...yeah, yeah, it's...it's okay, I'm okay," Adam said, "just sounded like..." "I know," Palmer said, "makes me jumpy too. I have...something that might help." Adam raised an eyebrow as Palmer held up a joint. A few minutes later, the two of them were sitting in the backyard, sharing it. As Adam took a long drag and handed it back to Palmer, he couldn't help but laugh a bit while he coughed. "I never would've taken you for a pothead," he said. "Oh, I'm not," Palmer said, "in fact the only reason I even have this is because Sarah says it's good for dulling pain, so that's why I've been using it lately. Honestly, I could care less about smoking. It doesn't offer me anything besides a dull in pain at the moment. Exact reason I don't drink. Cause, like, why? What do I gain from it? A headache and bad decisions? Yeah, sounds real useful." Adam smiled and patted her on the back, "You're a good kid. I've felt so anxious lately at everything, it seems like. Like anything could hurt me at any given moment. I guess that's what being in a sudden violent situation does to a persons pysche. Still, sucks. Wish I could get back to pre-gunned-down brain. I hate the way I'm currently thinking." Palmer nodded and they sat there in silence, passing the joint back and forth. Palmer hadn't really admitted it, but...she liked Adam a lot, especially as a replacement father (even if he wasn't much older than her). Then again...it turned out she had a father in actuality, which was something not only she was having trouble accepting it, but was something that Dodie couldn't process at all. *** Dodie was sitting in the sandbox in the office as Dr. Burrows sat in a chair across from her, just watching. Watching what, though, she wasn't sure. Dodie wasn't playing with anything. She was just sitting there, her feet and hands buried in the sand, staring off into space. Dr. Burrows tapped her pen rythmically on the clipboard and exhaled, looking at her watch on her wrist. "Why does she get a dad?" Dodie asked quietly, "...that isn't fair. I know he saved her life, but it isn't fair that she gets one and I get...Adam." "I thought you liked Adam," Dr. Burrows said, folding her legs. "I do!" Dodie said, "but...it isn't the same. He's not my dad. He's just a guy who's gonna be a dad to me. And if we don't have the same dad...are we even sisters? Do I even have a sister anymore? How come I keep losing family members?" Dr. Burrows wanted to say something, but she didn't know what. The grief and loss Dodie (and her family, respectively) had endured in the last year or so was, in her professional opinion, completely fucked up and unacceptable, and now Dodie seemed like she didn't even know if she had a proper family anymore. Dodie picked up a small, plastic horse and made it walk through the sand while she spoke. "You know, Dodie, in a way, you're kind of lucky. You get a blank slate to create something from. You asked me in a past session who you are, well, I think this is a good start to decide that. Decide who you are, and who you want to be. I won't lie to you, kid, this situation sucks and you should never have to go through it, but it does give you the unique opportunity to decide who you are and who really matters to you." Dodie wiped her eyes on her sweater sleeve and looked back at the sand, her other hand still gripping the horse tightly. "What if I don't want anyone or like anyone I could be?" Dodie asked, "what if I wanna be with my dad?" This scared Dr. Burrows. Dodie had never once, before now, made a statement about wanting to be dead, and this deeply concerned her. Dr. Burrows climbed off the chair and sat in the sandbox opposite Dodie, causing Dodie to look up at her in surprise. "Dodie," Dr. Burrows said, "when you're little, your perception of time is warped because all you know is the brief time you've been alive. It's like watching a clock and it takes forever to move one hour. As you get older, because you've lived longer, time movies faster. Suddenly that clock that took forever to move one hour now moves 5 hours in thirty seconds. There's so much time left for you to experience better things. This has just been a brief blip in your entire life, and I'm not saying that like it doesn't matter, because it does. Your pain is very much real. But you also need to know that there's so much more life to feel less pain. You don't really want to be with your dad, do you?" Dodie waited a moment, looked at the sand and shook her head. "Who do you wanna be with?" Dr. Burrows asked. "...my sister." *** Palmer and Ansel were sitting on the patio of a restaurant downtown, each equally nervous and unsure how to act. Palmer had never had a father - after a certain point - who wanted to interact with her, and Ansel had never had to be a father, so he wasn't sure how to do it now, especially to a damn near adult woman. Palmer lifted her drink to her lips and sipped nervously as Ansel unfolded his utensils from their napkin. "So," Ansel said, "um...how...how are you?" "I'm doing surprisingly well for someone who got shot," Palmer said, "but hey, scars are cool, right?" "That's...heh, that is correct," Ansel said, chuckling, "uh...are you in pain? Do they have you on any medication?" "I'm in a little bit of pain, but it'll pass and it isn't constant," Palmer said, "they have me on a light painkiller, but I won't be taking it much longer. I'll be okay, but thank you for your concern." "Hey, you got some of my blood in there, I have to protect my investment," Ansel said, chuckling some more as Palmer genuinely laughed, which eased Ansel's nerves. A waitress came and set their food down in front of them before taking Palmers glass for a refill. Palmer started to eat her fish as Ansel cut his sandwich in half and asked, "so when do you go back to school?" "Well," Palmer said, "right now they have me on academic leave, which is nice. I guess there are perks to being nearly fatally shot. But I'll probably have to go back in the next week or so if I don't wanna fall too far behind. Though, truth be told, after everything that's happened...I kind of don't wanna go back to college. I mean, this whole thing happened because of someone from college." "Yeah, you knew the shooter didn't you?" Ansel asked. "Yep, she was in my book club," Palmer said, "I try not to think about her too much." "Sorry, sorry, I'll drop it," Ansel said, "I don't want to make you think about anything that might be uncomfortable." "Frankly," Palmer said, chewing some fish, "I'm more worried about the effect it's had on everyone else moreso than me. I mean, it sucked but I survived. I'm here. I'll be okay. But my mom, Adam, my sister...those are the people I'm really worried about." And she should be. She knew Adam was now a nervous wreck, but she didn't know how deeply Dodie was struggling with purpose and identity while her mother...her mother was grappling with something else entirely. "Hey, kiddo," Ansel said, "don't worry too much about your mother. I know her. She's a tough woman." *** Regina was sitting in her laundry room, leaning against the washing machine and crying. She had her face pressed into a small blanket, now soaked in her tears, her knuckles white from gripping it so tightly. The door opened and Emily slowly slinked inside, shutting the door behind her. Regina looked up momentarily before burying her face once more. Emily sat down beside Regina and sighed. "Seems to be a lot of this going around lately," Emily said, "this whole irreconcilable sadness...is that a baby blanket?" "It's Palmers," Regina said, choking up, pulling the blanket a bit aways from her and looking at it, "it was what she had in her crib for the first two years. My mom made it for her. It was the last thing she did before she died. I just...I hold this and I keep thinking about what might things be like right now if Adam hadn't been there, or Ansel hadn't agreed to help or-" "Reggie," Emily said, grabbing her wrist, "Reg, hey, don't let those questions sink you, okay? Because they don't matter. Adam was there, and Ansel did help. That's what matters, alright? It does nobody any good to dwell on the worst possibilities especially since they aren't coming true after the fact." Regina nodded, wiping her eyes on her sleeve and exhaling slowly. "It's just so scary," Regina said, "my whole family seems to have a target on them. Whos' next, you know? What happens after this?" "Things get better," Emily said, "that's what happens after this. A car accident and a public shooting? Yeah, don't think you'll be touched by anything worse than that for a while. I think it's safe to say that, for the time being, you'll be alright. They'll be alright." Regina looked at Emily, her eyes red from crying, and Emily couldn't help but feel bad for her. Here was a woman who had been stuck with an abusive husband, a husband who had denied their first daughter a father simply because he wasn't her father, and then, just when luck hits and he dies suddenly, it seemed like things only got worse somehow. Regina leaned into Emily and rested her head on her shoulder, hugging the blanket to her chest tightly. "You're a pretty good sister in law," Regina said. "I do my best," Emily said, "Couldn't be a good sister, so I try to make up for it in other areas." "Nah, you were a good sister," Regina said, shutting her eyes, "he didn't know what he was missing." Emily wouldn't admit it, but that made her want to cry. Instead, she sweetly held Regina's hand and squeezed gently. *** Palmer was sitting in the backyard, texting Sarah, while listening to music. She heard the glass door slide open and shut, and saw Dodie come out onto the patio with her and sit down on the ground by her, hugging her knees to her chest. Palmer removed one of her earbuds and let it dangle down her neck as she set her phone down on the old iron outdoor table. "You okay?" Palmer asked. "I had therapy today," Dodie said, "therapy sucks. All it does is make you feel bad." Palmer laughed loudly, nodding. "We are not in disagreement there," she said, "but, it's a good thing. You have to feel bad in order to feel better, you know? It's good to recognize what hurts so that we can make it stop hurting. What exactly did you talk about today?" "You," Dodie said, which caught Palmer's attention; Dodie continued, looking at her feet and not her sister, "cause it feels like we're not even sisters now. Now we're just people who grew up in the same house. That sucks. I don't wanna feel like that. I want a sister. Not a...a roommate." Palmer climbed off the chair she was sitting in and sat beside Dodie, in the same position, the both of them looking off at the backyard instead of eachother. Palmer didn't know what to say. She didn't want to invalidate the things Dodie was feeling, as, frankly, she wasn't wrong. But at the same time, she wanted to reassure her little sister that they were still, in fact, sisters despite all that changes that had occurred. Palmer exhaled and blew her long blonde hair from her face. "We still have the same mom," Palmer said, "we still share DNA. Just because our dads are different doesn't change anything. I'll certainly never change the way I see us. You'll always be my sister." "Things change too much," Dodie said, "and way too fast." "Yeah," Palmer said, nodding, "yeah, they do. And that sucks. But, like, some of that change has been good, right? Like Adam? Adam's a good change. I was unsure for a bit, but...but the guy put his life on the line to save mine. If that doesn't make him worth his salt, then nothing does. Mom deserves someone who cares that much, not just about her but also about her kids." "Do you think you'll be like your dad and I'll be like dad?" Dodie asked, "do you think that we'll be like Emily and dad were? Where we'll hate one another?" "Absolutely not," Palmer said, putting her arms around her sister and pulling her close, "no, and you're not like dad, trust me. Dad didn't care if people were drifting apart. Dad willingly left people. You're not dad, Dodie, and you never will be, okay?" Dodie nodded, smiling a little as she nestled herself into her sisters chest. They sat there in the early evening sky, just listening to the soft music coming from Palmer's headphones, and thinking about their family. Palmer knew Dodie was having a hard time, and she was going to dedicate herself to being a better sister, being around for her more, no matter what it took. She even was seriously contemplating dropping out of college for a bit, but she knew her mother would have a fit if she did, even if it would be understandable given all that had happened recently. "Dad was never really much of a dad, was he?" Dodie asked, "he didn't do dad stuff, even with me." "No, he wasn't," Palmer replied, "he acted like he was, but he wasn't. To be honest, I'm not even really sure why he wanted kids in the first place." "Maybe dad just liked to control people," Dodie said, surprising Palmer with this insight, as she added, "but he wasn't really a 'dad' dad." "Well, aren't we lucky that we have a guy who is then," Palmer said, and Dodie smiled. "Yeah, we are," she said. The door slid open again and Adam joined them, standing beside the girls as he unscrewed the top to his soda. "What are we talking about?" Adam asked, taking a drink. "You, actually," Palmer said. "Nothing bad I hope," Adam said. "No," Dodie said, beaming, "nothing bad at all."
0 Comments
Ansel Whitaker was sitting in his apartment, pouring himself some more iced tea, when the phone rang. He groaned, set the bottle down and picked up the phone, lifting the receiver to his head. He took a long sip of his drink, cleared his throat and spoke.
"Hello, this is Ansel Whitaker," he said, before grinning, "Reggie? How are you...whoa, hey, calm...holy god, okay, yeah I'll...I'll be...are you sure you want to do this? Okay, I'll be right there. Goodbye." Ansel stood up, grabbed his coat off the rack near the wall, shoved his keys in his pocket and opened the front door, only to have his wife, Morgan, enter from the kitchen, wiping her hands on a small towel, her brow furrowed in confusion. "Where are you going, I thought we had plans," she said. "I have an emergency, I have to go to the hospital," Ansel said. "What? Are you okay?" "I'm fine," Ansel said, nodding, "...it's my daughter." *** "You have to be fucking kidding me," Emily said, sitting with Regina in the hallway, her mouth agape. "I assure you I am not fucking kidding you," Regina said, sniffling, pushing some of her shortish hair back behind her ear, "it...it was not something I meant to happen, and-" "Not something you meant to happen? An affair doesn't just happen? Car accidents happen. An affair you have to put effort into," Emily said, both half chuckling due to nerves as she continued, "not that I'm gonna shame you for it, lord knows my brother was awful, but...how...how did this happen and how did he find out?" "It was when Palmer was about 7 that he found out," Regina said, exhaling, finally happy to get this long kept secret off her chest and out into the open; she continued, "and, frankly, it was my fault. She got sick, very sick, at school one afternoon and when they called looking for her father, and he informed them he was, they informed him he wasn't, and from there he started to distance himself from her. It was some stupid intern, not an actual doctor, but still. The beans were spilled. That's why he always loved Dodie so much, because he knew Dodie was his. We were having problems when we were first trying to get pregnant, and I was already seeing what a jerk he could be, but we were just recently married and I was young and I didn't want to admit to making such a mistake right out the gate, you know how it goes." "No, I'm gay, I don't," Emily said, smirking, reaching out and putting her hand on Reggie's thigh, "but it's okay. She has a dad, and he's gonna come and he's gonna give her blood and everything will be fine." Regina nodded, and then wiped her face on her sleeve before starting to cry. Emily leaned in and wrapped her arms around her sister in law, squeezing her tight, letting her cry against her as she stroked her hair. "What about Adam?" Regina asked quietly, "what do I do about Adam?" Emily, sadly, didn't have an answer for that. *** Adam's eyes fluttered open, and he glanced around the room, his eyes darting back and forth before he finally felt a hand touch his arm and he flinched, recoiling in fear instinctively, before he noticed it was just Dodie. He relaxed, breathed a sigh of relief, and smiled as Dodie climbed up onto the hospital bed with him. "Does it hurt?" she asked. "I got shot, of course it hurts," Adam said, "...it must not have been that bad though." "No, the doctor said it went right through you, didn't hit anything, was all muscle," Dodie said, "must be because you work out so much." "It's from lifting all those groceries," Adam said, "who needs to go to the gym when you can just lift paper bags full of food, right?" Dodie giggled, and Adam reached out, taking her hand. Dodie's face contorted, and she collapsed onto him, sobbing. Adam rubbed her back gently, reassuring her, but she wouldn't stop crying. Her voice was muffled, but he could still make out the words, despite her mouth being pressed against fabric. "I thought you were gonna die," she said, "and you can't die, you promised me you wouldn't die." "Well, I think I held up my end of that promise," Adam said weakly, "I'm still here, aren't I?" Dodie finally got herself under control and pulled away a little, sitting crossed legged on the bed and playing with her hands as she spoke, afraid to look Adam in the eye because she thought it might make her weep again. Adam shifted in the bed, trying to sit up a little. "...you saved my sister," she whispered, "you saved everyone. You're a hero now." "I wouldn't call myself a hero," Adam replied, laughing weakly, "but...someone had to do something, and...and none of my other cashiers were going to, and...I couldn't let Palmer get shot. You girls have had a rough year, and I just...you didn't deserve more death in your family, Dods." "Our family," Dodie said, correcting him, his brow raising in surprise. "Our family?" he asked, repeating it. "Mhm," Dodie said, "you're a part of the family. This is our family. Especially if you're going to marry mom, then you're actually part of the family. I was never scared of you replacing dad. I was just afraid of you leaving like he did." Adam smiled and reached out, waiting for Dodie to take his hand. She did, after a moment of hesitancy, and he squeezed it gently. Dodie then crawled up beside him, lying down, and resting her head on his chest. Adam winced a bit, but soldiered through it and, using his other hand, pulled her close in, kissing her head. Dodie shut her eyes and cuddled up to him, relaxing. As she rested on him, Adam stared up at the ceiling and thought about the event he'd just survived, and his thoughts turned to Palmer. He thought she must be okay, if Dodie was claiming he'd saved her, and yet he had no way of knowing. His eyes watered, and he bit his lips to fight back the tears, but it did no good. He was scared that Palmer was gone, and he had no way to disprove this thought. Instead, he refocused his attention to what he did currently have, one stepdaughter who was thrilled he was here. And for a little bit, that managed to quell the fear in his heart. *** "I can't believe what I'm hearing," Emily said, she and Reggie standing outside, a bit aways from the hospital so they could smoke. Reggie hadn't smoked in years, but after the recent events, she figured it'd help relieve some stress. Emily shook her head and exhaled, as she watched Regina take a long drag; Emily scratched her nose and continued, "this is...I mean it's unreal to think that he's not her father." "He hated me for it, and he hated her even more, because he didn't see any of himself in her, just me. A traitor. He was such a narcissist, he could only love something if he saw himself in it. No way to empathize with anything or anyone that didn't remotely represent him," Regina said, grimacing before she looked at Emily and said quietly, "...sorry, I know he was your brother, I just-" "You don't have to apologize, lord knows he never did," Emily said, adjusting the brim of her black sunhat and looking up, past Regina, as a man approached them from the nearby parking lot. Well dressed, in a light colored jacket and a baseball cap on his head, he stopped as he reached the women, and Reggie slowly turned to face him, smiling weakly. "I thought you quit," Ansel said. "Well, I've whittled it down to only doing it in extreme circumstances, and there's nothing more extreme than your daughter and boyfriend being shot, so," Reggie said, "...it's good to see you, Ansel." Ansel and Reggie leaned in, hugging one another tightly, warmly. Despite not having seen one another for years - in fact only have very minimal contact since the truth of Palmer's paternity came to light to Michael - they still clearly were fond of one another, and Emily was happy to see that Reggie wasn't as lost as she'd always assumed she'd been. After the hug broke, Reggie wiped her eyes on her sleeve and looked down at her shoes as Ansel chuckled. "Wish this reunion could've happened under a better situation, but alas," Ansel said, "...how bad is it?" "Bad enough that she needs blood," Reggie said, gently chewing her lip, trying not to cry. Ansel put his hand on her shoulder and looked at her comfortingly, patting her. "It'll be alright, she's gonna be okay," he said, "When I heard Michael died, I wanted to reach out, but...I don't know...it felt...wrong somehow. Despite the fact we have a child together, interacting just felt oddly predatory, which is weird considering I'm a married man and you and I have no romantic interest in one another." Ansel and Regina stopped and look at one anothers eyes, before glancing nervously behind Reggie towards Emily, still leaning against the tree they'd been smoking beneath as she waved politely at Ansel before blowing smoke into the air. "How did this even happen?" Ansel asked. "There was a shooting," Reggie said quietly, "she was at a grocery store to get a cake for something, but someone brought a rifle into the store. From what her friend Sarah, who was there with her, told me...it...it was a girl they knew. Someone from their book club. The thought of anyone doing this sort of thing, let alone to someone they considered a friend...it's just despicable to me." Ansel pulled Reggie back into him, rubbing her back, as he shook his head. "I always wanted to be here for her," he whispered, "...just not for something like this." *** Palmer finally woke up a few days later, and the first thing she did was look weakly around the room. It was empty, and she couldn't figure out exactly where she was at first but after a few moments she realized, based on her immediate surroundings, that she was at the hospital. She groaned and tried to sit up, only to have the door open and look to see Sarah coming rushing in. Without even thinking twice, Sarah threw her arms around Palmer, squeezing her tightly. Palmer could feel Sarah's tears hitting her bare shoulders in her hospital gown, and she reached up with what little energy she had to stroke her hair. "...I was so scared you weren't going to wake up," Sarah whispered, "I was...I was so scared you were gone." "I'm not," Palmer croaked, her voice rough and her throat sore. After a moment of hugging and soft crying, Sarah pulled away and wiped her face on her shoulder, shaking her head, her hands still on Palmer's arms. Palmer looked at her quizically, and Sarah sighed. "This was always my biggest fear," Sarah said, "that...that someone would use what I am against me. Okay, it didn't happen to me directly, but I was adjacent to it because we're together, and...and the last thing I ever wanted was to get someone I love hurt because they love me. I'm so sorry, and-" "This wasn't your fault," Palmer said, reaching up and touching Sarah's face, smiling weakly, "this...nobody could've predicted she would've reacted the way she did. If there's one thing I've learned so far this year, it's that, like...you can never predict how people will react to a situation, especially when they're emotionally involved. I don't want you to ever feel like you caused this somehow, okay?" Palmer put her palms on Sarah's face, and Sarah smiled, nodding slowly, before leaning in and kissing her just as the door to the hospital room opened, and Regina entered, before pausing momentarily. After a second of processing what she'd just seen, she smiled and continued to come into the room, sitting in a chair by the bed. "You're awake," she said, before looking at Sarah and asking, "does she seem lucid to you?" "She seems very lucid, considering the shock and amount of drugs they probably have her on," Sarah said. "Am I on drugs?" Palmer asked. "You don't have to pretend, it's okay, druggie," Sarah said, stroking Palmer's head, making her and Regina laugh. After a moment, Sarah excused herself, and now it was just Regina and Palmer in the room. Palmer looked at her hands sitting in her lap, as Regina smirked and reached out, putting her hand on her daughters leg, causing Palmer to turn and look at her mother. "You know it's okay to be who you are, right?" Regina asked, and Palmer nodded as she continued, "because I don't care. If Sarah makes you happy, then that's what I want for you. You're my child, and all I want is for you to be happy, regardless of who it is you love or who loves you, okay?" "We were gonna buy a cake," Palmer said softly, "we were gonna buy a cake, and bring it to the house, and just...have a little coming out party and tell everyone, but then..." Regina climbed onto the bed and pulled her daughter into her chest, squeezing her tight, repeatedly kissing her head. "You're okay, you're safe now," she whispered, "we don't need to dwell on it." "No, but we do," Palmer said through tears, "we do need to dwell on it, because who I am almost got me killed, and now I'm wondering if it's worth it, because-" "Don't ever think it isn't," Regina said, pulling herself away for a second, brushing Palmer's bangs from her eyes and looking her in the eyes, "I know it isn't up to me to tell you how to deal with your life, your identity, but Palmer, it's always worth it to be yourself, regardless of the danger that comes with it, because to deny yourself, well, yourself, is only means you're giving into the fear that others want to instill in you. By being yourself, you're defying that, taking that power away from them. This was something your father gave in to, and it cost him a lot." "...dad hid something about himself?" Palmer asked, and Regina sighed. "...Palmer," she said, "We need to have a discussion about where your blood donation came from." Palmer looked at her mom with widening eyes, until the door to the room opened again, and Ansel slowly came in. "...who...who are you?" Palmer asked, as Ansel approached the bed and waved meekly at her. "Hiya, Doodlebug," he said. *** "I'm pregnant," Regina said, standing in a stunned Ansel's doorway, his spoon to his cereal hanging from his mouth, bowl in his hand. He stepped aside and let Regina shuffle inside his little apartment. As she tossed her purse onto the couch and looked around at his studio, she smiled to herself before turning to face him again and adding, "still living like a starving artist I see." "I'm not starving, I have cereal," Ansel said, holding up his bowl, making her laugh, before he asked, "so...you're pregnant?" "We used protection, I...I can't imagine how this-" "Protection isn't always going to protect you, everything has a fail rate Reg," Ansel said, and Regina nodded, leaning against the wall, folding her arms. "What do we do?" she asked quietly. "Well your husband has to believe it's his," Ansel said. "Not a problem, we have sex enough for him to not be suspicious," she replied. "Then just have the baby," Ansel said, "and we'll just...stop seeing one another." And that's exactly what they did, and it killed them both inside. It wasn't that they had a lot of love for one another - if anything their relationship was born out of pain, Regina due to her marriage and Ansel due to his longtime girlfriend leaving him - and that trauma bonding had brought them together to create a child. But once Palmer was born, they decided not to speak again, because it'd just be too painful. That being said, once year, for Halloween, Regina sent Ansel a letter and a photo, discussing in depth her deteriorating marriage and, in the photo, was Palmer, then 5, in her Halloween costume, and for a moment, Ansel thought about everything he'd given up. He didn't love Regina, nor did Regina love him, but he loved his daughter, and he always regretted never being able to be there for her. Sometimes, in the early mornings, Ansel would get himself a cup of coffee from a local place near the elementary school and then he would park across the street and wait, leaning against his car. He didn't care about the looks he got, justifiably so as it was strange for a grown man without a kid to be watching an elementary school, all he cared about was seeing his daughter. And then he'd see her. She'd be skipping down the sidewalk, holding Michael's hand, and they'd stop at the gate. He could hear them easily, thanks to there being no early morning traffic. The mantra she and Michael recited in unison still burned in his head years later. "I am special, I am smart, and I have the biggest heart! I give kisses, I give hugs, I am daddy's Doodlebug!" And he'd watch his daughter go inside the school, before climbing back into his car and driving away, crying, the Halloween photo - the only picture he had of her - tucked into his dashboard. He hadn't been there for her when he should've, and instead she got a father who eventually hated her for not being his own. He hadn't been there for her when the family was hit with a crisis, and she was left with lingering questions about why her own father hated her. He hadn't been there for her when she began to wonder about her sexuality, lost her virginity to a boy who didn't care about her, and instead took up with her little sisters riding teacher. He hadn't been there when she'd gotten lost in the woods during a storm, or when she'd been shot in a grocery store. But in the end, Ansel Whitaker was there when it mattered the most. He was there to give his own flesh and blood his flesh and blood. And that alone made him a better father than Michael Hurks had ever been. And he intended to make good on that. "Hold it steady," Arnold said, standing behind Elise as she stood, rifle shakily in her hands, aiming down sights at a nearby bird perched in a tree. She could feel her fathers presence, even though he was standing a few feet away, not touching her at all. Arnold always had a rather overwhelming presence, and it was one of the things she hated about him. Elise took a long breath, blinked a few times and then felt her finger gently squeeze the trigger. A pop. The bird fell. Elise felt a rush of adrenaline she'd never felt before, and she grinned, turning to face her father who looked proud as hell. Arnold reached out and put his hand on her shoulder, patting it.
"Nice shot, kiddo," he said, "very very nice. You have much better aim than I did at your age. Let's go collect 'em." "Is there a reason you're teaching me to use guns?" Elise asked as they started to walk towards the tree. "Well," Arnold said, scratching his cheek, "For one you're a woman. The world is going to hate you regardless of how you act or who you wind up being. Powerful, disempowered, either way you're going to never be enough for someone, and people may want to hurt you. It's my job, as your parent, to teach you not to let them do that." As they reached the tree, Arnold knelt down and picked up the bird by the neck, admiring it. "Nice clean shot, right through," he said, "that was instant death, they didn't suffer. But don't take the wrong message away here, alright? This is for protection, or for hunting. Those are the only times guns are justifiable. Never use one without reasonable cause." Elise nodded, smiling at her father and her kill. "You promise?" Arnold asked. "I promise," she said excitedly. And she'd keep that promise. Until the day she was scorned. *** Palmer was sitting in front of her vanity, putting on makeup, while Sarah came back into the bedroom from the bathroom, having showered and wearing just her underwear. As she stopped behind Palmer, she leaned down and kissed her on the cheek, making Palmer blush. Sarah patted her on the shoulders and then headed to her bags, where she kept a change of clothes. While Sarah dressed, Palmer continued looking at herself in the mirror, before stopping applying blush and sighing. "...I think...I think I wanna tell my mom," Palmer said, making Sarah turn around as she tugged her shirt down. "Tell her what?" "About us. We told my friends, but I think it's time everyone knew, and my mom and I are close, and I want her to understand me, even if she likely already kinda knows, I want it to be clear," Palmer said, turning around in the chair to face Sarah, who happily sat on her lap and kissed her. "You're just so eager to show me off, aren't you?" Sarah asked, making Palmer giggle and blush. "My life has, uh...been full of abandonment. I never really had friends growing up, my dad stopped loving me and then died abruptly, and...and then I really got to know you, and you not only are here but you WANT to be here, with me, specifically. Nobody's ever wanted to be with me. Seems like everyone's always run away from me. So yeah, I do wanna show how much I appreciate you." Sarah smiled and rested her forehead on Palmer's, hands on her shoulders. "You're so damn cute and sappy," Sarah said, chuckling, "if that's what you want, then we'll make a thing of it, yeah? We'll get a cake and everything." Palmer turned back around and continued applying makeup while Sarah finished getting dressed. As Palmer started to do her eyes, she found them wandering in the mirror reflection to watch Sarah and she blushed again. How had she gotten so lucky? Not only was it her first relationship, but it was also the healthiest relationship she'd had of any in her life, aside from the one she had with her sister. So many people struggled to find that someone to love them, and she'd gone through a rough patch, sure, but she'd gotten something so good in the end. So why didn't it feel like she deserved it? "What kind of cake do you think matches our announcement?" Sarah asked. "Um," Palmer said, smacking her lips, "...well, for being queer we're pretty boring, so how about vanilla?" Sarah threw her head back and cackled as she sat on the bed, pulling her boots up while Palmer went back to her makeup, smirking. She loved making Sarah loved. She longed to hear that sound. All her life Palmer had doubted every aspect of herself; her sense of humor, her appearance, her worth. Sarah had quelled all of that, and now instead of a stormy sea, she was a tranquil lake. And she never wanted to lose that. *** Adam couldn't wait to get off work. He had planned a special night for himself and Regina, the last before she was going to start working a lot again, and he was so excited to see her. Not only that, but they had a lot of things to discuss, especially now in light of the proposal, like letting his apartment go and moving in with her and the logistics of married life in general. But that being said, none of it made him nervous in the slightest. If anything, Adam had never felt more confident. As he finished the last customer in his line, he checked his watch, his nails tapping nervously on the cash register. Soon. Soon enough he could go home. Just then he noticed Palmer and Sarah approaching, holding hands. Sarah quickly let go and headed off in another direction as Palmer approached the register, Adam smiling at her. "Hey kid," he said, "you here for something specific, or?" "Where are the cakes?" Palmer asked. "They are," Adam said, turning and pointing back to their right, "allll the way back there, and are kinda stuffed near the bread, for some reason. I guess cause it's all bakery to them. Why, is it someones birthday?" "Kinda," Palmer said, smiling, shrugging as she headed off, waving bye to Adam. Palmer found Sarah in the bakery department already, looking at a loaf of Hawaiian bread. Palmer rested her chin on Sarah's shoulder, making her smile at her before plopping the loaf back on the shelf and, hand in hand, they continued towards the area with the cakes and other various sweets. Unbeknownst to them, at the front of the store, Elise had entered. She had a guitar case strapped to her back and was looking anxiously. Adam, who had answered the phone at his register to speak to his manager, noticed her immediately - after all, it wasn't often people came in wearing instrument cases - but then refocused his attention on the phone, leaving Elise to her peace. She headed through the aisles, looking up and down each one, before finally spying Palmer and Sarah near the bakery. Elise stopped dead in her tracks and exhaled. She took the guitar case from her back, slung it around to the front and, kneeling, unzipped it. She reached within, her hands gripping around the cold metal of the rifle, and knew what she was about to do would change her life. *** Emily was sitting at the kitchen table, smoking, reading through a magazine while Reggie stood at the counter, chopping meat for dinner. Emily glanced over and tapped her cigarette into the ashtray before popping it back between her lips. After a moment of realizing she was being looked at, Regina put her knife down and looked back at Emily. "What?" Reggie asked. "What are you making?" Emily asked. "I am making Palmer's favorite dinner," Regina said, "she called me this morning, said she wanted to have a special dinner, and is bringing a cake, and asked for this specifically, so I'm going to make it. If she spent the time to drive all the way back down here just for this, it must be important, and the least I can do is make her her favorite dinner to ease the tension." Emily leaned back in her chair, taking a long drag. "Why do you think there's gonna be tension?" she asked. "Because she said she wanted to tell us all something," Regina said, "and the tension I'm trying to cut down is hers, not mine. The last thing she should feel when doing something like this is-" "Mom," Dodie said as she entered the house, backpack still on, Emily and Regina surprised to see her as she came into the kitchen, Nona by her side. "What...what are you doing home?" Regina asked, wiping her hands on a hand towel on the counter before coming around and kneeling in front of the girls, asking, "did you walk home together?" "Mhm," Dodie said, "Nona can't go home yet, so I said she could come here. They let us out early cause something's going on at the grocery store up the street." Regina and Emily exchanged a glance, before Emily stood up and walked briskly to the living room, grabbing the remote control from the side table and flipping the television on, immediately changing channels until she landed on a local news network that was currently covering the situation. "and it's unclear exactly what the woman inside wants," the reporter said, standing in the grocery store parking lot, "but whatever it is, we've heard at least two shots fired from, what we assume, is a high powered rifle. Right now no casualities have been announced, but stay with us and we'll-" "That's Sarah's car," Dodie said, pointing at the screen, causing enormous unease to fill the room, as Regina and Emily exchanged a nervous look. "So much for easing the tension, eh?" Emily asked. *** Elise had gathered almost everyone at the back of the store, in the bakery department, except for some of the cashiers who had stayed behind at their posts, hiding. As she stalked the aisles, threatening to shoot anyone who moved, Palmer honestly couldn't believe what she was seeing. Elise - in her loose dirt brown skirt, her button down shirt that was misbuttoned at the top and her dark green army jacket - finally turned to look back at the crowd, and her eyes met with Palmers. "Why are you doing this?" Palmer asked quietly, "Can I help you somehow?" "You already helped me, and it made my life more miserable," Elise said, stuttering, "you...you should've let me jump. I would've been happier than I was afterwards." Palmer had a feeling why Elise was doing this, she didn't actually require an answer, but she felt like the longer she kept her engaged and distracted, the more of a chance they all stood at making it out of this bakery department alive. As Elise walked a bit away, just enough to be out of earshot, Sarah leaned into Palmer, squeezing her hand tightly and whispered. "What do we do?" she asked, her eyes darting back and forth between Elise and Palmer; she continued, "I mean...do you have any ideas of how to handle this? You're the one who knows her." "Only barely," Palmer replied, looking at Sarah, "like, and not even that much then. She's in my bookclub. We haven't hung out much beyond that. And the only reason I stopped her from jumping from the bell tower was because it was the right thing to do. It's not my fault she's taking that as some weird sign from above that I have feelings for her." "Nobody is saying it's your fault," Sarah said, "but you're the only one here with experience interacting with her. You're our best shot at talking her down. You did it once, you can do it again." Palmer stared at Sarah, somewhat surprised at this. "You want me to put myself in harms way?" Palmer asked and Sarah groaned, shaking her head. "No, no of course not," Sarah said, pulling Palmers hand to hers and kissing it softly, "Never. I'm just...I'm scared." "I know," Palmer replied quietly, "I know, me too. We all are." "Hey, stop talking!" Elise shouted as she came stomping back, aiming the rifle at Sarah, "I'm a very good shot, and I won't miss if I decide I want to hurt you, so be quiet. Just sit there and-" "Elise," Palmer said, causing Elise to look at her, her eyes clearly wet with tears, "...you don't have to do this. If you feel like you're not being heard, I assure you, I'm hearing you. We can get you help. I'll help you find somebody. I'm still gonna be your friend. Nothing you've done yet is irredeemable, okay? You haven't hurt anyone. We can turn this around, and it can work in your favor. Just put the rifle down." Elise sniffled and wiped her eyes on her arm, her voice low and shaky. "...you don't know what it's like, to go your whole life being ignored, only to have the one person who ever seemingly saw you not want you in the same way you want them," she mumbled. "I do know what it's like, actually, that's the thing. My father hated me. He treated me like garbage. So yeah, I do know what it's like to be ignored. And I ignored myself for so long as a result, because I figured, well, if he didn't want to know me, why should I bother knowing me? So I stayed on the straight and narrow, but the thing about the straight and narrow is there's no room for exploration," Palmer said, slowly standing up and approaching Elise, "there's no...there's no fun to be had. That sort of thing can only come from the beaten path. The unexplored trails. Those are the places you need to travel. That's why I recently discovered, and I'll help you discover it too, if you want." Elise finally smiled, albeit weakly, and nodded, before looking back at Sarah, the look on her face souring almost instantly again. Elise backed away from Palmer and raised the rifle again. "You already got me to stop doing what was right once, I won't let you do it again," she said. "You think this is what's right?" Palmer asked, "really? You jumping to your death, that's only affecting you, but shooting someone? That's affecting the person you shoot, everyone who loves them, and more. You're going to justify that as what's right?" Elise backed further away, almost as if she were trying to escape slowly without losing her sights on her target. Palmer, however, stayed where she was, hands slightly raised to show submission. "I'm sorry," Palmer finally said, "I'm sorry that...that you thought there might be something there wasn't, it was never my intention to hurt you. I just didn't want you to hurt yourself." "Well, I think we're well past that," Elise said, "and if I'm gonna hurt, why should I be the only one." Suddenly, and without warning, Adam came bounding over the donut display case behind Elise, causing her to turn on her heel in shock as he wrapped himself around her and took her to the floor, the rifle falling and going off, everyone around them screaming. As Adam wrestled with Elise to keep her to the ground, he suddenly felt something hard pressing into his side and his eyes widened as she grinned. Another shot. Adam was quickly rolled off her, lying on his back, as Elise grabbed her rifle and looked around. She then turned and raced towards the front of the grocery, only to immediately be apprehended once outside. She was in cuffs within seconds, and placed in the back of a car, as paramedics rushed inside. Sarah knelt over Palmer, running her hands through her hair and stroking her face, crying. "You're okay, you're gonna get help, they're already here and the hospital isn't far away," Sarah said, trying not to outright sob and instead stay brave, "you're gonna be okay, okay?" "Don't...leave..." Palmer whispered as they loaded her up on a gurney. "Don't leave you?" Sarah asked, standing with them. "Don't...leave...him," Palmer said, weakly, pointing at Adam on the floor who was motionless, surrounded by a pool of blood. Sarah nodded, then directed the next group of paramedics to Adam. The whole ordeal lasted maybe 5 minutes before they were both in the back of the ambulance, on their way to the same hospital. Lying there on their respective gurneys, feeling the road bump beneath the tires of the ambulance, Palmer reached out and took Adam's hand. He was unconscious, and she could feel herself slipping away. And then everything was quiet. *** Dodie was sick of hospitals. Sitting beside her aunt Emily and Nona, she couldn't help but feel as if she spent the majority of her time inside various medical facilities of one kind or another lately. Regina, pacing in front of them, her eyes red from crying, finally sighed and looked at Emily, who was doing a crossword in a small book. Emily looked up at Regina and raised an eyebrow. "Yes?" she asked. "Do you have change? I wanna make a call," Regina said, and Emily started digging through her purse to find some change. Just as she did, a doctor approached from behind, coming from down the hall, stopping at Regina who turned to face him; she eyed him momentarily before asking softly, "is she...is my daughter..." "She's lost quite a bit of blood," he said, "normally this wouldn't be an issue, because we'd just ask the parent to donate, but for some reason, you're not a match and considering her father died recently, we're unsure where to turn. We want to ask if you'd be okay if she got donated blood. Now obviously there's risks involved in this, but-" "Don't do anything, I know who can help," Regina said, taking Emily's change and walking off. "Where are you going?" the doctor asked after her. "To make a phone call," Regina replied. She headed up a flight of stairs, ensuring she had true privacy, and then pumped the quarters into the phone. She exhaled, picked up the receiver and dialed. She never wanted to do this. She never wanted to complicate things further. But she also never expected her daughter to get shot, so desperate times call for desperate measures. A few rings. She groaned. What if they weren't home? Finally on the fifth ring, they answered. "It's Reggie," Regina said, "um...Palmer's been shot. I need you to come down here and give blood. Please. Okay, thank you, I'll meet you at the front." She hung up and exhaled, brushing her hair from her eyes before noticing Emily standing behind her. "...did you just leave the girls alone?" Regina asked. "They have a doctor," Emily replied, "...who was that?" No answer. "Reggie, who did you just call?" Emily asked again, and Regina chuckled, mostly out of nervousness. "...her father," she answered. And for what felt like the millionth time in the past year, the Hurks girls lives were about to drastically change again. If there was one thing Regina Hurks had never expected to do, it was get married again.
In fact, she hadn't even really anticipated it the first time, truth be told. Her whole life, growing up, she never once dreamt of her wedding or fantasized about her future husband, like all her friends had. But now, standing in the nearby woods in an oversized sweater as the cool wind nipped at her face, watching Adam pace through the bushes and past the trees, searching up and down in every direction, Regina couldn't help but recognize the difference between Adam and Michael. She'd married Michael because everyone expected her to. She was going to marry Adam because she wanted to. And if that wasn't love, then fuck, what was? *** EARLIER THAT DAY Palmer was lying on the bed in her underwear, watching Sarah get dressed on Palmer's deskchair. As Sarah hopped up and tugged her jeans up over her hips, she noticed Palmer watching her and she smiled, winking at her, making Palmer laugh. Palmer sat up and crawled to the end of the bed, as Sarah walked towards it. Palmer put her hands on Sarah's hips and pressed her lips against her tummy, kissing it as Sarah stroked her hair. "You're so affectionate in the morning," Sarah said softly, "it's so cute." "...maybe you don't have to leave," Palmer whispered, "maybe you can stay and we can all go out for breakfast." "You want me to stay?" Sarah asked, as Palmer nodded, glancing up at her. "Yeah, and you, me, Arthur and Anita could go out to breakfast and, ya know, not be so private," Palmer said, "I think I'm ready. After what happened with Dodie...I think I do want to start coming out to everyone; family, friends, everybody." Sarah smiled and nodded, kissing the top of Palmer's head and making her blush. Sarah had had a few girlfriends here and there, but never anything serious, and certainly never anything where her respective partner would alter everyones perception of her just for the clarity of their relationship. That made Sarah feel extremely special, like she was actually deserving of Palmer's adoration. Sarah said she was going to run down the street and get some coffee, and that they would call the others when she got back so they could all meet at a diner and have breakfast. Watching Sarah leave her room, Palmer laid back down on the bed and stretched, yawning, before rolling onto her side and reaching for the landline beside the bed on the floor and picking it up, dialing. A few rings, and then Aunt Emily answered. "Hi Aunt Emily," Palmer said, "Um...I need to talk to you about something kind of serious. About me. And coming out." *** Regina sighed as she sat herself down on the couch in the living room, the lights all dimmed and the TV on mute. Adam quickly showed up to her side with a plate of breakfast for her, along with a mug of coffee, which she happily took, thanking him. Adam then seated himself beside her, watching her eat, just admiring her every movement. After a few minutes, Regina glanced towards him and smirked, raising an eyebrow. "That's kinda spooky," she said, "you just gonna watch me eat?" "Basically," Adam said, reaching out and petting some hair, pushing it back behind her ear and smiling, "I like these small moments. These just...quiet moments where it's just you and me, and I get to watch you do mundane shit. That's when you're at your most beautiful, when you think nobody is looking." Regina bit her lip to keep herself from happy crying. She still, even after all this time, hadn't gotten used to Adam's genuine sweetness. He was always complimenting her, doing things for her, and she always felt like she didn't deserve them because she'd spent so long with a man who had convinced her - through his lack of actions - that she didn't deserve it. Regina shut her eyes as Adam ran his hand down your cheek and then further, down her neck and letting it rest on her shoulder. "Hey," Adam said quietly, "let's have dinner tonight, okay? Just the two of us. We can get pizza for Dodie and she can invite her friend and they can hang out and have fun while you and I just have a romantic dinner. I'll cook everything, too. I just want to do something special." "We just did something special," Regina said, snickering, eating her hashbrown, "like, we just went on a little getaway and everything." "Yeah but that was so easy, all we did was make a reservation and drive there. I want to do this," Adam said, taking Regina's hand - the one holding her mug of coffee - by the wrist and lifting it to his lips, smooching it gently, making her blush again. She nodded, understanding, and he leaned in and kissed her on the cheek. As she watched Adam climb off the couch and head back to the kitchen, she really couldn't help but feel like she'd won some kind of lottery. Seemed like all her friends who'd never gotten married or had gotten divorced still couldn't find a nice guy to be with, and sure he was almost half her age, but...something about Adam made Regina feel like she was in her twenties again. She loved him. And after tonights dinner, she'd love him even more. Just then, Dodie dawdled into the living room from the hall, still in her pajamas and rubbing her eyes. It was the weekend, after all, so she'd slept in. After her recent outdoor ordeals and therapy with her sister, Dodie had become extra tired, it seemed, so when she needed the rest, Regina let her have it. Dodie climbed onto the couch beside her mother, who gave her her other hashbrown, which Dodie took happily and began munching on, resting her head on her mothers arm, pulling her knees to her chest while she ate. Michael used to have a rule about not having feet on the couch, but who the hell cared? Why police comfort? That was how Regina saw it, anyway. So Michaels rule died with him. After a short time, Adam returned to the living room with a whole breakfast just for Dodie, and then sat down beside her, Dodie squished between Adam and her mother, and happily eating away at her breakfast. This was what family was supposed to be, she thought. This was what she had missed out on, and now she was getting it, and she couldn't be happier. If only Palmer could've had the same thing at her age. Palmer had lost her adolescence to isolation, and Dodie felt so bad about that, but she'd feel bad about it later. Right now she had hashbrowns. Right now she had family. *** "So you're treating us to breakfast?" Arthur asked, and Palmer shook her head, jerking her thumb at Sarah, sitting beside her in the booth. "No, she's treating us to breakfast. I'm in college, what makes you think I have money?" Palmer replied, everyone laughing. Arthur and Anita were sitting opposite Palmer and Sarah in a small, nearby local diner that the college kids often frequented. They chatted and ordered, Sarah and Palmer splitting a platter, while Anita and Arthur each got their own plate. As they waited for their meals to be made and brought out, Palmer cleared her throat, took a long sigh and tossed her hair, blushing when she felt Sarah running her fingers through it behind her. "So, I actually do have an ulterior motive for asking you guys to have breakfast," Palmer said, "cause you guys are my friends and I'm sick of keeping things from you, and from myself too. Anita, do you remember when you dragged me to that party?" "Uh, vaguely," Anita said, "I attend so many that it's hard to keep track of them all." "Miss popularity over here," Arthur said, cutting into his eggs as Anita smacked him in the back of the head, making him laugh. "Anyway, so, at that party I started talking to this guy," Palmer said, starting to sound nervous, but that nervousness immediately melted the moment she felt Sarah's hand flat on her back; she calmed herself and, after taking a few breaths, continued, "we eventually went back to the dorm and...well, you know where that story always ends. Anyway, after that I...I realized that it felt wrong, and not just because it was my first time and your first time is always awkward, but because I..." Why was this so hard? Palmer glanced at Sarah, who just smiled warmly at her, her hand running up and down her back. At the sight of her smile, Palmer felt herself grow calmer, like no matter what words came out, it would all be okay. Palmer exhaled and nodded, shut her eyes and then looked back at her friends. "Because I realized after that that I actually wasn't-" And just then Elise was standing at the side of the table, clutching her books to her chest, smiling at the group. "Oh, hey!" Anita said, scooting further down the booth, forcing Arthur to move down as well, so Elisa could sit down with them. "What's going on?" Elisa asked, pushing her glasses up her nose. "Um, I was in the middle of...of saying that, uh," Palmer continued, struggling again, "that after that night I realized what I really wanted wasn't what I'd gotten, and the reason it felt so uncomfortable was because...well, to put it vaguely, Sarah and I have been seeing one another for a good while now, if that helps clarify anything." Arthur nodded, still eating, as Anita reached across the table and high fived Palmer and Sarah. "Girl, you got nothing to be afraid of, most of the girls on my track team are either bisexual or outright queer, so no shame or judgment on my end, that's for sure," Anita said. "Yeah Palmer, we're friends, you know I'm not gonna dislike you for what makes you happy, cause as your friend I wanna see you happy, and after the year you've had, lord knows you deserve it," Arthur said. Palmer couldn't feel more delighted. This was the response she'd hoped for, and the one she'd expected as well, considering she didn't think her friends were bigots by any means. Still, the nervousness and anxiety of admitting it to them had made her conjur up some ridiculous scenarios in which they hated her as a result. Palmer then looked towards Elise, who was no longer smiling, and instead looking down at the table. "Are you alright?" Anita asked, elbowing Elise gently. "I..I thought..." Elisa stuttered, before looking up, her eyes catching Palmers, before climbing out of the booth hastily and racing towards the door. Nobody knew it at the moment...but they'd lit a fuse. *** "It was nice of your mom and Adam to let me come over and order us pizza!" Nona said, biting into another slice as she and Dodie sat on the floor of Dodie's bedroom. Dodie nodded, picking up another piece for herself and biting into it as well. It wasn't often that they ordered in, and even less often that Dodie got her own entire entree to herself, so this certainly seemed like a special occasion. "I think pizza might be the best food ever," Dodie said, "it's got everything you need. It has bread and meat and cheese and vegetables. It's like they took the food pyramid and put it onto a pyramid!" Nona and Dodie laughed at this analogy, and Dodie realized she hadn't had this much fun in a while, and never before with a real friend. She then felt a twinge of resentment at herself for not having spent more time with Nona lately, but between therapy and whatnot, life had simply been too hectic for friendship. At least they had tonight, she thought. "Did they give you anymore cheese packets?" Nona asked, looking around. "I..don't think so, I think we used them," Dodie said, "but I can go to the kitchen and get more! I'll be right back!" Dodie hopped up, wiped her hands on her shorts and headed out into the hallway. As she walked down the hall towards the kitchen, she could hear her mother and Adam talking quietly. It sounded liker her mother was crying. Dodie stopped and leaned against the wall, listening closely, careful not to make a sound. "It's just that every day I want to wake up and make your day better," Adam said, "that's all I wanna do. I mean I have my own ambitions, but my priorities lean heavily in your favor, and a lot of those ambitions are not only things I'd like to achieve but also like to achieve so I can give you more as well as a result. I understand if the age gap is too much, or if-" "It's not," Regina replied, "it's not at all. You make me so happy, you make me feel beautiful and you make me realize how much time I spent on a man who didn't do either of those things, and how much I enjoy it now that I've experienced the opposite side of the spectrum. So yes, my answer is yes, I'll marry you." Dodie froze in place. She quickly reached into the nearby hall closet, grabbed her favorite large coat, pulled it on over herself and raced past them and out the front door. Adam quickly rose from the table, spinning around, confused at the blur that was Dodie. He chased after her, but she was already long gone in the darkness by the time he got outside. He could hear her footsteps, however, leading to the nearby woods, and knew where she'd go. Adam quickly came back inside, explained what was happening, and before long, he and came back in, explained to Regina where he was going, and together they took off into the night. Therapy was helping, it was true, but Dodie still had a ways to go it seemed. *** "That was weird, right? Elise?" Palmer asked as she sat on the bed and pulled her boots off while Sarah took her jewelry off in front of the vanity; Palmer continued, "like...she just took off. She didn't even respond. Makes me feel like maybe she was offended or something." "She does come off as somewhat conservative," Sarah said, shrugging as she turned around in the chair and looked at Palmer, "but whatever, it's her loss if she doesn't want to come to book club or be friends with you anymore. You have such nice legs." "Oh is that a fact?" Palmer asked, raising her legs up and waving them at Sarah, who laughed. Just then there was a knock at the door, and Palmer excused herself, going to answer it. As she headed into the living area of the dorm and tugged the front door open, she was surprised to find, of all people, Elise standing there, her eyes red and her hair messy. "Hi, hello," Elise said weakly, not looking Palmer in the face, "I'm sorry about earlier. That was probably rude of me." "Listen, if my sexuality makes you uncomfortable, you don't have to-" "No! No it isn't that at all!" Elise said, wiping her nose on her sweater, "no, um...actually quite the opposite. When you came up to the belltower to tell me not to jump, it was...it was like the first time I'd ever been seen by someone else in my life and I felt really special. Felt like my space in the world was finally recognized, if that makes sense? My whole life it feels like everyone's looked right through me, but now someone saw me, and it felt good." "Well good! That's what friends are supposed to do for one another!" Palmer said brightly, grinning, folding her arms and leaning against the door. "Yeah, but...but I didn't wanna be friends," Elise said, "I wanted...oh god this is so embarrassing. I didn't know you were...but I am....and I...I had fantasized about asking you...and..." "Oh," Palmer said, genuinely surprised, "oh, I'm...I'm sorry, I had no idea. I'm flattered, I am, you're very smart and sweet, so it's nice to hear that someone like you would be interested in me, but, uh...hah...obviously I'm taken. But, you know, if I weren't I wouldn't say 'no', so that has to count for something right?" Elise smiled weakly and nodded, before quietly apologizing and starting to back away. As she headed down the hall she turned back around when she heard another voice at the door, only to see - as it was being closed shut - Sarah approaching and kissing Palmer before pulling her back into the dorm. Elise's blood boiled, her brow furrowed in rage, and her teeth gritted. Elise walked across the campus, got to her own dorm and then slammed the door to her bedroom shut. She wanted to cry, she wanted to scream. All her life she'd waited to be seen. Now she was seen and it was by someone she couldn't even be with. She knew what she had to do. *** If there was one thing Regina Hurks had never expected to do, it was get married again. In fact, she hadn't even really anticipated it the first time, truth be told. Her whole life, growing up, she never once dreamt of her wedding or fantasized about her future husband, like all her friends had. But now, standing in the nearby woods in an oversized sweater as the cool wind nipped at her face, watching Adam pace through the bushes and past the trees, searching up and down in every direction, Regina couldn't help but recognize the difference between Adam and Michael. She'd married Michael because everyone expected her to. She was going to marry Adam because she wanted to. And if that wasn't love, then fuck, what was? "I wish I could do more for her," Reggie finally said, sounding exasperated, "...I feel like I work too much, and then instead of talking to her myself, I did what most parents do, and instead schlepped her off onto some therapist instead of being a mom and taking the effort to hear her. Now look at how she feels. It's no wonder she'd run." Adam stood up from his knelt position, flashlight in his hand, and turned to face Regina. "She's not running because of you," Adam said, "she's running because of me. She doesn't want someone to replace her father. Even in recognizing how awful he might've actually been, it's still weird to have someone replace him. Maybe it's too soon. Maybe we should wait." "I waited long enough to be happy and loved in a way that made me feel good," Regina said, approaching Adam, putt her hands over his shoulders and leaning on her toes, kissing him, adding quietly, "I'm not gonna wait anymore." Adam smiled, kissed her back, and nodded, understanding. "Listen, take your flashlight and head back to the house, we can't leave a child there unattended. I'll continue to look for Dodie and if I'm not back in a half hour, we'll call the cops, okay?" Adam said, and Regina agreed. She walked off, disappearing into the dark sky, leaving Adam alone now. He put his hands on his hips and exhaled, before turning and heading through some brush, and entering a small clearing. He walked for a little while more, before hearing some sticks rustling overhead, and shone his light upwards, only to grin as he saw Dodie sitting in a tree, her face buried in her arms. Adam put the flashlight between his teeth and started his ascent towards her. Once in the tree himself, he scooched right up beside her and sighed. "I know it's weird," he said, "having some new random guy come in and play dad. I know that...that despite it all, you loved your father, and that even in light of how well we get along, I'm NOT your father, but Dodie, I just wanna make your mom happy, and she deserves that, and I wanna give you the best childhood that I can as well and-" "It's not about you replacing him," Dodie whispered, catching Adam off guard. "Well," he asked, now confused, half laughing nervously as he replied, "if it's not about that, then what is it about?" Dodie shifted her face away, glancing at Adam, their eyes locking before she sighed. "...what if you die too?" she asked. "...Dods, I'm...I'm not going anywhere," Adam said, "I mean, I'm healthy, I'm young, I'm not-" "So was dad," Dodie said, sniffling, wiping her nose on her sweater sleeve, trying not to cry, "he didn't get sick, it was an accident, which means it could happen to anyone. Even you. And I don't want you to die, Adam. I don't want the same thing to happen to you just because you're with me." That was the moment Adam realized that whatever Dodie was struggling with went far beyond grief or loss or regular mourning. From her words, and the context, she sounded like she felt cursed, and had somehow contributed to her fathers death merely by being with him at the time of it. Adam shook his head, his short curly black hair swaying as he reached over and put an arm around Dodie, pulling her closer to him in the tree. She didn't hesitate at all, and instead nestled up right beside him. "People often try to deny the reality of life to children, and a lot of times they either come out ill-equipped to deal with it as a result. But sometimes, Dodie, sometimes a child goes through something so traumatic that it fundamentally rewires their brain. When I was 12, my mother was shot. She was just...randomly gunned down in a grocery store parking lot. And the only reason I think it happened was because I wasn't with her at the moment. I'd stopped at the front of the store to buy some temporary tattoos and candy. In that one moment, that one...brief...moment that I wasn't at her side, she was taken away. These things happen regardless of your placement, is what I'm trying to say. You were with your father and it happened, I was not with my mother and it happened. The proximity isn't the reason. They just happen. But the thing is, these things - while certainly life altering - also give the survivors the ability to see life for what it is. Fleeting and...cruel and...something you have to fight to have happiness in. Do you understand?" Dodie looked up at him and nodded slowly, surprised to hear him speak about himself so openly. Adam continued. "I blamed myself, for a long long time. Is it only natural for a man who lost his parent to fall in love with a woman who's lost her husband? Maybe. Maybe what happened to me in adolescence makes me the ideal candidate in adulthood for her. But Dodie, it wasn't your fault. It wasn't." Dodie and Adam locked eyes, and she nodded slowly before burying her face in his side. Adam smiled, kissed the top of her head and rubbed her back. "Come on kiddo, your mom's gonna be worried," he said, "Let's get you back, the pizza's probably cold." "That reminds me, Nona wanted more cheese packets," Dodie said as they started to climb down the tree together, making Adam laugh as they did. "Well, I can't do much, but I can do that," Adam remarked. Once on the ground, Adam lifted Dodie onto his shoulders and together they headed back to the house. Adam had made a promise, a promise that he wouldn't go away like her father had. And in just under 24 hours that promise would be tested. Palmer woke up, smelling coffee, and smiled. She loved waking up to the smell of coffee, something she'd rarely drank before meeting Sarah. As she rolled over onto her back and looked up at the ceiling overhead, noticing the poster of a famous pop star from the early 2000s, she chuckled to herself. She'd forgotten that she had spent the night in Sarah's bed, and she loved being reminded. The bedroom door opened and Sarah walked in, still in her pajamas, handing Palmer a mug as Palmer sat up, graciously taking it and thanking her before lifting it to her lips and sipping gingerly. Sarah seated herself on the bed, cross legged, drinking from her own mug.
"So," Sarah said, "we need to talk about, ya know...the woods." "Yeah, I figured," Palmer said, "...I told Dodie everything that afternoon while we were waiting for you." "Yeah, I know, because she's talked to me about it since then," Sarah said, licking the aftertaste of coffee from her lips, "and that's good, she should know. She shouldn't be kept in the dark any longer about anything. But the real question is...do you wanna tell everyone else? I'll support whatever you decide, I just wanna know. Like, I know how scary it can be to come out, so if you're not ready yet then-" "I think...I think I am," Palmer said quietly, tapping her nails on her mug, "that's the crazy thing, I think I AM ready. I mean...I think my mom knows, but I want it to be out in the open, you know? I spent so long believing something totally untrue about myself, and I'm so happy now, and I want others to feel that happiness." Sarah smiled, nodding, before leaning in and kissing Palmer. "You're so cute when you're excited," she said softly. Just then an alarm went off somewhere in the room. Palmer looked around, then her eyes widened. She quickly handed Sarah her mug, now empty, and rolled over to the edge of the bed, reaching out in her pile of clothes on the floor by the bed, finally finding her digital watch and realizing she was going to be late. She got up, quickly dressed and apologized for having to leave so suddenly, saying she would be back as soon as she could. She just had to do one thing today. Therapy with her little sister. *** Dodie was already in Dr. Mariel Burrows office, sitting in the sandbox as usual, as she waited for her sister to arrive. It was only a few minutes after the appointment was supposed to start, but she couldn't help but feel it was ridiculous that Palmer couldn't even show up on time just once for her. Dodie continued digging into the sandbox, just enjoying the feeling of the texture on her fingers. When she looked up she saw Mariel smiling down at her, and she smiled back weakly. "What?" Dodie asked. "You really like to dig I've noticed," Dr. Mariel said. "Does that mean something? You're a therapist, right? Everything is supposed to mean something isn't it?" Dodie asked, causing Dr. Mariel to chuckle and shrug. "Sometimes just digging is just digging," she replied. Just then the door swung open and Palmer entered, apologizing profusely as she shut the door behind her. She pulled her jacket off and seated herself in a chair, watching her sister dig as Dodie seemed to ignore her presence entirely. After a moment of watching her, Palmer finally lifted her eyes to meet Dr. Mariels, and they smiled at one another, acknowledging themselves. "Hello Palmer," Dr. Mariel said, "thank you so much for coming in. I know this is, perhaps, a little awkward for you but I and Dodie both appreciate it." "Where were you?" Dodie asked, finally turning around in the sand on her knees and facing Palmer. "Um, I was with Sarah," Palmer said, "I slept in a little, I'm sorry." "It's okay, I was just curious," Dodie said, shrugging, before standing up, wiping her hands off on her dress and sitting down on the couch opposite Palmers chair. Dr. Mariel then crossed her legs and exhaled. She knew she had a lot that she had to say. "Palmer, Dodie told me about this last excursion you had with her, in the woods," Dr. Mariel said, "and I just want to say how good a sister you are to brave the elements and risk yourself to find her. That being said, Dodie also told me what you told her, about your relationship with her trainer, and so I'd like congratulate you on finding yourself because so many never do, and then sharing that part of yourself with your sister so she would understand." Palmer nodded, feeling somewhat uncomfortable. "Am I just here to be praised?" Palmer asked, laughing nervously. "Absolutely not," Dr. Mariel said, "no, you're here because Dodie wanted to ask you a question, and she wanted me to mediate." This got Palmer's attention, and she looked at her little sister, who was looking down at her shoes. Palmer suddenly felt something in her guts, and didn't like the look of where this was headed. Dodie wiped her nose on her sleeve and sighed, kicking her feet gently against the couch. "Um..." Dodie said, "I don't care about who you love, I'm happy that you're happy with yourself, but...why did it have to be Sarah?" A hush fell over the room, and Palmer crooked her head, confused. "Because..." Dodie continued, "because she was mine." And now Palmer got it. Dodie was experiencing the sensation of loss for a second time in recent memory, and she hated it. Palmer shut her eyes, trying not to cry. She hadn't even considered what this relationship might do to not just her family but her sister in particular. She'd always known Dodie and Sarah had been close as student and trainer, but when it came time to finally discover herself, she'd just picked the option that had made her question herself to begin with, without any thinking of the consequences of her actions. "So," Dodie asked again, "...why Sarah?" *** Emily found herself doing the families laundry more than she had originally expected, but considering they were allowing her to stay in the house as long as she wanted, she couldn't really complain. As she finished loading the machine, soap and all, and shut the lid she heard the door to the laundry room creak and turned to see Adam standing there, eating a sandwich he'd clearly bought at the store, still partially in its wrapping. "Reggie's not here," Emily said, starting the machine before turning to fully face him, leaning against the machine, "if she's who you're here to see." "I know she's not here," Adam said, "I just came by so I'd be here when she was. Trying to fulfill that whole 'partner at home' vibe for her since, ya know, her dead husband can't." "You're such a romantic," Emily said, pulling out her pack of smokes and lighting one, stuffing the rest of the pack back into her coat pocket; she leaned against the machine and started smoking, as Adam stood there in the doorway watching her. After a minute or two she asked, "you're not gonna tell her I smoked in the house, are you?" "So long as you don't tell her I bought an awful grocery store sandwich," Adam said. "Scouts honor," Emily replied, "you make food all the time, why didn't you just make a sandwich?" "Because I, contrary to popular belief, am lazier than I appear," Adam remarked, making her chuckle as he finished the sandwich and balled up the wrapper in his fist before jamming it into his back pants pocket and, arms now folded, asked, "so...can I ask you a question?" "I don't see why not," Emily said, taking another long drag. "What would you think if I were going to ask Regina to marry me?" Adam asked, "I'm just spitballin' ideas here, but...this weekend was a very good getaway, and...and it made me think about what I want from a future, and I decided I like what I have already, so why not make that my future, right?" Emily was speechless. She'd been completely caught off guard, and this was the last thing she'd ever expected Adam to ask her about. She took another few puffs from her cigarette before shaking her head and sighing. "She's not even my sister, but...if I had to pick between you or my brother to be with her, I think you're the far more preferable choice, and that's even if he were alive. I think the mere fact you even wanna ask me shows how considerate you are of how she'll react to it, because you don't wanna make her uncomfortable," Emily said, clearing her throat and coughing momentarily before continuing, "but...if you think the time is right, and you think you'd be happy with her and you think you make her happy, then I don't see why not. Have you ever been married?" "Nope," Adam said, smirking, running a hand through his short, messy black hair, "no, never even been in a really long term relationship before but...when you know you know, right? Isn't that what they say?" "That's what I hear," Emily said, "can't speak from my own experience." Adam nodded, the two of them smiling politely as he turned to leave and Emily turned back to the washing machine to fiddle with the dials. Suddenly Adam stopped, turned back and looked at her. Emily turned and glanced over her shoulder at him, a confused look playing on her face. "I'm sorry about your brother," Adam said, "I know you weren't on the best terms, but everyone around here has made it all about them and not about you at all, and I don't think that's fair, regardless of the relationships everyone had with him. He was family. I'm sorry things got so shitty and never got better." "...thank you," Emily said, genuinely touched, "you're a good man, Adam. Reggie could do worse." "Oh, rest assured, I'll prove that to her," Adam said, the both of them laughing as he exited. *** "How can I put this," Palmer said, smacking her lips and thinking, "um...so...these kinds of things aren't planned, you know? Like, she and I talked a lot whenever I visited, and then when she brought you all those horse toys she asked me out, I mean, plain and simple. She made the first move. That being said, that doesn't excuse the fact that I completely removed you from the equation and ignored your relationship with her and for that I'm sorry, but...Dodie...dad treated me like garbage most of my life." Dodie nodded. This was a fact, not an opinion, and even Dodie could see it plain as day when it was happening. Palmer continued. "And," she continued, "when I...well, when I realized that I didn't like what everyone expected me to, I just...I remembered her being very nice and asking me out and I guess I just decided to try it with her. It was sudden, sure, but it wasn't without its merit, it wasn't just because she happened to be there and also be like me. I didn't just choose the only immediately available option. I liked her. I liked talking to her. She's funny and she's smart and she's kind, and I love how she treats you. She's been so good for you, before and after dad. I guess all those contributing factors go into why I did what I did. But Dodie, I never wanted to take your friend away. I just...I couldn't help what I felt." Dodie nodded again, still not speaking. She believed her sister, she truly did. And she understood that people just kind of fell in love. Look at her mother and Adam, of all people. And yet she felt like the only thing left in this world that had been hers and hers alone had been taken from her, and she was angry. After a few moments of silence, Dodie looked up at Palmer and spoke. "...it just feels like you have friends and school and now Sarah, and mom has Adam, and...and I don't have anybody. Sarah was my person. Adam likes me, and we do things together, but it isn't the same. I'm mad at you, and I'm sorry, and I know I shouldn't be but I am." Palmer felt her heart break a little. She glanced across the room at Dr. Mariel, who merely shrugged, before she finally climbed off the chair and got on her knees in the sandbox by the couch. Palmer then reached out and took Dodie's hands, holding them gently, and the sisters looked into one anothers eyes. "She's not gone, Dod. She's still here. She'll always be your person. She's just my person too now, in a different way, but nobody is going to take away your friendship with her, okay? Least of all me, because I know how important she and horseback are to you," Palmer said, almost in tears, "but Dodie, I...I was lonely too. Yeah, I have friends at school, but it's not the same as it is with her. Dad loved you. He didn't love me. Mom loved me, but she was afraid to show it because it'd make dad mad. So I've gone most of my life feeling unloveable, unworthy of adoration, and...and I'm sorry but that just isn't fair. I want to be loved, and Sarah loves me." Dodie nodded. "You're right, it isn't fair," Dodie whispered, "I'm sorry daddy didn't love you. He should've. You're the best." Dodie leaned in and, pulling her hands from Palmers, hugged her big sister around the neck. Palmer, now crying, hugged Dodie in response, patting her back as she did. All in all, it turned out that therapy really was helpful. Who'd have guessed. In the end, Palmer called Adam and told him not to bother coming, and that she'd bring Dodie home, but first they were going to do something together. Something sisterly, whatever Dodie wanted. Their dad might've treated them unequally, but they refused to follow in that mindset. That's kind of the great thing about being around shitty adults, Palmer thought as they left the office and got into her car. You learn to be a better one by proxy when you reach that age. *** Palmer didn't even knock when she arrived back at Sarah's that night, she just walked right into the house as if she owned the place. Part of this was exhaustion, but part of it was the fact that she knew nobody but Sarah would be home. Her folks often had a little date they attended and it happened to be on this particular evening. As Palmer pulled off her leather jacket and put it on the coat rack by the door, heading up the stairs, running her hands through her hair and exhaling, all she could think of was wanting to take a shower. She finally reached the top of the stairs, which felt like climbing everest due to the emotional response that had been elicited by todays activities, and headed for Sarah's bedroom. She opened the door and then stopped in the doorway, because there, lying on the bed in lingerie with full garter belt and stockings, was Sarah. Palmer blushed and put a hand over her mouth, completely surprised by not just this view but the beauty it showed as well. After a moment, Sarah stood up and got off the bed, walking to Palmer, her hands on her shoulders, her thumbs rubbing gently against your collarbone. "Holy hell is this a nice thing to see after a long emotional day," Palmer said, "is this the kind of thing I'm in store for on a regular basis? I'm not complaining, for the record." "How could you when I look this good," Sarah replied, leaning in and kissing Palmer, leading her to the bed. A shower could wait. She'd need one after this night anyway. The hotel room door clicked and swung open, allowing Adam and Regina to enter, soaking wet but laughing. As Adam lugged their luggage into the room, Regina bolted to the bathroom and found some towels, with which she began drying her hair off. Adam pulled his shoes off and left them, absolutely sopping, in the corner of the room under one of the towels Regina had handed him. As she stood in the doorway of the bathroom, laughing at him, Adam couldn't help but feel great. Sure, they'd had a flat tire and gotten caught in a storm, but...but isn't that the kind of stuff couples are supposed to do? Have these funny little stories? Adam stood back up and pushed his wet hair back, his other hand on his hip, exhaling.
"I swear," he said, "this is the stuff romcoms are made of." "You say that like it's a bad thing," Regina replied, shaking her head out and putting the towel on her shoulder, "you know," she continued, "we could take a shower. Warm back up." Adam smiled, nodding. "That sounds like a fantastic idea," he said, walking past her into the bathroom, tugging his shirt off over his head and kissing her on the cheek. Regina turned, followed him into the bathroom and shut the door behind them. Of all the Hurks girls that day, Regina was the one having the best day. *** "This is all my fault," Palmer said, sitting on a rock in a small cave as Sarah stood behind her, running her fingers through her hair; Palmer continued, "Dodie doesn't know anything. Her entire world's been upended, and the fact that, now, even I'm being untruthful with her...that has to be confusing. I think, maybe, it's time to let everyone know what's going on." Sarah stopped and came around, kneeling in front of Palmer, putting her hands on her knees and looking her in the eyes. "Are you sure? That's...that's a big step. There's no going back after that," Sarah said, "I mean obviously I don't mind. My family knows who I am. And your mom and sister and Adam all seem very cool, so I don't think it'd be an issue there either. I just...I want you to be genuinely ready and not feel as though you're being forced into doing it for the sake of others comfort." "She's my little sister, Sarah," Palmer said, sniffling, rubbing her nose with the back of her wrist, "I'm, like...I've always been the person she looked up to, and now she thinks I'm trying to steal what's left of her world from her. I can't let her believe that, especially when it's not the truth. She needs to know." Sarah nodded and, pushing herself up a bit by steadying herself on Palmer's knees, pressed her lips on Palmer's and smiled. "As soon as the storm lets up, we can head on out," Sarah said, "it just isn't safe at the moment." "What if it doesn't let up?" Palmer whispered, on the verge of tears, "what if she's already in danger?" And it wasn't a ridiculous question, because it was already coming true. *** Dodie's eyes fluttered open, as her surroundings came into blurry view. Part of why it was blurry was because of the fall she'd taken, while the other part was simply because it was raining so hard. Dodie groaned and sat up, gripping a nearby tree trunk and pushing herself to lean against it. Dodie pulled her helmet off and looked at it, noticing the enormous crack down the side, realizing that, had she not been wearing it when she fell and hit the tree, she likely would've died. Dodie looked around but she couldn't see Turnip anywhere, and figured he'd likely taken off to find shelter of his own thanks to the storm. Dodie put her hands on the fallen log and pushed herself up, stumbling, before falling back down, screaming. Her ankle was broken, and there was no way she would be moving from this spot. Lying in the muck against this log, Dodie couldn't believe how far her life had fallen in just a under a year. Her father was dead, her sister had stolen her best friend, and now she'd broken her ankle and lost her horse in a storm. The only saving grace to all of this appeared to be Adam, and therapy, two things which were intertwined thanks to him being the one to take her and pick her up. Those afternoons with Adam, when it felt like she had a father again, those were the only good times Dodie had lately, and she appreciated that. She wished Adam was here right now, honestly. He'd know how to help. Thunder rumbled overhead, and Dodie could feel the rain getting thicker. She knew if she didn't get up and try to move, she'd likely be lost amongst the mud and the rocks. Hell, the area could flood and, with her broken ankle, she could easily be swept away by the current. It felt like everything in the world was trying to kill her, and that was more than any 3rd grader should have to deal with on a day to day basis. Gripping the tree with her fingertips, Dodie pushed herself up, screaming at the pain shooting through her leg from her ankle, but she had to get up. She had to. She couldn't let herself be lost like this. She couldn't let herself be killed. If she died, hell, she might be reunited with her father. And that was not something she wanted anymore. *** "It's weird how a location can so effectively alter your taste," Adam said, biting into a sandwich while lying on the bed, "like, in the air, food tastes terrible, but in a room, food can taste great." "What about on a boat?" Reggie asked, standing at the table where their room service had been planted and searching through it for something she wanted. "Don't know, never been on a boat," Adam said, wiping his mouth on his robe sleeve, "but I would imagine it tastes weird. For some reason food in moving vehicles tastes weird. That's why everyone parks when they get drive through." Regina stopped, turned, and looked at him. After a moment she nodded. "That's...a hard theory to argue against," she said, the both of them laughing. Regina turned back to the table, picking out little odds and ends and placing them together on a plate before coming back to the bed and seating herself on it, eating beside Adam. It was weird, doing this...this...relationship stuff. Stuff she somehow never did with her husband. This umbrella category that houses what's considered "relationship" always confused Regina, but now she understood that the reason for that was because Michael never ONCE tried to do any of it, so she just assumed that anything that explained what you're supposed to experience in a relationship was just full of shit. "I know it's not exactly the weather we might've hoped for," Adam said, finishing his sandwich and leaning back against the headboard, sighing, "but it isn't too bad, honestly. This is kind of relaxing." "Very," Reggie said, biting into a chicken wing when she felt Adam touching the side of her face, brushing errant strands of hair from her cheek and making her blush as she asked through as mouthful of meat, "what are you doing?" "Just admiring you," Adam said, smiling, "love me a lady who can put away wings." "Well then buddy," Regina said, finishing her wing and putting the bare bone back on the plate, "do I have the girl for you! Her name is Regina, and she's pretty awesome." "Is she now?" Adam asked, the both of them laughing as he added, "she sounds amazing, honestly. Tell me more about her." Reggie blushed, laughing, and cuddled up to Adam. If this was what love was supposed to be, then whatever she had had with Michael was not love. Sure they had some laughs, some occasional nice moments, but it was never like this. Adam was genuinely interested in Regina, constantly trying to learn more about her and doing things for her, and Michael never did that beyond the initial stage of meeting and getting together, and even then his efforts were minimal at best. Reggie buried her face in Adam's neck, and smiled, sighing deeply. She couldn't believe how happy she was. And she wouldn't believe how miserable her daughters were. *** Sarah, standing at the entrance to the cave, sighed, tapping her foot on the ground. The storm wasn't letting up. She looked at the horses nearby and grimaced. She was going to have to take them back to the trailer, there was no other way for it to be. She couldn't let them sit out like this, it wasn't fair to them. Sarah turned and glanced cautiously over her shoulder at Palmer, who was getting her coat zipped back up, preparing to go find Dodie. After a moment, Sarah turned away from the cave entrance and walked to Palmer, taking her hands and kissing them softly. "You need to find her, you're right," Sarah said quietly, "so I'm going to take the horses back to the trailer since we're not that far and it's not safe for them to remain out like this, and you go search for Dodie. I'll come look for you guys once the horses are locked back up." With that they kissed before heading out of the cave and - Sarah taking the horses reigns in her hands and Palmer pulling her hat over her head - went their separate ways. Palmer had, honestly, no idea where to look. She would be lucky, she figured, if she didn't get lost or injured herself. Her boots squishing in the mud underfoot, her face pelted with the hardest raindrops she'd ever felt in her life, Palmer couldn't help but feel as though she were marching to her own death, but it was worth the risk if she managed to find Dodie in the midst of it all. She'd been through enough, she didn't need this on top of it. But where could she be? Dodie had taken off a bit before the storm had really gotten started, so she could quite literally be anywhere, and this worried Palmer. After all, she was a single college aged girl, not an experienced forest ranger with an entire search and rescue team at her beckon call. What could she really, realistically, do in this sort of situation besides carelessly trek into the unknown and hope against naivety that everything would be okay? But she wouldn't stop, she would find her, no matter what. She couldn't let her sister die out there like this. Their father had deserved it. Dodie didn't. More than that, however, Palmer just hoped Sarah would be able to find them both again once the horses were back in the trailer. If she could barely see in this rain, what chance did Sarah have in finding them? Palmer tugged at the collar of her coat, keeping it closed best she could to keep herself from being chilled. She just had to do what she could, do her best. It was, really, all she could do. Maybe Sarah would return with some help of some kind, or maybe Palmer and Dodie would just die out here in the wilds of this forest, leaving their mother with no semblance of a family anymore. Whatever the outcome might be - and Palmer managed to imagine many of them in her short time walking - one thing always came back to her as the truth.. ...if they got out of this, no matter how it happened, Dodie deserved to know what was going on. Palmer swore she wasn't going to become their father and keep everything in the dark from her family, her sister especially. As long as she was alive, she was going to fight tooth and nail against being the kind of person their father had been, no matter what it took. *** Dodie had not made it very far. In fact, with her ankle the way it was, she'd only made it a few feet really before finally collapsing again on an enormous flat rock, crawling up it and perching upon it since it was elevated enough to keep her safe from the flooding, at least momentarily. She splayed her legs out straight on the rock, unable to sit cross legged or with her knees to her chest like she would prefer, and groaned as she stretched her ankle. The thunder rumbled overhead but the rain seemed to be letting up a bit at least and Dodie could now see a little bit better than she could before. Why had they even come out here? What had been the point of this little excursion? She would've been perfectly happy to stay at the stable and do grooming, they didn't have to go for a ride. Just then, she heard the sound of water sloshing on rocks nearby, and turned to see Palmer coming through the brush. As their eyes locked, Dodie turned and looked away, wanting to see anyone else but her sister right now. Palmer stumbled her way towards the large flat rock and, gripping it best she could in the rain, pulled herself up onto it. Lying there on her stomach, Palmer took a few long breaths before rolling herself onto her back, looking up at the sky overhead before glancing at Dodie, who still wouldn't acknowledge her. "Dod," Palmer said, panting, trying to get her breath back, "thank god I found you." "Yeah, let's thank god," Dodie mumbled as Palmer tried to sit up; Palmer then noticed the redness in Dodie's ankle. "Did you hurt yourself?" she asked. "You hurt me," Dodie said, "you said you never would, and then you did. You're just like dad." "I am NOT like dad," Palmer said sternly, "Dodie, we need to get you out of here and somewhere they can check out your ankle, it looks really bad and-" "Why won't anyone tell me what's going on?" Dodie finally asked, now turning to face her sister; Palmer was unable to tell if Dodie was crying thanks to the rain, but her eyes definitely looked red, and she was wiping her face down with her sweater sleeve; Dodie continued, "nobody will tell me what's happening, and it isn't fair! Aunt Emily won't tell me why she's here, and mom won't tell me why she's so sad, and Adam is the only one who really pays me any attention! And then there's you..." Palmer felt her heart sink. "What about me, Dodie?" she asked weakly. "Why are you taking my friend away? Sarah was my friend first, she's my trainer, why are you spending all your time with her? It was never hard for you to make friends, and now you're away at college and you can have other friends, but you have to come home and take away my friend? It isn't fair, it's selfish," Dodie said, sniffling, and now Palmer could understand just how hurt her little sister felt. Dodie continued, "I just want to understand why everything is changing around me, because it wasn't this way just a little bit ago. First dad dies, and now all this?" "...there's something I need to tell you," Palmer said quietly, "about me. And Sarah." As Palmer let her story unfold to her little sister, she could sense that Dodie felt appreciative. Here, finally, was an adult telling her the unvarnished truth, and explaining how it had nothing to do with her. How she wasn't to blame, and wasn't at fault, and it wasn't intentional to hurt her. How she'd never been certain of herself, and how that boy had treated her, and how Sarah had treated her differently, and how she'd finally come to understand who she was. How she and Sarah weren't 'friends'. And Dodie, once it was all said and done, hugged her big sister harder than she ever had before, whispering 'thank you' repeatedly. And when Sarah finally found them a half hour later, the rain had let up, the storm had died down, and all seemed well. Sometimes it's true. All you need is a horsey ride. *** Adam relaxed, resting his head on the rim of the hot tub and shutting his eyes. He heard the water move, and opened one eye halfway to see Regina climbing back inside, holding two beers in her hands, holding one out to him. He took it, thanked her, then popped the cap off and started drinking as Reggie let herself disappear beneath the warm superheated waters. "We've spent a lot of time in the aqua today," Adam said, making her laugh. "Indeed we have," she replied, "but it's nice. One was something we didn't choose to get caught in, and the others were things we did of our own volition, and yet I think it's the storm that will make the better memory. It's the things you don't expect to be fun that you recall with the most clarity." "Yeah, like giving birth," Adam said, making her laugh loudly as she opened her beer and took a long swig as well. "Well, here's to hoping one day you won't have to know that pain yourself," she said after drinking and Adam shrugged. "The miracles of modern science," he remarked, "maybe I'll do it just for the experience." "It's pregnancy, not a roller coaster," Regina said, chuckling. Together the two of them sat in the hot tub and drank, just relaxing and enjoying the night sky overhead. It had been so long since Regina had had some time to herself like this. When Michael was still alive and she suggested they take a trip, he'd begrudingly agree, only to then spend most of the time away from her. Not that Reggie minded. She just relaxed by herself and, quite frankly, after a while she got used to not having him around. Perhaps that's why his death ultimately didn't leave too much of a gaping hole in her heart, because he'd removed himself from it long before that. At least he did one thing for her, she figured. All Dodie wanted to do was tend to her horse.
Well, not her horse in terms of definitions, but the horse she used when she went to her lessons. She had had a bad therapy session, and then her mother got mad at her for something completely insignificant, and so the only thing on Dodie's mind at this point was to enjoy her time with her horse. Standing in his stall, brushing his coat, she couldn't even remember most of the day and that's exactly the way she wanted it. She hated having bad days, and she liked being here because it was as though the rest of the world was entirely blocked out momentarily. Palmer had come down to spend the weekend with her so their mom and Adam could take a small vacation, and while Dodie took care of her assigned horse, Turnip, Palmer and Sarah were in another stall. But they weren't petting horses, they were far too busy petting one another. Sarah had Palmer pushed against the wall of an empty stall, her lips pressed against Palmer's neck, a hand covering her mouth so she couldn't make noise into the empty open barn air, and frankly...Palmer was in love with the loss of control she was feeling right now. As Sarah slowly pulled her lips from Palmer's throat and ran the tip of her nose up her neck to her cheek, she smiled. "You've been such a good girl today," Sarah said, "Maybe tonight, I'll make up for what I can't do now." "Don't do that, don't get me started, not here, in public," Palmer said, her voice shaky, her attraction obvious, making both girls laugh; Sarah pulled away from Palmer and readjusted her riding clothes as Palmer started to run her hands through her own hair, trying to calm herself down. "You know," Sarah said as she lifted one of her legs up on a nearby bucket, fixing her riding boot, "they have these riding crops here, and-" "Sarah, oh my god," Palmer interrupted, laughing. "Actually," Sarah said, after getting her giggles under control, "Would you like to go riding with me? I noticed Dodie's been in a mood today, so I thought tomorrow morning the three of us could go for a ride somewhere. Somewhere not on the regular trail. Somewhere special, unique. Have you ridden horses?" "A few times," Palmer said, nodding. "...that aren't attached to metal poles?" Sarah asked. "Oh, well, not nearly as much, but yes," Palmer said, "and I'd love to go with you guys. It'd be a lot of fun to take her out and do something like that, and I'd be a lot of fun to make that kind of memory with you too. That way, when I'm back at school and lying in my cold, empty bed thinking of you, I'll have something to keep me warm." Sarah blushed as she finished with her boot and stood back up, grabbed Palmer by the arm and gently tugged her towards herself, planting her lips on her once again. After this kiss broke, Sarah excused herself to go check on Dodie's grooming progress. Watching her exit, Palmer leaned against the wall of the stall and thought about her life. Thought about how lucky she felt. Thought about how she was so happy to finally know herself. And after feeling good about herself momentarily, she too went to focus on her little sister, because Dodie hadn't been feeling very good about herself lately. *** "Do you wanna talk about it?" Adam asked as he drove, Regina just looking out the window. She hadn't said a word since they'd embarked on their little journey, and they'd been in the car for over an hour now, and she still hadn't talked. Adam was, understandably, starting to get a little concerned. He turned the air conditioner up and blasted it on her, which she smiled at. He knew how much discomfort she got from the wrong temperature, so he always made sure to keep the car and the house at a comfortable level for her. "I think I wanna stop and get something to eat," Regina said quietly, and Adam nodded. "There's some stuff coming up, we can absolutely do that," he said, "I can pull off here and we can find somewhere." Regina nodded, wiping her eyes on her blouse sleeve, making Adam feel like she was trying not to cry. After pulling off an exit and then a short bit of time looking, they finally settled on a little noodle shop. Adam parked and, together with Regina, they headed inside. After being seated, and ordering, they continued their self imposed silence, though not because Adam wanted to. After their server brought them their drinks, Adam - after taking a very long sip - sighed and leaned back, crossing his arms. "Okay," he said, "if you wanna talk about-" "He never did anything like this," Regina whispered, interrupting him, much to his surprise; she continued, sniffling, "he never once put aside his plans or his needs and focused on doing something just for me. Yet here you are, working a barely minimum wage job, and you're finding the time. Not just finding the time, making the time. And just for me. Not because you'll get anything out of it. You just...want me to relax and feel good." Adam felt like he was going to cry now. He choked back his tears momentarily and cleared his throat. "Uh, I've never really had good relationships with women, and as such I've always worried that, you know, maybe I wouldn't be the best boyfriend. But it's true. I do just want to see you relax and feel good," he said, "I just...wanna take care of you, Reggie, that's all I want out of this. Anything else is simply a bonus." Regina smiled, blushing as she looked down at her hands on the table. Adam reached across and took one of her hands, gripping it gently, giving a little squeeze. "You're a beautiful person," Adam said, "and you deserve a beautiful life." Regina wanted to cry. Adam, a man half her age, was saying things her own husband had never said in all the years they'd been together. She almost felt like this wasn't real. Like she was living some sort of fantasy daydream wherein she wound up with someone who treated her right instead of a man who ignored her most of the time and catered more to his own whims than the needs of his family. It was in that moment, sitting in that noodle shop, that Regina decided she wanted to spend her life with Adam Barber, in one way or another. Her husband was dead. But her need for romance sure fucking wasn't. *** This trail Sarah had spoken of was actually in a nearby little forest, land preserved for exactly this specific situation. She hitched the trailer to her car, loaded three horses in it, and then together the three of them - Dodie, Sarah and Palmer, piled in and drove to the spot for a nice, quiet afternoon ride. After finding a suitable parking space, Sarah unloaded the horses and got them all saddled up. Her horse, Gadget, was a horse she not only owned but had been training for over a decade, and Dodie, of course, was riding Turnip. Palmer, however, hadn't ridden a horse since she was a tween at least, and was unsure of her skill level. Sarah had chosen a fairly laid back and well trained horse as a result of this uncertainty from Palmer, an older horse named Milk. The girls climbed aboard their repsectives steeds, and trotted off into the woods, the sunlight breaking through the thicket of branches that loomed overhead intermittently. "This is nice," Palmer said as she and Sarah stayed a bit back, giving Dodie the lead. "I love doing this," Sarah replied, "it helps keep me calm, and centered, like Yoga but, you know, with giant animals." Palmer laughed and Dodie, hearing this laughter, cringed. She hated that her worlds had collided. At the ranch, Sarah was entirely home, and at home Palmer was entirely hers, but now that they were one and the same, Dodie felt like she lacked anything whatsoever. She was having trouble feeling like she belonged with either one of them, and this feeling of isolation was making her feel worse because not only was she lonely, but she also felt guilty for wanting each girl to herself when she could so clearly see how happy they made one another. "Honestly, don't even do anything," Sarah said to Palmer, "just trust that he'll follow us, and if you don't interfere, you'll be perfectly fine. Otherwise you run the risk of having him take off and throw you to the ground and we're a long ways from any kind of medical help." "God forbid I die by horse," Palmer mumbled, both of them giggling. The last time Palmer had ridden a horse - actually in earnest ridden a horse - was when she was 9 at a state fair. She could recall being on the back, proud of her newfound animal taming abilities, shouting to her mother and father on the sidelines to watch her. And Regina did, with such pride that it warmed Palmer to this very day. But Michael? Michael instead went to get something to eat. He never looked. He never waved back. The further they got from his death, and thusly out of their grief, the clearer a picture Palmer was beginning to have of her father. Why had she mourned for a man who so clearly had no interest in being here when he was alive? She had decided that she was tired of chasing approval from a man who never cared about approving of anyone beyond himself. In hindsight, her life really was no different with him dead than alive. It's just that he was a deadbeat dad. Now he was just a dead dad. And her life had only improved since then, quite frankly. *** The front right tire had blown out. Pulled alongside the road, hoping for assistance, Adam knelt beside the tire while Regina sat on the hood and watched the expression on his face change every few minutes. "Thinking that if you look at it enough different ways it might fix itself?" Regina asked, and Adam looked up at her, smirking. "Alright, I don't need this sass," he said, the both of them chuckling as a car pulled up and parked in front of them. An older couple - at least in the late 60s - climbed out and approached as Adam stood back up. "You look like you're in need," the man said, "You guys got a spare at least?" "No, we don't. I just...I never was taught how to change a tire, so," Adam said, "and she always relied on her husband to do it for her." "Well, lucky for you," the man said, stroking his mustache, "I always keep a spare for situations such as this. I'll happily get it on there if you'll assist me. You're a lot younger and thus a lot stronger than I am." Adam had no problem with that, and, clapping his hands together, ready to be put to work, followed the man to his car. The mans wife, in her long minimalistic sundress, stood beside the car with Reggie to keep her company. She pulled her sunhat off and tossed her long chocolate brown hair, sighing as she fanned herself with her hat. "Where's your husband?" the woman asked, "he said your husband used to-" "He's dead," Regina said, "Adam is my..." What was Adam, exactly? It was clear they were a couple, and yet the word "boyfriend" had almost never left her lips, like she was scared to say it, and that made her feel confused. Other people had called Adam her boyfriend, so why was she so seemingly terrified of the idea? Maybe because it made it permanent, and after losing a husband, nothing felt permanent, especially people in your day to day life. Regina sighed and shook her head, looking from the woman back at Adam, who was helping the man pull the tire and a crank out of the back of their car, then she looked back at the woman. "He's just Adam," she said, "and he's mine." "We should hurry this up," the man said as he and Adam passed the women, arriving back at the car with the tire and crank, "feels blustery, like there's a storm moving past." *** When Dodie was a little girl - she was still a little girl, but a littler girl at least - she'd always loved having her sister around. Now, it seemed, her sister was taking all the important things away from her. Horse riding was hers. Sarah was hers. She hadn't moved in on Adam yet, but god only knew how long it would be until she did, and being older than Dodie, she and Adam could do fun adult things together like father and daughter might. Hearing Palmers laugh fill the space between the trees, it made Dodie's rage grow. "Once," Sarah said, "when I was like 14, I participated in a dressage competition and I was so late that I didn't have time to change everything so I went out in sandals and I STILL won." "That's just proof that firstly you're that good and secondly they aren't big sticklers in regards to rules," Palmer said. "I was surprised they allowed it!" Sarah said, "but I'd already won a few by that point anyway so I'd proved myself, skill wise." Suddenly Dodie stopped and turned her horse back to face Sarah and Palmer, who quickly came to a halt as well. "What is it Dod?" Sarah asked. "Why are you friends?!" she shouted, "Sarah's MY friend! She's MY teacher! It's not enough that you were actually Doodlebug but now you have to steal Sarah from me too?!" Palmer was, admittedly, taken completely by surprise by this sudden outburst of emotion. She stared at Dodie with a mixture of sadness and confusion, before sighing and realizing she could no longer keep her family in the dark. It was time. She had to come out. "Dodie," Palmer said, "uh, we're not friends, we-" "If you're not friends then why are you spending all your time together?! Everytime you come home from school lately you spend all your time with Sarah instead of me!" Dodie screamed, "what about me?!" And with that, Dodie turned on her horse and, kicking Turnip's ribs gently, started to gallop away. Sarah and Palmer quickly took off after her, as the sunlight was beginning to be drowned out by the incoming storm, the clouds eliminating the brightness of the day and bringing with it rain. Palmer could feel the rain starting to hit her face, and Sarah stopped as Palmer continued for a bit before stopping and looking back at Sarah. "We're gonna lose her!" Palmer shouted. "The weather has turned and it isn't safe to do it this way," Sarah said, "We need to find shelter and then we can come back after hitching the horses to look for her!" "She's my sister, I can't just-" "Palmer, we don't have a choice, it's too dangerous," Sarah said, and as Palmer looked back at her sister disappearing into the rain and trees, she couldn't help but admit Sarah was right. Palmer followed Sarah to an offshoot of the trail as they began searching for coverage. Meanwhile, Dodie, ignoring the danger and wanting instead to put as much distance between herself and them as possible, continued on Turnip until finally Turnips hooves slipped in a bit of mud and, scaring him, he reared up and threw Dodie off him. Dodie hit the ground with a thud, then rolled down a hill before hitting her head against the trunk of a tree. She was knocked unconscious immediately, despite wearing a riding helmet, and with the water falling and the chance for flooding, if her sister and trainer didn't find her soon... ...their father wouldn't be the only death in the family of recent memory. Elise Montgomery was not a popular girl, not at high school and not at college either now.
With her conservative, plain as dryer sheet clothing style - often consisting of long earth colored skirts and button down shirts with boring loafers and glasses that were at least two sizes too big for her - and her ordinary straight auburn hair that regularly covered her face, Elise was usually seen sitting by herself and doing coursework or spending her nights alone in her shared dorm while her roommates went out and she stayed behind to watch old westerns. If someone had just ever taken the time to get to know her, they would've seen that she wasn't as boring as she seemed. She just didn't have the same interests as most of her peers. But nobody ever took the time. Nobody ever does. And nobody knew this better than Elise, who'd spent the majority of her existence perpetually ignored by those around her. Then, one night, when she was watching TV, she heard the large bell on campus ring out a few times, and she stood up, walked over to the window and, pulling the curtains away carefully, looked out at the bell tower. Maybe they'd think about her if she did something amazing. Something they'd never forget. Something they'd never see coming. *** Palmer opened her eyes and groaned as she rolled over, her hand reaching across the bed only to find Sarah was no longer in it. Palmer sat up a little and looked around the room. Her things were still here, so it wasn't like she'd left. The bedroom door opened and Sarah entered, with a small tray containing two mugs and a plate of bacon. As she shut the door behind her with her butt and set the tray on the bed, Palmer chuckled. "That ass is pretty talented," Palmer said. "Girl, you know it," Sarah replied, sitting on the bed and handing Palmer her mug of coffee. "Don't you have to drive back tonight?" Palmer asked. "Tomorrow morning," Sarah said, "I have a dressage competition to oversee. But until then I am staying right here, with you, and this bacon." For the last few weeks, Sarah had been coming up every weekend she could and staying from Friday to Sunday, only to head home early Monday morning to do her horse work at the stables and deal with the kids she was training to ride. Palmer had loved having her around, and having her all to herself. Hell, there were some days they never even left the room, opting instead to just lounge and enjoy one anothers company. While Palmer sipped her coffee and watched Sarah open the book she'd brought with her to read, chewing on bacon as she did so, Palmer couldn't believe how lucky she was. Sarah was beautiful, so very beautiful, and so amazingly talented. She made Palmer feel like the only girl in the whole world, and she loved it. After a bit of breakfast, Palmer got dressed and got out of bed, heading to the living room of the dorm where she found Arthur and Anita sitting at the table, having breakfast of their own; Arthur having cereal and Anita eating toaster strudels. Palmer walked past them, headed into the kitchen and got herself some more coffee before coming back to the table and looking at them. "Everything okay?" she asked, lifting the mug to her lips. "...look, we've been pretty polite up to this point, but...this girl who's coming over here so often, is this just a friend from back home or?" Anita asked, never being one to shy away from a subject so brazenly; Arthur's poofy curly hair bobbed as he looked over at Palmer, awaiting a response. "...does it matter?" Palmer asked, "I mean, I'm allowed to have friends come over, right? Didn't you ever have sleepovers when you were growing up?" "No, I didn't have friends," Anita said, "is that something you were supposed to do?" she asked, looking at Arthur who nodded solemnly, causing Anita to groan and rub her forehead and bite her lip as she added, "Palmer...I don't care, I just wanna know what's going on, cause you guys are the only friends I've ever had and I wanna make sure that I'm part of the circle." "Well, sometimes the circle is only big enough for two people," Palmer said sternly, "maybe sometimes the circle needs time to be opened to others, you know?" Just then they heard someone knock on their door and Arthur scooted his chair back, walking over to the door and opening it to find a girl from his Physics class standing there. "Hi Keisha, what's going on?" Arthur asked. "There's a girl on the belltower!" Keisha said, causing everyone to run to the window, Keisha included, and look out towards the belltower where, indeed, a woman was standing at the top of it as a small crowd gathered around below her. That's when it struck Palmer...she knew this girl. Palmer quickly ran back into her bedroom and grabbed her shoes, slipping them on as Sarah got up and joined her, the five of them rushing out towards the belltower. Maybe she wouldn't be too late. Maybe. As they approached and got closer, forcing their way through the crowd - mostly with the help of Anita shoving others aside thanks to her track girl physique - they could now see her more clearly. Palmer had been right. This girl had shown up at the Bookworms meeting. Palmer looked around for any kind of entrance to the belltower, confused at how she managed to get up there, and that's when she noticed the railing near the back of it. Palmer looked at Sarah, who was engaged in conversation with Arthur and the others, so she slipped away and headed towards the railing which led to a few steps and a door. Palmer pushed the door open, then slunk inside. *** "Are you happy?" Regina asked, lying on Adam's lap as he massaged his fingers into her head. "Very much so," Adam said, smiling down at her, "Why?" "Emily just...she made me feel like I don't take enough care of myself," Regina said, "the other day we had this conversation about how I've dealt with my husbands death and, like, if I was just sleeping with you to feel less alone, and even if I were, would that be a bad thing? But I'm not. I like you. You make me feel happy in ways he never managed to." Adam blushed a little and nodded, continuing to massage her scalp. Reggie shut her eyes and lay there, exhaling gently through her nose. Michael had never been like this for her. He'd never - past the initial courting stage - really done much for her for the sake of comfort. Adam, on the other hand, did nothing except focus on her comfort. Regina really didn't realize what she was missing until she finally had it. "Are you happy?" Adam asked. "...yeah, I...I think I am," Reggie said, "I mean, things are still kind of, you know, raw, but...that's normal. That's to be expected. My husband died. Flawed as our marriage may have been, I still spent a good portion of my life with him. But it doesn't mean my happiness was entirely dependent on him. In fact, if anything, towards the end it wasn't dependent on him whatsoever. He made it worse. You make it better." Reggie looked up at Adam, who leaned down and pressed his lips against hers, making her laugh as she kissed him back. "Tell me some more stuff I do better, feed my ego, I like it," Adam said, chuckling as she continued to laugh. Was this what relationships were supposed to be like? Because she'd never known that. She'd always thought the way she and Michael had lived together had been the norm. But then sometimes she saw her friends with their husbands, their wives, and she would be surprised at how in love they seemed, and how suffocated she felt by comparison. Now she felt loved. And she never wanted to go back. *** Palmer reached the top of the stairs, and pushed open the other door, now feeling the breeze hitting her face as her eyes readjusted to the sunlight. As she stepped up onto the small platform the bell hung over, she could see the girl, and she knocked gently on the bell to get her attention. Elise turned and saw Palmer, then started backing up closer to the edge, as Palmer reached out. "No, please, don't freak out," Palmer said, reaching into her coat pocket and pulling a hair tie with which to keep her hair from her face in the form of a ponytail; once done she continued, "please just listen to me. Elise, right? That was your name? You came to my book club meeting?" Elise hesitated, then pushed her glasses back up her face and nodded solemnly. "I thought so," Palmer said, "now look, I'm gonna say a whole lot of things and they're not gonna be well said and it's all gonna be kinda jumbled together cause I'm pretty scared of heights and we're pretty high up right now but...please listen and believe me when I say this isn't what you should do, okay? I know that's, like, super trite, but I've...I've never told anyone this but I've felt the same way. I wanted to die. My sister has wanted to die and she's in elementary school. We're no strangers to these feelings, alright? I know it's a cliche to say you're not alone, but you're not alone." "Nobody likes me," Elise finally said, her voice low, weak, shaky as she backed against one of the pillars holding the roof of the belltower up, adding, "everyone thinks I'm weird. I don't have any friends. I didn't even come to the book club to make friends, I just came because I like reading." Palmer watched Elise slide down the pillar and sit down on the platform. Palmer then bit her lip and, getting on her hands and knees, crawled over towards her. When she was finally sitting in front of her, Palmer reached out and took her hand. "I get it," she said, "I like reading too. When I was in school, not college but other school, reading was the best escape, especially if your life sucks and it feels like nobody likes you. You get to go on these great little adventures with characters who feel like your friends that nobody else gets to go on, and it can really help. I get it, Elise, I do. But think of how many more books there are to read, and how many more adventures you won't get to go on if you leave now. You don't wanna do that, right?" Elise looked down over the edge of the platform and, after a moment, shook her head. "Exactly," Palmer said, smiling, "see, you do have friends. And you can make more. Now come down with me, because I'm about to pee my pants." Elise smiled and nodded, taking Palmers hand and letting her guide them back to the door. As they went down the stairs and came back out the back entrance, Palmer put a finger to her lips, indicating they should be quiet, and then slipped away in a different direction, much to the crowds confusion. Once further away from everyone, hiding in a small wooded area near campus, Elise was finally able to calm down and relax. Palmer and Elise talked quietly about their favorite books, each one recommending the other something they'd never heard of, and each one seemingly eager to genuinely follow through with said recommendation. But Palmer should've let her jump. She didn't know it now, but she should've. As the saying goes, no good deed goes unpunished. *** Dodie was sitting on the floor of her therapists office, in the sandbox, with one of the toy horses Sarah had given to her in that collection she'd recently donated. As she pretended to make it trot through the sand, she could hear Mariel's pen scribbling on the clipboard nearby, and she glanced up, only for Mariel to do the same and smile. "Don't worry, I'm not writing about you," Mariel said, "I'm writing about this other child who doesn't have cool horse toys." Dodie smiled and nodded, picking the horse up and looking at it in her hands before standing up and walking to the chair next to Mariel, who put her pen down atop the clipboard in her lap, folded her hands and paid attention. "This is a paint," Dodie said, holding the toy out, "Paint is my favorite kind of horse, because they can have so much variety in their colors and furs. So many horses are just one color, or all look the same, but paints all look different. No paint looks the same, even mothers and foals. It's really cool." Mariel nodded, leaning forward, resting her head on her chin as she listened. "It's weird...because my mom and I look the same, and I look like my dad, but Palmer doesn't look like either of them. It's weird that people in a family can look so different," Dodie said. "It happens," Mariel said, shrugging, "For instance, I'm the only one in my family with curly hair. It just...it happens. There are, as you said, variations. But variety is good, right? That's what they say! Variety is the spice of life! So good for your sister for being so different, and good for you for recognizing that differences equals beauty." Dodie smiled and looked down at her horse, stroking its mane as she fought to speak. "....I don't," Dodie started, "...I'm glad my dad is gone. I shouldn't be, and for a while I missed him, but now I'm glad. I see that just because he was a good dad to me doesn't mean he was a good dad to my sister, or a good husband to my mom. Adam makes everyone much happier, and I like him a lot more. Does that make me a bad daughter?" Dodie sniffled and wiped her eyes on her sleeve, as Mariel reached across behind her and grabbed a box of tissues, handing them to Dodie, who took them graciously. "Sweetheart," Mariel started, "it doesn't make you a bad daughter. Relationships with parents can be...challenging, to put it mildly. You have every right to like or dislike your folks as much as you want, or as much as feels comfortable to you. And someday you may feel differently. That's the thing about liking someone, it doesn't have to be definitive and it can change at any given moment. Some day you may like your dad again, or you may like your mom less. It's all up to you. But I think any decent parent would be understanding of how you felt and not take it personally." Dodie nodded and dabbed at her eyes with the tissue before balling it up and setting it in her lap, then looking at her horse again. "Adam takes me for ice cream every time after therapy," Dodie said, smiling, "dad never would've done that." "Then let's be happy Adam is here," Mariel said, "cause he sure seems happy you are." Dodie laughed and nodded. This was the first time since starting sessions that Dodie had really opened up like this, and it was good progress to see. And after it ended, Dodie and Adam did indeed go out for their usual frozen delicacy. Her mom didn't even know they did it. It was just a tradition for him and her, and that made it all the more special. Sure, her father had given her a pet name, but it was a pet name he'd given other girls before her. But he'd never gotten her weekly ice cream. *** "You saved someone's life today," Sarah said, sitting on the bed in pajama pants and a bra as Palmer also climbed out of her clothes and stood just in her underwear before lying on the bed, exhaling. "I did," she said, "that was...not something I ever thought I'd do. That was kind of cool." "You didn't do it for the ego boost, did you?" Sarah asked, making Palmer laugh as she crawled up further onto the bed, lying on top of Palmer. "I did it cause I can see myself in her...like...I was never that reserved but we're very much the same and I know how it feels to be that lonely," Palmer said, "I just didn't think it was fair for her to feel that way, and especially not fair to kill oneself over it." "I think you deserve a heros welcome," Sarah said, grinning, kissing down Palmers tummy before vanishing between her legs, Palmers fingers digging into Sarah's hair as a grin broke across her face. "I should do good deeds more often if this is the reward," Palmer said giggling as she shut her eyes and enjoyed it. The Hurks girls had been through a lot, but lately things had been winding down and turning into a rather mundane existence, which was thoroughly welcome. Progress was being made, but it wasn't too much at once, or not enough. Everything was just right. And comparatively to what they'd been dealing with just months before... ...just right was good enough. "It's quiet, do you think they're done," Emily asked, her voice wavy, scared. Understandable, seeing as she was only 6 years old. Michael pulled back on one of the blanket flaps and peered out into the dark room, then came back underneath and shrugged.
"I don't know, but probably not," he replied, "or they went outside to fight." This had been the life for the Hurks children for many years. Emily, 6, and Michael 9, had always had to deal with this. In fact, it wouldn't be until she was 9 and he was 12, and their parents finally separated and they moved in with their mother in a two bedroom apartment (meaning Michael and his sister shared a bedroom for a while) that they finally got sort of a reprieve. For a while, while their folks fought almost seemingly night and day, Michael took it upon himself to help take care of his little sister. He made her lunches everyday, he read to her, he aided her if she got hurt or injured. To Emily, Michael wasn't just her big brother. He was her savior, and she was his Doodlebug. And then, inexplicably one day, Michael cut off contact with Emily, and it killed her. No answers, no reasons, nothing. He just stopped speaking to her and refused to let her see his children or himself, and this sent Emily to drink. So drink she did. She drank, and she smoked and she found solace in the women in her local queer community. And then, one day out of the blue, Emily got a phone call from Michael's wife Regina, who told her her brother was dead, and all Emily could say in response was "good." And then she packed her bags. *** "Shhh," Emily whispered, giggling as she pulled Alissa closer to her and, running her hand up her arm, kissed her again. Emily and Alissa were hidden, tucked away in a little corner of the high school library, a place they'd been frequenting regularly as a way to make out and hide from prying eyes. As their lips pulled apart again, Alissa once more burst into little nervous laughs - something she always did when Emily kissed her, which Emily loved - and Emily joined her shortly after, repeating herself, "shhh!" Alissa and Emily had met in history class, when they'd been paired up to do a project about Rome. After discussing the civilizations intense homoerotic leanings, this quickly turned to discussion about their own interests in others, and once it'd been sussed out that both girls liked girls, it was only natural for them, they thought, to investigate this further with one another. They were both sophomores in high school, and Michael was off for his first year at college. For the first time in her life, Emily was without the guidance of her big brother, despite them constantly calling one another to regularly check in on one anothers lives. And yet, despite missing her brother, this was turning out to be the most interesting and exciting time in Emily's life. To finally be free of any kind of gaze, free to explore herself and the world around her without shame or fear. This was something she didn't know she'd needed, and didn't want to give up now that she had it. "We should probably get to class, lunch is almost over," Emily whispered, looking at the watch on her wrist, as she stood up against the bookshelf and pulled her backpack back over her shoulders; Alissa rose as well and leaned on the opposite bookshelf, watching Emily, blushing the whole time until Emily noticed her and grinned, asking, "What?" "Nothing," Alissa said, shrugging, "you're just pretty is all. I like looking at you." "Stop objectifying me," Emily said with a grin, both girls laughing. Emily and Alissa kissed briefly one more time before heading to their respective classes for the remainder of the school day. They would reconvene after school got out, and go to Alissa's since her parents worked late. At Alissa's they could do the usual; order a pizza, lounge around and watch TV while they continued to try and work on their project for History class. All in all, it was as good a situation as a first time queer experience could be. Or, at least, it was...until Michael found out. *** Michael never gave Emily a reason, but his reason wound up being the same for why he pulled away from Palmer. Or, at least, that was what Emily thought. After cutting contact with her, Michael watched Palmer grow up day by day, and day by day he saw his sister in her in many ways. But unbeknownst to Emily...his reasons for pulling away from Palmer as she aged were actually not the same for why he cut contact with her. The first few months without Michael in her life after he cut ties were the hardest. She found herself spending a good percentage of her time with Alissa, seeing they both went to the same college in the city they lived in, and worrying that her depression over losing her brother would upset her, but to Alissa's credit, she was anything but annoyed. She was comforting, compassionate, understanding. All things their parents had not been. All things Michael had once been. "I just don't get it," Emily said one night, sitting in Alissa's apartment on the floor (it was barely furnished, seeing as she'd only moved in mere days ago); she continued, "I mean...he'd only ever been supportive, why would that suddenly change?" "Well," Alissa said, bringing over two glasses and a bottle of wine and sitting on the floor across from Emily as she added, "some people just are in shock when they discover it. It can be a temporary thing and once the initial blow wears off, they can come to their senses and realize how much they miss their loved ones." "But what if he doesn't?" Emily asked, taking the glass of wine with her shaky hand, "what if...what if I never see him again?" "You find new family. You make new family," Alissa said, sipping her own wine and smirking, "that's the neat thing about family, it's a definitive definition. It can be altered to mean many things and include many people. For example, I can be family." Emily looked up from her glass and blushed. Alissa always knew the right things to say to lift her spirits, and she appreciated that so very much. What she didn't realize was how badly Alissa could also hurt her. A few months into her 23rd birthday, Emily found out that Alissa was seeing another woman. In fact, many other women. What had once been a tight knit and personal relationship built on years of mutual trust was shattered in an instant, and when Alissa tried to explain, Emily couldn't take it. Instead she did to Alissa what Michael had done to her. She cut all ties. But at least, unlike her brother, she had a legitimate reason. *** The last time Michael talked to his sister, he said a few cryptic things, none of which ever made sense to Emily, but forever always stuck to her, like an emotionally draining leech. It was right after Dodie had been born, and Emily had come to visit, and they were standing outside the house, Michael helping his sister put her luggage back in her car. As he closed the trunk and watched as she dug through her purse for her keys, he stopped and stood there on the sidewalk, staring at her. She finally looked up at him and smirked. "Having fun watching my ineptitude at organization?" she asked. "You can't come back," Michael said softly, and Emily stopped digging, looking up at him, her eyes wide. "Wh...what?" she asked. "You can't come back," Michael said, repeating himself, "you just...you can't come back. I can't have you around my family. I only let you come this time cause Regina insisted, but I can't have you being around them anymore." Emily felt her heart cracking, but she tried to hold it in. She finally pulled her keys from her purse and bit her lip. "...why?" she asked silently, terrified of the answer. "...because you're gay," Michael said, hating the words as they left his lips, "I can't...I can't have that around my daughters." Emily couldn't believe what she was hearing. Where was this coming from? Michael had never once come off as the type to be bigoted, especially towards his own little sister. She cleared her throat, tossed her hair and walked around to the drivers side of the car. Michael cautiously approached the window and knelt down, but she just kept her window rolled up and sped off down the street without giving him the chance to say anything more. As he watched his little sister drive away, Michael knew he'd never talk to her again, and it broke his heart. He wiped his eyes on his sleeve. It wasn't actually the reason, but it was a good enough lie to force her to stop contacting him, and that was all that mattered. Michael turned around to see Palmer and her mother coming out of the house - Dodie in Regina's arms - as they sat on the lawn and started playing with some plastic toys. Michael smiled. This was his family, and he had to protect them at all costs. Including his sister. *** Emily was sitting on the end of the bed in the spare bedroom when she heard someone knock on the open door and looked up to see Dodie coming in. She smiled and put out her cigarette, then focused her attention to Dodie, who stopped and put her hands in her overall pockets. "Um, Adam wants to know if you're gonna want dinner," Dodie said, "he's gonna pick stuff up cause he doesn't wanna cook tonight." "Yeah, yeah that's fine. I'll catch him and tell him what I want, thank you," Emily said as Dodie seated herself on the bed beside Emily and they sat silently together. After a moment, Dodie looked up at Emily, who smiled down at her. "I don't remember you at all," Dodie said, "is that bad?" "You were weeks old the last time I saw you, I think if you remembered anything from the first few weeks of your life that would be a medical marvel and you would be studied, so no, that's perfectly normal," Emily said, patting her nieces head gently, adding, "I would've come and seen you more, but your father told me I couldn't, so I stayed away." "Why did he say that?" Dodie asked, and Emily shook her head, exhaling. "That's the million dollar question, Dodie," she said, "I really wish I could answer that, because what he told me never struck me as the truth. He told me it was because I'm queer. But...but he was always supportive of gay people. I know that it can hit different when it's someone in your own family, but he just never struck me as that kind of person, so it's never made any sense. Regardless, he's gone now and I can be here with you guys." Dodie sighed and rubbed her hands on her jean covered knees. "...I like having you here," she said quietly, "cause you're the closest thing to dad that's still around. I never told mom or Palmer this, but...in the car, right before the accident - and I don't remember much but I do remember this - dad told me that he was happy Palmer was at college now, cause she reminded him of you too much. I don't see it though." Emily smiled and chuckled weakly. "One day you will, believe me," she replied, patting Dodie on the back, making her smile back. *** If there was one thing Palmer never expected, it was to be in a relationship. For the longest time, she just assumed not only that she was straight, but that she wasn't really all that interested in relationships or sex, not that the two went exclusively hand in hand. Turns out she was interested, just not in the people she thought she was, and as for the sex, well, she'd been a virgin up until recently, so that was a whole other bag altogether. But now, lying here on her bed with Sarah on her knees on the floor, her face between Palmers legs, Palmer couldn't imagine how long she'd gone lying to herself. All the things she'd missed out on that only now she was discovering. As Palmer finished climaxing, and Sarah crawled up onto the bed, lying on top of her and kissing her neck, Palmer blushed. "My parents like you a lot," Sarah said, "do you wanna have dinner with us this weekend?" "That would be fun," Palmer whispered, her eyes still shut, brain still reeling from the ecstasy as she mumbled, "I think I love you." And then her eyes opened and she slapped a hand over her mouth. Oh god. How could she have said that, just so openly, so suddenly? Oh lord. What had just been a moment of quiet passion now turned to intense panic. Sarah leaned up over her and looked down at her eyes. "You think you love me?" she asked, grinning, "cause for me it isn't a question. It's a fact." Palmer blushed as Sarah gently took her wrist in her hand and pulled it away from her mouth, locking lips with her. "I'm so sorry, I've never said that to anyone but my family," Palmer said, "Um, oh god." "You don't have to feel awkward with me," Sarah said, "but you can if you want, I admit it's pretty cute." Palmer cracked up and, putting her arms around Sarah's neck, kissed her back. "But, if it helps to ease you into it, I can pretend I'm unsure and say I think I love you too," Sarah whispered, pressing her lips against Palmers again, making her blush deep read. Yes, it turned out that love wasn't something she wasn't interested in. If anything, it was more that she just hadn't found the right person to love until now. *** Sitting in the waiting room of her therapists office, swinging her legs back and forth as she sat in the chair beside Adam - who had been the one to take her to therapy lately since her mother was working more - Dodie couldn't help but think about what she and Aunt Emily had talked about. Dodie looked up at Adam, who lowered his book and smiled at her, putting his hand on her back. "You're better than dad," she said softly, and this surprised him. "What?" he asked, half laughing. "You're better than dad cause you...you don't push any of us away. You're the opposite. You pull us to you. You wanna take care of mom and when Palmer came back the day Aunt Emily showed up, you were just nice to her immediately. You didn't even know her. But...but it was like...cause she was a part of mom, you loved her automatically. Dad didn't love her." Adam felt his eyes water, and he wiped them quickly on his arm before exhaling. "Your mother is...a remarkable woman, and maybe your father just couldn't see that, but I can," he said, "and I can see how remarkable you girls are because of her. That being said, much as I appreciate the sentiment, I don't think it's fair to compare me to your father, I mean-" "You're here and he's not," Dodie said sternly interrupting him. "Yeah but not by choice," Adam replied, "it was an accident, Dods, you know that. He'd still be here if he hadn't been killed." "He didn't wanna be here when he was here," Dodie whispered, and Adam furrowed his brow. "What...what do you mean?" Dodie had never told anyone what she'd heard. That the night before the accident, she'd heard her parents arguing quietly in the bedroom about divorce. About how unhappy he was. About how he couldn't trust his wife, and couldn't get past what she'd done. How he wanted something different. He didn't know what, but something. Dodie shook her head as the door to the office opened and her name was called. She hopped off the chair. "Nevermind," she said, entering the office, leaving a very confused and curious Adam in her wake. *** It was Emily's 10th birthday, and Michael made her a cake. He baked it himself from scratch, and he even took money from their parents bedroom and went out and got her some gifts. Okay, one gift, but it was something at least, which was far more than all the nothing her parents had gotten her. As she ripped open the wrapping paper, pulling out a collection of books she liked about a girl her age who solved crimes while babysitting, Michael couldn't help but feel proud of himself, and happy for his little sister. He tried to make sure she had the best childhood possible, since he'd seen firsthand how awful adulthood was. She made a wish, and then she blew out the candles. Her wish never came true, of course, but it turned out it didn't need to. She had wished for a family. Sure, it wasn't the family she hoped for then. But she did wind up getting one in the end. "The Bookworms" Anita asked, tugging one of the flyers off the wall and examining it, asking, "you really couldn't have come up with a name that wasn't simultaneously unappealing and cliche could you?"
"It's just a name," Palmer said, grabbing the flyer from Anita and retaping it to the wall, then standing back and scratching her nose added, "besides, Arthur drew this cute little worm with a book on it for me as our logo. I couldn't say no, he was so proud of it." "He shouldn't be," Anita said, shaking her head. "No, no he really shouldn't be, but he was and I didn't want to hurt his feelings," Palmer said, stuffing the remaining flyers in her bookbag as she and Anita continued down the hall. "This better not interfere with our running schedule," Anita said. "No, it'll be fine, we can still go running," Palmer said, "this is only on Wednesdays twice a month, so. It won't be interfering with anything, don't worry about it. I just needed some kind of other hobby to take my mind off things, and I always liked reading, and I always liked discussing what I was reading with others, so I figured I'd start a book club." "You're such a nerd," Anita said, both girls chuckling. Palmer had, for a good while in high school, hid herself in books. Especially as she and her father had drifted apart, it had been one of the few things she had to distract herself from the gaping hole that was growing between them. The odd thing was that she only even liked reading because he had read to her as a little girl, and then encouraged her to keep on reading by herself, which she did. So even in an effort to not remind herself of him, her only other real hobby was directly connected to him. Palmer began to wonder if she'd ever escape his influence. "Hey!" Arthur said, running up beside Palmer, "I just saw the flyers! They came out really good! Did you see my worm, Anita?" "I don't wanna answer that," Anita said, making them laugh. *** "You're out of bleach," Emily said, standing in the doorway to Regina's bedroom, watching as she folded clothes and put them in her dresser. "Oh, well, I'm going to to the store, I can get some more," Regina said, "were you trying to wash something?" "Yes," Emily said, taking a long drag on her cigarette and then exhaling in the hall behind her, continued, "I wanted to do a deep clean on the things I brought, since I didn't really have much time to wash them well before I left to come here." Regina finished putting her things in the dresser, then turned to face Emily, both women staring at one another but neither one saying a word. Since Emily had shown up, Regina had tried to avoid interacting with her much, just for her own sanity, but it had become increasingly difficult seeing how often she and Emily were alone in the house while Dodie was at school. Regina sat down on the linen cabinet at the foot of the bed, and Emily came into the room, seating herself on it beside her sister in law. After a moment of silence, Emily offered Regina her cigarette, and after another moment of hesitancy, Regina took it and started smoking herself. "God, I haven't had a cigarette in years," Regina said, "I really don't want to start again." "Sometimes a vice is all that helps," Emily said, "like masturbation or alcohol." "I didn't realize masturbation was included in the same tier as alcohol and tobacco," Regina said, laughing as she coughed from the smoke, handing the cigarette back to Emily, who smirked as she took it. "It isn't, it was just an example of vices," Emily replied, "I'm just saying that sometimes it's okay to partake in something again, even if only momentarily, cause it might help you forget about the horrible shit going on around you. Though I suppose, in your case, your vice might be a grocery boy." "Hey," Regina said, still half coughing, "don't give me that. I needed someone to comfort me. One daughter's at college, the other's too wrapped up in her own head and shouldn't have to mother her mom. I needed comforting too, god dammit. Didn't you ever have a time when you just needed someone there?" "Yeah, I did," Emily said, "all the time, in fact, and for a long time that was my brother. Til he started thinking I wasn't worth it, anyway. Don't know what flipped in him, but...anyway, I just wanted you to know you're out of bleach. Also out of dryer sheets. Should I start a list?" Regina laughed and looked at her feet, thinking momentarily as Emily continued smoking. "Are you okay?" Regina asked, "I know nobody asked me that for a while after it happened, but...I wanna ask you how you're doing? He was your brother after all, even if you guys weren't that close anymore. How are you doing?" Emily sighed and thought, tossing some of her behind her as she took another long drag. Was she okay? How had she been? She didn't even know if she could properly answer this, at least not without dragging her brothers name through the mud. After a few moments of pondering, Emily finally sighed and looked at Regina. "Michael was an asshole," she said, surprising Regina as she continued, "unintentionally, but he was. That doesn't mean I'm happy he's dead, for what it's worth. I'd never take pride in anyone's death, unless perhaps they were a particularly massive piece of shit who deserved it. But Michael wasn't that kind of person. When we were close, he was the best brother in the world, but as soon as he pushed me away, I guess I started seeing him for who he really was, and that really opened my eyes to how people actually are as to how we simply perceive them to be. Once you get that distance, even just a little bit, you start to not see everything through rose tinted glasses." Regina nodded, listening, as Emily continued. "Still," she went on, "I guess in a sense, I'm angry, because we won't get the chance to fix that now. Not that he was remotely interested in doing so. Lord knows I reached out dozens of times to get us talking again only to get shut down time and time again, so maybe it's for the best. I don't know. I'm all jumbled up, and honestly that feels the most right." Regina smiled and patted Emily on the leg. "I'll pick up some bleach and dryer sheets when I go to the store," Regina said, "and maybe, just for the hell of it, a 6 pack of cider." "That sounds like a wonderful grocery trip," Emily replied. *** Truth be told, Palmer was not just surprised at the turnout for her book club, but was in fact outright shocked at the attendance. In total, there were 40 students that had signed up since the flyers had gone up, and now, sitting in a room with them - being expected to lead the group - Palmer began to feel the weight of expectation as well as regret for having done this in the first place, despite it being her idea to begin with. Palmer cleared her throat and stood up, waving politely at everyone, smiling. "My name is Palmer Hurks, and I'm the one who started this club. I'm so glad you all were just as interested in books as I am," she said, "um, I'm not gonna lie, I'm pretty shocked at how many people turned up, but I'm also happy to see such a love for literature. I wanted to start this group because I didn't feel like there was really anything else at this school that I belonged to, and there wasn't a book club yet somehow, so I figured I'd take it upon myself to make that a reality." One girl - with very long straight auburn hair and huge glasses, wearing a long plain skirt and a brown sweater with a shirt collar peeking out the top - raised her hand, and Palmer pointed at her. "Uh, I'm not a teacher, you don't have to raise your hands if you wanna talk," Palmer said, laughing, "but maybe we'll get like a bookmark or something everyone can hold when it's their time to speak. Anyway, yes?" "Um," the girl said, pushing her glasses back up her face (as they appeared to be too big for her, and were continually sliding down her nose), "I was...I was wondering how we would maybe facilitate discussion? Do you plan on having us all read the same book and then discuss that or?" Palmer was hit with an immediate realization that others had probably put more thought into this just by attending than she had while arranging it. She actually didn't even have an answer for this girl. "What's your name?" Palmer asked. "E-Elise," the girl said, stuttering. "Well, we could vote on what books to read, maybe try a different genre every time so we're always presented with new things we might not touch ourselves otherwise? Does that sound like a good idea? I know democracy is pretty smiled upon," Palmer said, making everyone laugh gently and nod in agreement. Palmer seated herself once more and clasped her hands on her knees before asking, "So...anyone read anything good lately?" *** "Do you want to talk?" Dr. Burrows asked, and Dodie shook her head, just playing with a plastic horse in the little sandbox in the office. Dr. Burrows crossed her legs and waited, watching. She knew she could prod, but she couldn't outright push, and that when Dodie wanted to speak, she'd finally speak. Mariel asked, "Dodie, if it's okay with you, I'd like to ask you a series of yes or no questions, and all you have to do is nod or shake your head. You don't even have to respond verbally. Would that be alright?" "Okay," Dodie muttered. "Alright," Dr. Burrows said, smiling as she adjusted herself in her chair and got the cap off her pen, preparing the write on the clipboard on her lap, "are you happy with the way life is right now?" Dodie shook her head. "Okay. Were you happy with the way life was before your father...went away?" she asked. Dodie shook her head, which surprised Dr. Burrows. She jotted down something on the pad. "Dodie," Dr. Burrows continued, "...do you miss your father?" Dodie stopped playing, letting the horse drop from her hands and into the sand. She looked down at her fingers, digging into the sand and disappearing, her eyes welling up with tears. "I miss...my sister," she said, "dad was pushing her away, and we were always close, and I was mad at him for pushing her away cause she was my best friend. Now she's at school somewhere and I can't even see her that much, and then dad had to go and die. Now Palmer is upset because dad didn't love her the way he loved me, and I think being around me makes her hurt, so I feel like she avoids me if she can." Dr. Burrows was surprised at this admission, wrote something down, then climbed down off the chair and into the sandbox with Dodie, placing a hand on her back. "You're okay here, you can cry if you need to," she said softly, "nobody is going to judge you or get mad at you for doing so, okay?" "Everyone would get mad at me for not missing dad as much as I miss my sister. It's not like I don't miss him, because I do, but I miss Palmer more. And then when Aunt Emily arrived, we found out that my lunchbox used to be Palmer's, and daddy used to call her Doodlebug, which...who am I if that's true?" Dodie finally started crying, her tears landing in the sand below her as she looked up at Dr. Burrows, her voice low and wavering. "Who am I?" she asked, as she fell against her therapist, who just kindly held her and tried to calm her down. It wasn't exactly progress, but it was a start. *** Palmer was lying on her bed, staring at her ceiling. She was thinking about the book club, she was thinking about Sarah. She was thinking about inviting Sarah to the book club. After all, Sarah loved books. She'd been the one to take her to the hidden bookshop on their first real date. But that would mean opening herself up to criticism. Bringing her relationship fully out into the open, and she wasn't sure if she was ready for that just yet. She rolled onto her side and sighed. Suddenly the phone next to her bed rang, and she reached down eagerly to answer it, expecting Sarah, surprised when it was Dodie instead. "Hello?" Palmer asked, putting the phone to her ear and lying on her back. "Mom put me in therapy," Dodie said. "Wow, she never put me in therapy," Palmer replied, "...are you okay?" "What did you do today?" Dodie asked, avoiding the question outright. "Um," Palmer said, thinking as she twirled the phone cord around her finger, "well, class, obviously, and then I had my first meeting of a book club I started, and that was kinda neat. Though probably nowhere near as interesting as therapy." "Dad used to read bedtime stories to you, didn't he? He did it to me a little, but not much," Dodie said, "maybe he felt he didn't have to cause he was doing so much else with me. Maybe he only did that with you cause he felt guilty about not doing more." "Wow, look at you, a few therapy sessions and you're already a junior psychologist," Palmer said, smirking, making Dodie laugh; Palmer continued, "that's not a bad theory, honestly. Dad would do almost anything to alleviate himself of guilt, especially in regards to me. Remember when he bought me a whole set of fancy designer clothes just cause he didn't find anything for my birthday ON my birthday? He was really kinda terrible about that, honestly." A moment passed as the sisters sat in silence, just listening to one another breath on each end of the receiver. "...will you read me a bedtime story?" Dodie asked, and Palmer smiled. "Anytime," she replied, reaching down and picking up a book that laid next to her bed, "this was actually something I loved a lot when I was your age, and so I brought it to school with me cause it brings me a lot of comfort. It's called 'The Bunny Trail'. It's about two little bunnies who get lost on the way back to their burrow, and the adventures they have along the way there. I think you'll like it." "I do like bunnies," Dodie remarked. As Palmer laid on her back and started to read the little storybook to her sister over the phone, it slowly dawned on her just how much Dodie might actually need her. She wouldn't really open up to their mother, she didn't know Aunt Emily that well, and she might say a thing or two to a therapist but in the end, the person she always seemed to turn to was Palmer. Palmer made the decision then and there to be there more for her little sister, just like she'd done when she was younger, before gong to college. She would give Dodie the love and comfort her own father never gave her after a certain age, because Palmer worried that perhaps he'd have abandoned Dodie emotionally the same way he'd abandoned her, and Dodie deserved better than that. So she read the storybook, then told Dodie that the next weekend, she would come home to see her, and together they would go out with Sarah and have fun. After all, what are big sisters for? |